Isn't it amazing how fast this month has passed? I think things have gone by so quickly. Almost three weeks ago we voted (and still no president). I just went to Jailbreak, I just spent the night at home, with jeff. I just took midterms, I just worked, I just rushed girls for AZD. I just did everything, and I'm glad the time is passing, because I'm waiting for something.
I'm waiting for something to hit me. I'm waiting to run into someone who awakens me. I'm waiting to take a class that opens me. I'm waiting for an experience to crash into me, an opportunity to present itself. I'm waiting.
And inside I'm deconstructing. Destroying myself. Tearing at myself and scraping. I'm...sort of depressed.
I'm not clinical, I'm not advanced, but I'm aware enough, with my continual self-evaluation that something is wrong. I realized tonight, that my feelings of self-[un]worth triggered by Spanish and sluggish attitude toward life is beginning to take its toll. The weight gain is causing a bad self image. And...I guess it scares me, that it's just going to cause more...I don't know, pointless?
I feel pointless?
I know I'm not, I know it's dumb, I just....I feel so, well, i do, i feel pointless. I mean I'm just, I do nothing, I'm so not valuable to this world at all. God, I sound like i'm suicidal. I would never take my life or even consider it, I just, i want something. And I don't know what. I want to feel like I'm good at something.
And I don't feel like I am.
College is making me feel so dumb. I feel, below average. And it's not like I'm not making the efforts because I am. School is really important to me. I don't have that "street suave". I act like a ditz at work half the time and I need to justify my existence somehow, and it was like...I could do that with grades. I could be the A student. (I feel so after-school generic right now, tears streaming down my face..)
I mean I know it's cheesy, but I guess it all does come down to being accepted. I want people to like me. god, I'm so dumb.
And no one really cares what I get in class. Long run it's not going to matter at all what kind of grades I get really. But it means so much to me right now,and I can't seem to disconnect myself, or I don't want to, and I don't think you should want to, because..I do want the grade, and while I don't think grades represent your true knowledge and yadda yadda, I think it says something of motivation and effort. But it's like....I am trying, and I'm getting bad grades. It makes me feel so dumb. And I hate this feeling.
Because it just keeps grinding itself into me. I don't know how I can last two more quarters of Spanish.
I mean, no one thinks of me as "ditzy" but I do enough ditzy things, that I notice (even if others don't). Or maybe I cover well, or something. And I'm so quiet sometimes, it's like I don't exist. And I don't have any...feedback? La, of how I'm doing...I guess, in life.
And who care's what other people think, but it's like, we all do. Because it essentially does come down to people, and our interaction. I don't feel like I'm getting that.
And it scares me to hear myself thinking, because it's so damaging and I think deep down I know it's not true, but if I continue to think these thoughts over and over again as I've been doing all quarter, eventually it might consume me.
I'll be sitting thinking, why do these girls want to come in my room and talk to me? Why did Kristin ask me to be her roommate over Heidi? Why do people want to go to parties I suggest? Why anything dealing with me. I feel like such a nobody.
I feel out of touch with my spirituality, and I've lost almost all connection with the idea of a personal god (even though, ultimately I believed that personal god was you to begin with.). I find the only times I pray is right before I take a test. That's terrible.
It's even effecting me at work. I feel like I'm giving good service. But my tips have been horrible lately...while other people are walking with a lot more. Maybe it's me, maybe it's me. It just keeps pounding into my head. I begin to think the managers wonder what's wrong with me, and why I never make good tips any more. Maybe I'm messing up, maybe I'm a terrible server.
I look at group pictures that have been taken and I immediately look at my position to them. Maybe they didn't want me in the picture. Look how our arms are wrapped around each other...are anyone's even wrapped around me? Look how I'm on the back, to the side, the only one looking at a different camera. It's so damaging.
I don't feel personality-less, but it's like I almost don't feel like I'm even important enough for people to want to spend time withe me.
So I feel socially expendable, stupid book wise, ditzy life wise and now I'm gaining weight, losing the last thing I have.
Then I had this chapter "bulimia" talk tonight with some peeps from the student health center with my sorority and they're all like don't focus on your looks, go for the things you're good at, the things you like, yadda yadda.
I seriously...I don't feel like I'm good or like anything.
I can't figure out God's purpose for me.
There has to be more to life than fucking jeff and going to class.
I know, it's not like that.
But seriously what am I doing with my life? I have no direction. I'm so stubborn I won't listen to anyone's advice. It just makes me pissy. I take on that immature teenager attitude that "I know everything already."
But I know nothing.
About myself.
