2001-04-1

I feel really blah right now. I'm PMSing for sure, and that's definitly a part of it. Sunday afternoon and nothing has been accomplished. Sleep and more sleep, and wanting to sleep more. I have a lot of reading to do for classes, and it just puts me to sleep. Blah, blah, blah.

Friday night was Sigma Chi after hours. A bunch of things got cancelled, so the girls who made the list were lucky to have something planned to do. I felt bad for Mere and Am because they were supposed to go to Beta, but instead they just went home for the weekend.

Unfortunatly the ambiversion and the PMS were paying the tolls on aglaia, and I didn't feel like going out once the night was upon me. I felt bad, because very often once I get with Jeff I'm tired. Probably because we don't usually hook up until the late hours, and we don't really go out, just "hang out" and when you're tired from not getting enough sleep the night before, and doing the motions for a whole day, I'm tired when I go over and we just sit around. And I knew it was Friday, a big party was planned, and Jeff had purchased a lot of alcohol for us. I just wasn't feeling it.

I've also been experiencing some stomach trouble, just churning and what not--which, er, doesn't feel so good, and it also makes you wary of what you're going to put into your stomach!

So I get ready to go, and I'm there in his room, tired. And he knows, and he's begging me to wake up--do a shot with him. And I whine and hide, because the first shot is always the hardest and it smells like tequila, really bad, and so soon---after a spring break of it! But I take it, and it goes down fine, but then the aftertaste comes on strong, and the stench. I can still smell it long after it has swam down my insides.

Red bull and vodka please. Strawberry Daq. soon following, or double fisting. A playboy magazine is in the room. Jeff's UA friends stop by. Stafford is telling me to find the prettiest girl in the magazine. There's a shot of panama city spring breaker's flashing the camera. "That was me!" I joked.

It sent an unravelling through Jeff again.

Maybe I should stop mentioning spring break. Or going out in general and not having a good time.

I don't want to drink anymore, and Jeff is acting weird, but I don't know why. I think it's because I'm not drinking, but it's not it. I think he's disappointed that he works hard during the week so he can have one day to have fun, and I'm....

Maybe not ruining it, but I'm being a downer? Which I sort of was.

He wants to go dance. Or go downstairs. Or get away from me? I don't know. I don't feel like dancing. I don't feel like anything. I'm tired, and I know he's acting weird. Go downstairs, and I'm not in the mood at all. We stand there for a minute, and I'm doing this begging thing to Jeff. It's terrible.

I mean, the situation isn't. I just feel bad I'm making him not have a good time, so I tell him I'll drink. That I'll finish the bottle with him. He doesn't want me to do anything I don't want to do. So he tells me no. I ask him if he wants me to leave. No? I don't think he does, but I don't know how to make the situation better.

He starts trying to say something then retracts it. It finally comes out that he's bothered that I don't have a good time with him. (tonight being an example.) It's because I mentioned Pananma City...how much fun i had to his friend....and then jeff matched it with how I was acting tonight--not having a good time=bad time with Jeff.

I'm sorry my sentence structure is all messed up and confusing. My mind is working like that right now.

And I'm trying to tell him that I have a good time with him (but I'm not not feeling it tonight.) I try to tell him, that I'm not a big drinker, and that he know's that, and sometimes I don't like going out--maybe I don't like going out in general. That I'm more happier going to a movie or something on the weekend.

And he tells me if that's what I want then he'll go to the movie, and instead of the party, whatever I want. He tells me how he works so hard every single day of the week to get his work done so he can see me. And that he can't afford to really see me sometimes, and on the weekends he needs to be working on his projects, and by the time Friday comes though, he just needs a day to get away from school and relax.

And I feel really terrible by this point, because, I know how hard he works, and his major gives the most work out of any other major, and he needs this day to just have fun. But I can't help that I don't want to drink, and I can't help that I'm really tired, and that i just spent the previous week dancing and drinking everynight, and truthfully I'm a little burnt out.

I'm making this sound worse than it was. Basically he was just frustrated, because he wanted to spend the night with me, and he wanted us to be having fun together. And I think he tried to provide me with all these things (all these different types of alchol so I wouldn't have to drink beer) and then I wasn't drinking any. And I like to dance so he made good dance mixes...but I didn't want to dance. I did feel bad, and finally he left the room to get something, and I just made myself a drink.

Attitude is a state of mind. I was tired, which is why I didn't really want to drink. Often times alcohol will make me more tired. But I knew i could change however I was acting, if I wanted to. We create who we are in each and every minute.

So he came back in, kind of asked me what I was doing, but I kept drinking. Heidi showed up, she finally found this guy "Jason". I hope something blooms from those two. It would be nice to have heidi in a relationship with a "good" sigma chi.

The night got better though, as we both got drunk together and different people came in to entertain us.

I wish he didn't worry about it though. I wish I wouldn't be a downer sometimes, because when it comes to going out, a lot of times I am. Even before Jeff. I do like going out...but on my own terms. And I just get...homebody? I don't know, if it's laziness or what, but sometimes I don't feel like putting on the face and doing the party thing. And I can't really control it. I never know how I'm going to be. Sometimes I'll start out a day ready to go out that night, and by the time it hits night, i'm ready to stay in. It just goes that way, and I'm sorry I'm like that, because I don't want to bring other people down.

I wish Jeff could see how happy he makes me. Because he does. And I never thought I'd get so wrapped up in somebody, but truthfully I would be afraid to see myself if he would suddenly break up with me. Maybe I'd turn cold and move on. But I think I would miss him terribly. I would be a mess. I would miss everything about him.