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01 August 2004

Jeff and I had a really long, good talk. I can't remember what night it was...maybe Thursday and I called to see if he wanted to hang out. It was already kind of late and I was calling....almost more out of courtesy than anything. I wanted to be the "bigger" person to at least break out code of silence and say "hey" even if it didn't turn into anything.

I asked him if he wanted to hang out and it was his usual "sure" in the tone of voice that implies (no, not really, but I guess if you show up at my house I will pretend to kind of, acknowledge you.). So I go and I must admit.

I am scared.

I feel slightly giddy, kind of where emotions overpower you and just laugh aloud awkwardly b/c there's no other way to react (well, that or cry). I think as I drive over that this could be depending on (if) anything is discussed and what direction it goes, this night could be the end.

I don't want it to be the end.

I actually keep driving around his block in a big loop to continue an open dialogue with my brain. Trying to calm myself and prepare myself. I know we need to have "a talk" but I don't know how to even go about it. I am making myself sick with concern but it really does need to occur. I ask myself and wonder if he pretends like nothing is wrong tonight...will I just go along or will I say something?

We hang out and watch Sopranos and then he when go downstairs to just lounge and hold. We are holding without the television on and it's quiet. I am stiff and turned away from him. Part of it is fear, part disgust, part just overwhelmed with sadness.

We are on his bed and he is touching me. I know this would be an opportunity to "make up" but would it be an opportunity to talk? Quiet, hot, and very sad and slow tears are strolling down my face but he doesn't know I'm crying. It's pitch black in the room. He turns my head and kisses me.

And it's sweet and passionate, the kind of kiss i'm always so thirsty for and never receive. For a moment I consider kissing him back but instead I pull away, twist away from him and hushed and slightly crying I say that I am sad.

That I am so sad. He asks me what about. And I finally struggle through my words that it's us. That it hasn't felt very good between us.

This leads to a very long and thoughtful conversation between us. Some is terrible and awkward and I couldn't even look at him for most of the talk. I was scared and hurt and looking at him made me feel vulnerable and (usually) made me cry harder. It also made it all that much more real.

He agreed it hadn't been good. We briefly discussed the trigger that had begun our "fight" but we were both aware that there are larger things looming in our relationship that haven't been good. He said that he feels we've only grown further apart since the couple of months following our graduation and the move back home. That instead of things getting better, they've just gotten worse.


Although...I agree with him. It hurt to hear that aloud. I hadn't really gone that far back to find a beginning of when things started to slip and it was kind of slap to think that he was aware of that and I hadn't gotten to that point. And that it had been that long...that's not good.

And so, I brought up the issues that continue to "haunt" the relationship. And, it's frustrating b/c they're all "aglaia defects" apparently. We don't have sex enough (partly due to my poor girl hormones--but partly due to the fact that I don't feel the kind of affection that makes me WANT to have sex).

I never go out (partly due to my homebody nature, and disinterest in alcohol but also due to the fact that I don't really care for his friends).

I always fall asleep or get tired early (partly due to the fact that I can't just reset my clock on the weekends AND I like to go to sleep early so I can get up early to do a quick run--er, no fault on his side, mostly just that I really do need 8 hours of sleep, prefer 9 and that's just me, sorry!)

These issues are never going to go away.

Oops--gotta run, check up later.






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