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Shrooms II, Sadness, Relationship Blues

10 July 2004

I feel depressed. Okay, so I guess I'm always kind of moody and the emotions fluctuate but...er, well, I guess I am technically in my PMS week so maybe it all makes sense?

Last Saturday Jeff and I did shrooms with one of this friends. Jeff was making fun of me; first for being disappointed when I found out we WERE NOT going to do them (when I thought we were) and then making fun of me when I found out we WERE going to...and my "joy" was apparently...very apparent.

I can't help it, I *was* excited about the opportunity. I had a really good time the first time we tried it and it was something that I had wanted to do again. Now, the first time we did it, we did half of what was "normal." I'm terrible with fractions and don't really understand the whole drug lingo with ounces and what not but let's just say Four is what the average dose is. Well, the first time we did it we did half, so we did Two.

I was all about trying four, simply because while I thought two was fun, I was curious to see what it would be like at a higher dose. Would the sensation be stronger? Would it last longer? Would it get weirder?

But, Jeff and his friend wanted to do even less...in fact, they suggested One as our dose. I didn't want to come off as this crazy drug girl so I went a long but I wasn't exactly sure why we were only doing one. I knew part of it was his friend had done it while he was in Europe and likely had a different strain. I don't know if Jeff scared him because he kept saying he was "a mess" the first time he did them.

I don't know if I would describe it like that. I mean, I think part of it was that we smoked a lot, and i mean a lot of pot while we were doing it. So you combine the two factors, sure we weren't exactly in "lets go out and socialize with others" shape, but we were within our means. I mean, I think it would be fun to do them in a club or something and I might be a little "weird" but not out of control.

Anyway, so we did One and waited.

And waited.

And waited.


Oh, it was so annoying and boring. I felt like my life was wasting away. Jeff was all woried about turning into a freak and his friend kept asking if we wanted to go to a bar or something. And I was thinking...can't we just smoke a little to pass the time, because I'm bored out of my mind?

His friend did not have cable and all we did was watch this horrible movie that was on one of the main channels. We got to a point where we wondered if we should take some more (please!). His friend said he had a "body buzz" which I admit I did as well. It was a bit like a roll which I don't remember feeling before (but I was also quite high, so who's to say?). I was also giggly.

Not because anything was funny--it's a strange reaction I have. It happened the last time I did shrooms too. I don't know, it's like, all of a sudden I am ultra aware that I feel strange, and then I begin to have strange thoughts...which makes me feel even more awkward and so I laugh--because I feel completely out of place.

But when I laugh, I laugh even more because it's odd to just randomly start laughing...and not just laughing, I mean I am giggling and cannot stop. To the point where my eyes tear. Or actually, just my right eye teared. But I would be streaming tears it would be so bad. I also got really stuffy/runny in my nose--also on the right side; weird.

I'm not seeing any of the streaming colors or "moving energy" but I'm hoping it will eventually get there. We decide to take some more, but it really wasn't that much more. Maybe a Half so even at this point I'd say we're at 1.5 so still not very much.

I can feel more of it when we go outside and I can see things moving (er, real things move like people walking on the sidewalk or cars moving) and I the breeze was rushing over me. Still nothing spectacular or even "cool." At some point I go to the bathroom and it is only here I can really get any affects.

I think part of it, is that, at least for me, to really experience and acknowledge what you're feeling you need to be comfortable. Although I know Jeff's friend pretty well (I've known him as long as I've known Jeff) I don't especially like him and I definitly have never really felt comfortable around him. He's a nice enough guy but we're just not....in no other world would we be friends. Which, as I've said before is weird, since he's one of Jeff's best friends--so you'd think I'd like him a lot.

Anyway, so not feeling free enough to really just let myself go the bathroom is kind of a safe place to just look around and talk to myself. (Not literally talk to myself, but just to let my thought wander--it doesn't make you crazy! ;)

I do get a little bit of visuals here. As I'm staring down at the tile, it looks like all the little flecks are ants and they begin to move in patterns. It's a strange little delight when I see this. Almost a childlike joy floods through me. Kind of like this simple, fascination that only a child could appreciate. So I watch the "ants" for awhile but they're really not all that interesting. I try to see other 'energy' moving in the room, but can't.

Later on we're outside and I'm watching the grass move and the same visual occurs. I can "see" the blades moving back and forth almost talking to each other. And that's what's so fascinating because it does seem like this quiet language is unfolding in front of you as if there is something being said, being shared and I was invited to be a part of it. Not actual "words" but there seems to be this quiet understanding...more like a presence or message rather than anything actually "saying" something.

