22 April 2004

I feel sick to my stomach.

I can�t tell if it�s the hangover still kicking in or if I�m simply in sugar withdrawal or maybe it�s that terrible knot that keeps twisting and pulling in my brain.

It was my birthday yesterday. I am 23. Twenty-three sounds cool�I�m a �true� young adult�still quite young, should be out living life to its fullest, making a living and establishing myself. Am I? I figure I�m right where I should be. I graduated from college on time, was able to obtain a job in the field I�m interested in within three months from graduating am in a serious and secure relationship. Overall, I am pretty satisfied.

Even living at home isn�t that bad. It comes in waves where I�m thinking that I just have to get out of there but I know I will eventually and that by living there now, even an �extended now� will hopefully mean I will never have to creep back after �officially� moving out. It�s nice to know that both of my parents really don�t want me to go. Which, part of me thinks is weird. I�m sure they would be completely supportive, obviously of me moving out, but I find my dad is constantly hugging me and telling me already how much he�ll miss me and my mother practically begs (demands, threatens??) that I don�t go at all. Of course, my mom seems to take it as a personal insult that I will leave at all (�why don�t you love your family?�) especially when I talk about moving out of the state. My mom is constantly discouraging my choice of cities to move to (�too dangerous!� � �too expensive!� ��too far!�).

My birthday was strange. The days leading up were�apathetic at best. There wasn�t anything that I really wanted. I threw around ideas with my parents�a digital camera (but I�d have to split the cost to get the one I want), a DVD player (I�ll want one eventually, but living at home I have access to theirs so�), a plane ticket to visit Heidi in NY (no specific date/plan so it�s non-tangible), money for clothes�.

Nothing too exciting or particularly needed/wanted. There was also no talk of plans. Typically we�d get a birthday dinner & dessert (mom would make, our choice) but no one really asked what I wanted. I had missed my dad�s birthday the previous week as I had been in Chicago on business(!) and he wasn�t even home by the time I got back. I didn�t get him a gift (I know, I know�) and giving someone a pathetic card (I did have that early, though!) days later post-birthday seems pretty silly but I gave it to him anyway (am taking him out to lunch tomorrow, which I think he�ll like). So having not contributed to my dad�s �celebration� it felt awkward to be demanding my own.

I don�t have any friends (la la la) so there was no one to ask out. I figured Jeff and I would go out to dinner be he too hadn�t mentioned anything. To be honest, it was a Tuesday and I didn�t personally feel like going out�.plus since I�m trying to count my calories again (up 8 pounds, ack!) the thought of birthday desserts and huge dinner plates out seemed defeating and undesirable. Finally, on Monday Jeff asked if he could take me out (yes) and that evening my mom asked what I was doing�.mentioned my dinner plans and asked if we should all go out�it was kicked around but nothing was made final. My dad would be out of town so I suggested a family dinner on Sunday.

(I later chose to go out to eat with Jeff solo�when I mentioned the idea of family dinner he seemed positive about the option but said he�d still like to take me out just us�fearing two restaurant dinners in one week would kill my new optimism for watching what I eat so to be honest I figured if I went out with Jeff that would kill one dinner and then I could be more careful for the dinner at home). I even told my brother I didn�t want a cake but maybe they thought I was joking...

So Jeff and I chose to go to our old Italian restaurant where we used to work. You always feel cheesy going back to a restaurant you worked at but the food is just so good that when asked where I wanted to go I really couldn�t think of any place better. I went in thinking I would be good�choose a lighter dish (no sauce) and no dessert and no alcohol. (HAHAHAhaha..) I had good intentions but Jeff would hear none of it and I succumbed. We did split a dish (but it included breading and cream sauce�ooh, healthy, ah, but so good), two cocktails, two glasses of wine (each!), appetizer (fried!), salad (with cheese) and dessert (with ice cream)�.but it was fun. We haven�t done the �dinner experience� as we call it in a long time. We both eat pretty fast so it�s fun to go out and get it all. You feel luxurious. Eat and drink more than you possibly can or should. Sit and talk over the course of 2 or more hours and leave a huge tip (definitely over 20%). I recommend the Dinner Experience to all :)

