04 March 2004

Oh I am so cranky. I can't decide if I'd rather punch someone or just go and cry in a corner. Maybe I'll cry.

I feel exhausted, I feel...so extremely PMS-y it's so unfair. Why can't I just feel normal?

I get about 2 days a month where I actually feel good...great, how I think I should feel every day! And that's 2, it's if I'm "lucky." I feel pretty crappy a lot of the time. And not necessarily "I feel bad about myself" just...like nothing is functioning correctly. Either I have a headache or I'm just overly fatigued, or grumpy or whatever the issue and poor boyfriend and family and life just gets to deal with me. Of course I'm completely unwilling to control my emotional "misfit" self and so I just blow up and say "don't take it personally"--if only it were that easy!

It's 7:30 and I feel like I could go to bed. Actually, about everyday at this time I feel like I could go to sleep. It's unfair for me and it's unfair for jeff. I went over to his house at 8pm and by 9:30 I thought I was going to collapse. It's 9:30 I shouldn't be so tired! I usually get 7-8 hours of sleep so it's not like I'm depriving myself. :( Although, I do think I'm best with 9 hours but how can anyone fit in a life and get 9 hours of sleep??

Oh, I should have gone out tonight. But I don't want to. I never want to. I never feel like it. Jeff called and invited me to go out to a restaurant with a couple of friends. One of them is a girl who used to date one of his friends...so I know her...kind of. Her friend I wouldn't know and the guy they were meeting up with I don't know either. Lots of fun, huh? It's not that I couldn't socialize and be "fun" but I just didn't feel like it. Plus, he was leaving in 10 minutes when he called and I had just finished working out.

I could have hurried up and showered and met him down there but it still would have been an hour later or so by the time I drove down. Which, I'm sure would have been fine because I'm sure they were drinking rather than eating. But I don't drink, not really. Plus, since I'm trying to watch what I'm eating...it's like, why should I go hang out with people I don't feel like being with, drinking alcohol that I don't like, and consuming calories that are just going to set me back?

Sure, I wouldn't have to drink--and that'd be fine. But I didn't feel like being forced to socialize, so I would be bored out of my mind. And if I didn't drink I would be bugged about it. And I can handle "peer pressure" when I just don't feel like drinking....but I don't want to be one of "those" girls who doesn't eat/drink something she wants because of calories that's so stupid. You shouldn't put life on hold because of calories. So then, I should go out, right?

Except I didn't feel like it. Maybe if Jeff had prepared me, mentioned it the night before, I could have prepped myself up emotionally to "socialize."

It's not that I can't be fun...I can, really! Haha, I just...god, I get so bored with people.

Plus, I *really* need my me time, and being all randomly emotional today and cranky I knew my 'me' time was that much more important. I had no time to just sit down yet for the day and then I was supposed to rush through a shower and getting pretty to go sit around with people I don't know wishing I could be doing something productive?

Why should I have to do something if I really don't want to? I hate society, I hate feeling pressured to be "normal." Who the fuck cares what I do? If I don't feel like doing something why should I? I suppose there are times when you just have to, but really for the most part I hate having to do things just because.

I hate having to say "hello, good morning" when I walk into the office. I know it's stupid, but...well, exactly it's stupid! I mean, I don't need to say "hi" I just saw you yesterday. I don't need to say "good morning" because I don't I wish it everyday? But, I don't want to be antisocial or unfriendly, so I prep myself every morning as I walk into the door and push the most sincere smile and upbeat attitude I can manage and wish my biggest good morning to every co-worker I see.

And I don't know, maybe I'd miss it if no one said it to me, but I doubt it. Okay, I guess if they said it to everyone else but me I might be insulted, but would I really feel our office was unfriendly if we didn't say it? This sounds so negative and I'm not really at all. I mean when I walk in the morning, I don't feel upset or grumpy about being there. I guess...I'm there and I'll make my tea and get to work. If we "shoot the shit" as the coffee is warming up, etc, I'm cool with it, even welcome it, I just don't want to have to say "hello" just because that's what you're supposed to do.

I mean, I really like my coworkers and I don't mind saying "hello" as much as i despised it at the restaurant. I suppose because I really didn't want to be there that it was a lot harder to fake the "how are you" as I walked in. Because to be honest, I didn't care how you felt and to be honest again, I felt like crap and I wanted to get the hell out of there.

I'm complaining. That's what I do.

OHHh, I just feel like crying. There is nothing wrong with my life and I just feel that pit of sadness. Hormones don't make sense. I don't see the point. Why did god do this to me? And if he gave it to girls then why not boys? I mean if guys had it as bad as girls do that would suck but at least they would understand.

I want to move. I want to move and get out of my house. When I was at the conference I had a hotel room to myself. I've never had a hotel room by myself. I thought maybe I would get lonely but actually I liked it. I mean, ok, I didn't actually spend that much time in there, but the time I did was spent naked. I am totally going to walk around naked when I get a place of my own. Especially when I get ready in the morning, I hate putting on clothes right after I get out of the shower. And towels never stay on and robes are too hot.

But, I mean as soon as I walked into my hotel room I stripped. And I love sleeping naked! It's so much better that way. I get really hot/cold when I sleep and clothes always get in the way. I've slept naked since I've been home and while I've kept my door shut I just keep waiting for someone to come in unannounced for whatever reason and I'll be there asleep, rolled away from the covers, flashing the world.

I got my first "dear john" letter from a resume I sent out in January. Oh, I was excited! (really!). Haha, for anyone who is job searching, you understand what I mean. No one responds to anything you send out. NO ONE! Even if you try to follow up no one returns your messages, your emails, your second letters. And most job postings now say "no calls please" so you can't even try to follow up even if you wanted to.

I understand they're probably being bombarded with resumes, especially with so many unemployed but it'd be nice to know I have no chance, or the spot has been filled, or some head's up on what's going on with the position. Each "follow up" takes a lot of time. If you draft a letter or email you have to pull out all this new information so you don't repeat your first cover letter. And if you call you have to be prepared for a phone interview on the spot just in case if someone actually takes your call. So if an employer already has tossed your resume in the trash...it'd be really nice to know that before I spend another 2 hour preparing the perfect cover letter no. 2.

Okay? So if you're hiring...PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE send the "dear john" letter. We're happy to hear from you. Even if it's to say "no thanks!" I mean, why not even send an email? That way you spend no money on paper, ink and postage and you can even have one already drafted up so you just punch in the email address and off to "dear interested candidate" and voila, you're good. It's not inpersonal, it's wonderful. You've made contact! You made the extra three-second effort to get back with me, and I really appreciate it. So for those who do--thanks and for those who don't--start!

Goodnight.