This too is okay, but not very interesting either. Plus...you can only sit on a porch and stare at the grass (intently) for so long without drawing attention. ;)

Back to the couch we go. I am bored, bored, bored.

I'm not sure what I want to do. The friend wants to go meet up with others at a bar. I can tell Jeff doesn't want to go but he says okay. He says as much as we go over and that we can leave after a drink.

It's awkward because we go to a bar that is also a "club." And, I'm sure the girls will understand that it's very unsettling to all of a sudden find yourself in route to a nightclubby bar when you are not cleaned up. I had never been to this place and we would be seeing lots of other people that I knew by association of Jeff. I was wearing a long jean skirt (ooh, so sexy), my hair had been washed that morning, but it had been an extremely hot and humid day so it looked terrible. I was wearing NO eye make up and only had some gloss on me.

I was also wearing really ugly shoes....but hadn't cared too much about it when we he met up with his friend because I figured we'd just be holed up in some apartment.

So, although I felt the drug had for the most part worn off (if there was anything to really wear off in the first place) I felt very, VERY self conscious and super aware of how not "done" I was. Although I was obviously not going to the bar to pick anyone up you still want to look respectable. Plus, his friends from home are the "we come from money" types so I always feel some extra pressure to look presentable as his girlfriend. Additionally, the girls are all perfect and extremely well dressed so I always feel out of place in that department (ha, even when I know ahead of time I'm going out!). I don't have the money to dress well, and honestly, I'm too laid back to care too much about "style"--hence the ugly shoes I had on.

I tried to explain to Jeff the importance of a woman's shoes and how it can "make" the outfit and he just stared blankly at me. (Lol, he has been making fun of me, and girls in general ever since the comment). I know they don't understand, but it's important that girls...well, maybe not important but girls are constantly trying to out do each other whether they want to admit it or not.

Guys, I think are the same way. We all want to look good and feel good about ourselves--and who doesn't want to be the "hottest" guy or girl in the room?

Haha, anyway. Here I am walking into a bar not knowing if I was going to be completely inappropriately dressed (the guys said it was casual but got dressier as the night went on). I didn't feel terribly dumpy, but I also didn't feel respectable either. The girls that were there definitly had prepared for "going out" and I felt and looked like crap. :(

It's funny how I felt most self conscious about my shoes and my utter lack of eye makeup (which I think gives anyone a little more sophistication and oomph). Guys just don't understand. Sure, to you it's just a bar to grab a beer and hang out with your friends but I felt like an outsider...a sloppy, unprepared outsider and I was trying my hardest to look "cool" but I'm pretty sure I wasn't fooling anyone with the act and my uncomfortableness showed through.


So that was my boring and uneventful drug event. I'd say for any other drug I would want to be with others but I would be interested in shrooming by myself or just with Jeff so we could really talk about anything we were seeing or feeling.

The following day we were at a Fourth of July party and somewhere along the way I got tipsy and brought up the marriage talk again. I was snubbed once again. It hurts.

I'm surprised that it does...it's nothing new...it just feels like a slap in the face. Argh, I don't know. It's not that I doubt his love or commitment but I just don't get his reasoning about the whole thing. Fine, you can list all your reasons for not getting married or not getting engaged but I don't think they really make sense. He says he can't propose until he has something to offer me (and my father)--as in a job. So, you'd think when I tell him that my parents WANT him to ask me [already!] that that excuse falls through. I mean, my mom actually finds it insulting that he's willing to ask me to move in with him but he's not willing to propose.

I think they'd be okay with us having an extended engagement but they don't understand why we aren't engaged. And to be honest, I don't get it either. We can even get engaged without a ring--which I've told him as well. It's more an open declaration of our intentions and plans. And with that announcement we can begin to plan things....hey, like the rest of our life together (and yes a wedding).

It just freaks him out.

And....why? It's been a little over four years now. He's admitted he plans on marrying me. So, what's the hold up? Is it really because he feels he needs a job first? I think he's using that as an excuse. I don't know why he doesn't want to get engaged. It makes me feel INCREDIBLY undesirable.

On top of that I've gained some weight and I feel like I'm turning into a head case because my self esteem has really plummeted. I am still an attractive girl...with a nice shape. I'm a tall, slender girl...with hips, boobs and booty that aren't going anywhere no matter my size, but I am 15 pounds heavier than when I entered college. My mom says I was too skinny and it didn't look good. Fine....even if I could just look 5-8 pounds lighter I would feel a whole lot better about myself.

