26 June 2000

Hello! Yep, that should probably sum up everything I need to say to you.

Haha. I keep wanting to hop on d-land and spill a little what's on my mind, but everytime I get here, I realize there just isn't anything on my mind. I had gone mindless. Which is okay. Most of it is grumbling about petty work stuff. Or laughing over inside jokes like "eh?" which just don't make sense to the reader, and like most inside jokes...really aren't funny, unless if you were there when they originated. ;)

I've been doing quite a lot of surfing on the mighty www.mp3.com land. Lots of wonderful new artists. For techno/trance I recommend artist "psychobabble" and my new fave is an indi group "The Velvet Teen". Besides the fact that in the (singer's?) picture he looks totally like a sweetheart cutie, his voice is like the next Radiohead; absolutely beautiful. It kills me to find so many great bands, and realize none of them are signed. But it helps to know I'm helping them get heard. So go visit :)

Saw Gone in Sixty Seconds last night. Makes you want to steal a car. I'm glad I'm not tempted to go off and do something stupid like that. But I wouldn't be surprised if the movie inspired someone to go off and try it. Quite a rush I imagine. Just the rev of my "lovely" 1980-something station wagon, got me all excited. Yep, was really surprised to find that it was still not stolen after leaving it unlocked....again. ;)

Okay, so I never lock my doors. Figure if someone needs a car that bad, they really deserve it. Damaged radio (got to beat it to make it work...and only *sometimes* does it work then, hehe), no air/heat/defrost, leaks oil like a MF, a bee's nest is forming in my lefthand mirror, tape deck is dying, and the lights inside don't work anymore. But hey, power windows, baby. I'm a lucky girl, I say. Believe me.

Okay so sometimes it gets stuck at 25mph, and pulling out in front of someone can be a scary experience if it decides to do that...then, but as an overall, i'm pretty darn happy to have anything to drive. Even though it's probably gonna cost me like 35 dollars to fill up next time....midwest gas prices and all. But yaa, for not having your parents drive you around! ;)

I had fun at work tonight. This girl I work with, Kirsten, is the funniest girl. She's so full of energy, I adore her, she's very upbeat. She loves to hear the work gossip, so I filled her in with what's been going on. (She's been in Italy for two weeks--fun!). I told her all about me and Bryan.

(Not exactly "new" gossip, but always something to talk about, in the ongoing employee relationship histories. She said out of all the people there that I might possibly hook up with Bryan would have been that last she would have thought of. Yeah...probably me too. But that's why it's so awesome. I hope she wasn't trying to say that I'm too "snobby" or something for someone like Bryan, i dunno.)

Well, okay I didn't tell her *all* about me and Bryan, just the general gist of what went down and what not. I don't think I really did him justice, but she told me that he was her fave employer there (I don't think like *that* just as someone cool who serves.) So now I've heard that from three of the hosts, and I'm still jealous, hehe. (The other two I heard right after we had started "dating"). Jealous, only because he *never* talked/talks to me while I work. And I guess he's really cool with everyone else. I wonder if I intimidated him or something, I don't know, but I don't get it. While I worked here, he was just another server, would barely say hi/goodbye when they came in their for their shift, and that was just about it.

He's been kind of "mean" to me. I don't know if he's playing around or not. Like I'll go down to the side station, to grab some silverware, and he'll get me a dirty look and say "you're not supposed to be in here." I usually just say...some justification--and there's no real reason for him to say anything like that--I still can't decide if he's playing around or not. Either way I find myself very intimidated by him. God, I just want to talk to him. And I admit, I want his affection again.

I need to keep my head straight, and make sure whatever moves I make (if I do make any at all) are made because I want to build back a relationship with him as a friend, not because I want him to fall all over me. I mean what did I keep telling myself once we stopped seeing each other? It was for the best, I was completely addicted to him. Although he was flipping all these wonderful parts of me to "on" that I didn't even realize about myself, all along, I still wanted.....I wanted so much from him. I don't know what I'm saying. I felt like he was giving me so much, that I just, I wanted to continue to impress him, I wanted to be that girl he said that *was* different and special, that he kept on saying to me from the beginning. It was like he laid out all these expectations of me from the start that I desperately wanted to meet, to surpass.

So incredibly intense. I don't know if it's possible to start anything up from where we left it, er, where he left it. I just want...I feel like a tv show when I say this, but I want closure. It'd be nice to just wrap it up, at least a final goodbye, done properly. I don't know how it will go down or if it will, I just...I don't even know how to act around him at all.

Part of me, wants to be bitter or mean, sarcastic and cold, and just avoid him all around. Anything to erase that one last moment of vulnerability I threw out there (if he did read that email I sent). Another part wants to be completely sweet on him, and just be warm, and beautiful and act like we're still good friends, and, and, another parts to be completely direct, and just kind of come right out and say, "Bryan, you know, whatever happened with us?" no matter how scary or painful that could be. I like being direct. But it would be hard for me to acknowledge that he's still on my mind. And not even just because we're working together but he popped right on in there from time to time, ever since.

What's weird, is that we were never even...a very sexual "couple" we were just so intense, and, haha, I still want to jump his bones, if you will. Which makes me feel/think like I just want to use him. I want him to analyze me, I want to quibble over philosophical ideas and get him for once to say "you're right" and I want to completely seduce him, because he was the one who started it, and I felt like I was the one who always wanted something more from it. So why do I feel that way? I don't think that's what I want from him. Especially not now. He's too old, he's going to be leaving, and I don't want to, I want to be with Jeff.

But I want to know what happened. That's kind of a terrible question to ask. I mean, why does it matter. It did end, so get over it. I didn't cut it for him, and he's damaged goods anyway; past relationships and such. I'm too immature for him. I'm too superficial. I'm too much talk and not enough substance. It's okay. (Whatever I do--nothing...or act the fool.) Life goes on.

Why do divers go in with their palms flat, instead of curved to go into the water? You would think that would make more of a splash, wouldn't you? I don't know, I figure they know what they're doing. :)

I'm happy Jeff is coming home tomorrow. I'm happy kat is coming home this next weekend, I hope I get to see her. I'm happy I (might) get to finish my waitressing training this week, and I'm happy that I'm still tan from a couple of days ago. (I never tan, this is major excitement people ;)

Peace.

P.S. Shout out to my boy Scud. In his honor I will no longer list my tid-bit counter stats. Hehe. Thank you, BTW, for signing again. :)