Of course, I�m tipsy after drink one (Cosmo is my drink of choice, it�s a pretty loaded martini, don�t let its girlish, pink hue fool you). But I feel great and I�m happy. By the end I have reached my drunk emotional state. I typically cry when I drink�luckily Jeff has caught on and probably doesn�t let him bother him (as much) because they are usually tears of sadness over something. I think my body is overwhelmed and then my emotions are overwhelmed and everything I�m feeling is magnified to a point of no control. A past employee was also there and we spoke with her for awhile. She is apparently just �going� to Chicago (she�s like us, recently graduated from college). Said she�s been temping here and has saved about 4K and figures if she can temp. in this city why not temp. in a cool city while looking for a real job?

I was happy for her�.but it being a touchy subject for Jeff and it wasn�t the best time to bring that in to discussion between Jeff and I. By the time we had walked out of the restaurant I was high on alcohol (and slightly manic) but at the same time feeling terribly frustrated.

Jeff wants to just �go.� I feel a little bitter about that. Since I wanted to plan a �go� even before we graduated and he didn�t want to hear it. I figured I would �go� by January 1st at the latest, possibly by September 2003 by the earliest depending on how much money I saved. I would certainly be looking for a job, but if nothing had appeared, I was very much along the same lines at this old employee�I can work a dumb job anywhere and I�m sure I�d get by. Why not be crazy and just move to another city while you�re young and don�t have much to lose? Jeff seemed very focused on paying off his loans, though. I mean, I wasn�t even going to look for a job in Columbus but because JEFF said we�d be in Columbus for awhile looking, saving and paying off loans I looked for a job anywhere.

And just as I got my interview for the job I�m at now is when Jeff had gotten to the point where he wanted to �go.� And that�s nice and all�.but I had been looking for a job hard core for three steady months with absolutely no feedback accept maybe two �dear john� letters for organizations�.I mean, my FIRST interview(!) and I think he wanted me to decline if I was offered the job. And�well, no. It was a job I thought I could do well, that I would like, and it would get me in the meeting planning business. Seemed like a great place for a new graduate to be and gain some experience.

I told Jeff that I wouldn�t be leaving Columbus before the end of February that I wanted to stay through until I had been through the conference my association was planning. One, because there was so much to do at the office I couldn�t just leave them stranded and have a clean conscious and two, I wanted that conference experience to see how I liked it and what it was all about. I admit, I may have led him to believe that we could �go� after February but I think I knew in my heart from day one that I wouldn�t be leaving to �go� anywhere until one of us had been offered a job in a new city. I didn�t know how I could logically excuse myself for quitting a great job unless if I had a really good reason. And quitting so I could move just for the fun of it was not a good reason.

What makes the situation so hard is that I feel like I�m getting no support from Jeff at all. And I mean, I know I shouldn�t expect Jeff to pour out the support for staying in Columbus when that�s not what he wants to do, but it would be nice if he could at least vocalize my point of view back to me. It�s never �I know this is really hard to think about moving because you like your job so much�� or anything to support his argument in an attractive way to me (he never sells it, and he could). What I get is�you have your heart in Columbus, obviously. You want to stay here forever, why don�t you just admit that? You want to get situated in your job and be there for a long time� or things along that line. It�s always�.*I�m* forcing him to stay here because the only thing that matters is what I want.

I don�t know what the hell I�m supposed to do or how to change the way I�m feeling. If I �go� I know my parents would be extremely disappointed in me. I�m sure my whole family would think I was crazy�and the worst, is they would blame Jeff for it. So not only would I feel bad about losing the job, and bringing on the stress of a major move (and all the components of that) but I would have to defend Jeff and feel like my parents don�t like either of us. Also, how can I expect my employers to recommend me when I just off and quit them? I think that shows a lack of maturity, respect and is overall unprofessional. They may not expect me to be in this job forever, but certainly to just leave like this, not even a year into it�it just doesn�t make any sense.