But I do feel like I'm developing really negative attitude towards my body and I simply don't want to think about food this much. I work out 6-7 days a week usually for 45-60 minutes so there's not much more I can do in that department. I know some of my weight has to be muscle because I am definitly stronger than I've ever been and the weights I lift have increased over time. BUT, I most certainly have more fat on my body as well. My thighs are a lot bigger and so is my waist line. I mean, my jeans feel like they're about to bust, I actually have "fat shirts" that I can't wear any more. I mean, I know I wear my clothes very form fitting so it's not like I'm a chunk.

They were probably just too small to begin with - la!

Anyway, so last night Jeff and I were hanging out and between an inner dissatisfaction with our pending future and my own disgust with my body I literally felt repulsed by him kissing me.

Isn't that awful?? :(

He was kissing me and I could feel myself pulling away. My innards were actually tumbling and I was grossed out with the act. I didn't want him to touch me or kiss me or anything. While we were having sex I not only imagined him to be someone else *I* was someone else. I didn't make any effort to kiss or touch him. It was pretty terrible sex, I know I wasn't aroused. He practically had to shove himself inside me I was so dry. Ugh, I felt terrible and depressed afterwards.

I just felt so bad about myself and how I was treating him. I really just wanted to leave but he wanted to spoon and sleep. So we layed there for awhile but I, aregh, didn't really want him touching me. I kind of drifted in an out of light sleep until finally I rolled out of bed and put on my clothes to leave.

When I got home I felt sick to my stomach and I wanted to cry but it was that empty sadness where you don't even know what you're upset about.


I saw him tonight and we went out to dinner. Dinner was nice enough but afterwards I really just wanted to go home. We went back to his place and hee-hawed about what to do. He refused to go to the movie theater because it was so early (whatever) but didn't have any good alternative either.

And neither did I. I didn't feel like watching TV. I was bored. I felt tired. I know he was frustrated and I wasn't helping but I felt antsy and just wanted to go. So finally he suggested I did. I tried not to show my enthusiasm for the idea by weakly saying I did want to hang out...la la la.

Finally, I left and he told me to call when I wasn't so antsy. I was thinking the feeling probably wouldn't pass but how do you explain girl hormones to a guy?

I went home and let my brain doze out as I played a computer game. Finally it was a little later and I felt like I had to call him. So I did. The conversation wasn't great. Finally I just suggested we'd hang out some other time. He sounded annoyed and that's fine, I mean what can I do?

I hate how he puts me in these situations where I can't just be honest with him. I mean, on nights where I'm really tired he gets upset with me if we fall asleep watching TV, but if I try to tell him I'm really tired and to go do something without me, he gets mad at me for not hanging out. So it's like...do I feel guilty for pushing him away because I know i'll fall asleep--or do I go hang out and feel miserable while trying to not fall asleep (but usually doing it anyway)?

I don't know. I have antsy days. This isn't new. He has them too--we all do. It's kind of this restless boredom and there's never really a good cure for it.

We had a conversation on the ride home about our life in a new city (he recently just interviewed in Chicago so we're all fueled with potential moving opportunity). He said we had to go out every Friday and Saturday [when we lived in a new city] so we could meet people.

I told him I would go out on one day of the weekend but not both. That I don't party like him (or his close girlfriend that REALLY parties and she lives in the city so we'd probably be seeing a lot of her). That not only do I not party like that...I really NEED that "me" time to recoup after a week at work. That if I went out both nights even if I had a great time both nights I would be miserable emotionally because I have to have that time where it's just me doing whatever I feel like doing to relax.

He got *really* annoyed and went off on some rant about how we should just stay [in our hometown] because what's the use if I wouldn't go out.

I mean, I don't go out now...what makes him think I'd turn into a party girl all of a sudden in a new city? I do like going out...when I can flirt with guys and girls and just be silly and goofy and get a little crazy.

I CANT do that with a boyfriend and I don't enjoy going out now that we're together because it just seems pointless. I told him that I intended to go out and find new places and of course meet people--but I mean, does he really expect to meet his new best friend at a bar or club?

I said that I would get involved with clubs or associations and hopefully meet people from that, which was a very "uncool" and seemingly outrageous comment to make from the response he gave me.

I don't know. I want to be excited about our relationship but I'm not.

Well, I have a ton of more things to comment on, but I'm going to bed. Goodnight.


Four years ago I was a blur of nonsense. Oh, being a hostess was terrible!

Three years I was writing about nothing in particular

Awww, two years I was a terribly tired waitress. Oh, I miss that summer house!

One year ago I was considering the "deep" meaning being Vanilla Sky






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