If Jeff was offered a job in another city, I would inform my employer that I would be here long enough for them to find a replacement. I would go, I would feel comfortable leaving knowing it�s based on a move for the benefit of the relationship. I think they would still be disappointed but it would at least allow me an out of some sort. Jeff an I may not have the understanding and projected commitment that a Marriage may bring but I think being together for 4 years should mean something.

Anyway I was feeling so bad by the time we left the restaurant I was balling by the time we reached his house. I mean, not just "aww, I'm sad" I was crying uncontrollably. I just felt so...helpless, and hating knowing that I was some how contributing to his unhappiness and perpetually so in away. What am I supposed to do? Everyone I talk to thinks I'm right....so why am I letting him make me feel so bad?

Well I wrote the above the other day at work. I was feeling so terrible I was having a hard time working. Oh I just wanted to curl up with Jeff and cry and some how make everything better.

We haven't spoke since my birthday. I don't think it's because there's anything wrong, I mean, to the point where'd you want to ignore someone, but when you typically see or at least talk to someone everyday to go one day is strange and for it to be almost two is bad.

I did call him before I went to bed last night but I just got his voice mail and left a message. I figured he would call me tonight but he didn't.

But I mean, I didn't call him either. But not because I'm upset...just simply doing my thing. I would have liked to see him but it was nice to just do what I wanted.

Both my grandmothers are in the hospital so I went and saw my father's mom tonight. She's a very religious and spirited woman. A great attitude really, very full of faith and willing to go anywhere God takes her...even if that's to the grave. She's my classic granny....who used to bake cookies, literally EVERYTIME my sibs and I visited her when we were little.

My other grandma on the otherhand has basically partied it up all her life and even now at 70 something doesn't like to admit she's a "senior." She is not taking the hospital visits well (I mean, who does but she is particularly bitter). She's a bad patient.

Plus she's so "poor me" (and I'm sure I would be too) but god...it's like you can't keep smoking...then lie to your doctor and expect everything to go well. It's too bad because when she's in the hospital and they're taking care of her she's gets so well (no cigarettes) then as soon as she goes home she lights up.

And my aunt who lives with her is so completely immature. She JOINS my grandma in her smoking ventures...probably doesn't want grandma to quit 'cuz they're smoking buddies. But as soon as my grandma is ill or needs to go to an appointment my aunt disappears because it's just "too hard for her" leaving my mom to do all the dirty work.

Which also makes my mom the "bad guy" and to be honest, my grandma is a real bitch to my mom. My poor mom is beat up because she actually makes sure my grandmother takes her pills, EATS (she never eats and when she does...it's something like a donut never "real" food). Then my grandma lies if she's smoking because she knows my mom will disapprove, but it's like...you're killing yourself. She keeps going into the hospital every couple of months until at some point they'll have to put her on oxygen. I just feel bad for my mom.

Well, I guess this is going nowhere. I don't feel very good. My head has been bothering me all week and I've been having all these strange problems (seems like I always do, huh?). But i've been jittery....actually shaking...kind of like a nervous shake, except I won't be nervous...I'll just be typing at my desk or something. And I'll feel queasy but not terrible, just off.

My workouts have been exhausting too. I normally work out for around an hour but I've been feeling wiped out after 20-30 minutes :(

Then, both my shoulders have been crunching---I can feel the bones rubbing up against something, and that's painful. And occasionally I'll get this extremely sharp shooting pain up the left side of upper thigh and butt--to the point where I gasp for air and feel like I'm going to collapse. A "9" on a scale of 1-10 in the pain factor. It's really strange and I can't figure out what I do to make it happen it just does every so often.

Anyway, enough complaining...I'm only 23, think what I'll be like when I'm really old. ;) (Did I mention I've been having lots of foot issues/pain and my knees throb? I'm killing myself by exercising).