13 June 2004

I am so disatisfied.

I know my biggest problem is myself and my negative brain that just eats away at my self-esteem and second guesses everything I do but...

Is it too harsh to blame my mom? Because, I know she's not completely at fault, but I do feel like there's this constant critical eye that I can never satisfy. And that critical nature that constant feeling of never feeling good enough--that's my mom in my head.

My mom....she is a wonderful, dedicated and very giving person who has sacrificed much for my siblings and me. So it feels horrible to blame her or say anything negative...plus who wants to talk trash about their own mom?

But this perfectionist nature...that's my mom eating away at me. And I don't even know if it's all in my head or if she really does push that way. I think it's a little of both. I mean...I think I hear her voice in my head CONSTANTLY and I think in real life...she's not like that, but I have created this monster out of her.

But I do live in an almost constant fear of my mom. This unconscious concern that is aware and cautious and fearing the 'wrath of mom' and what her criticism and dissapointment may bring.

I think that's where my perfectionism comes from. I'm never good enough. She is always right. I'm always doing something wrong or could be doing something better. She is always right.

So if she is not there to verbally beat me up I carry her thoughts and words with me so that I may hear her no matter what I'm doing or saying. Or, maybe I'll substitute a friend or a boyfriend and I'll put them in my head making me second guess all my choices and decisions. So, no wonder I'm not spontaneous--how could I be when I'm always wondering what other people are thinking of me and if i'm making the right choices or about not screwing up.

Jeff and I got in a fight. I guess it was a fight. It ended with him being dropped off and not only was it pretty obvious I was not welcome in his house...I knew far before he ever requested I take him home that I was to have nothing to do with him that evening (at least on my preference).

Woo hoo, what a great four year anniversary, huh?

I haven't felt 'romantic' with Jeff in a long time. I mean, of course I love him and have spent time with him and it's not like I don't think I've tried I just haven't gotten anything back from him. I've honestly felt pretty neglected even when we were hanging out. And maybe he feels the same way.

I've always felt that I've been pretty flexible and forgiving and understanding of anything that was going on in our relationship. Which is why when things go 'bad' I usually feel it's because of him. Not necessarily because he causes it but because he chooses to recognize something. Which is fine, if he has an issue it is better to say something. (Of course, he usually just gets distant and ignores me and I have to get it out of him a week or two later after feeling shitty but anyway....)

AND of course if I try to air any grievances instead of any helpful feedback he always is hurt and...well becomes distant and ignores me. So it's like....if I have a problem I will only be punished double for saying anything.

But hey, if you look at the grand scheme of life and things there's not much that really should be causing too much problems. It really all is 'small stuff' and I think we'd all be better if we'd learn to ignore it or accept it or just work and deal with it, which is how I feel I usually react with things.

I'm still human. I'm still annoyed or confused by his [boy] behavior and most of the time I usually don't say anything. But there does come a time where I just simply don't have the patience or willpower to smile and put myself through pain to put out a fire that shouldn't be there in the first place.

So if I stand my ground if I DO show anger...I'm gonna get screwed in the end. It sucks I should be able to have opinions.

He's been gettting annoyed with me lately because I haven't been making any decisions. But it's like...why the hell should I when I always make the "wrong decisions." We were trying to figure out what to do tonight and I said I was up for anything (which was the honest answer). I threw a few things out there that I would be okay with doing and he refused to make the decision for us (fine). So I tell him I'll call him back with my first pick and he should have a pick ready to.

So when I call, I tell him what I want. What does he say? He wants something else. Fine. I do what he wants anyway. Which really is okay, but to me it was the very obvious "hello!" moment...I mean, we don't do what I want to do....because you don't want to do it. Which is okay, because I don't want you going along with something that you don't really want to do because I'm not going to have any fun either. (But somehow when it's me who's going along with something when I really don't want to...why don't I matter?)

AHJHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHGH.

Oh, I just feel so bad about myself (sorry, this is drunk rambling).

I am just so forgiving of his "negatives" why can't he just deal with mine. I feel like the fight was a symptom of a deeper problem because it doesn't make any sense to get into an argument about what we did.

I am directions-backwards. I get lost almost everywhere I go, I have to bring directions to places that I've been to 100 times before. I am not a good driver and I get stressed easily when I do drive. So why does he act surprised and annoyed when he makes me drive when I ask him every 30 seconds which way to turn or where are we going? If I know how to get somewhere it's one way only and it's probably the first way I learned and probably the slowest. So even if I know how to get somewhere I will ask my passenger how to go because....they do usually know how to get there quicker.

Take tonight, we were downtown. I know how to get home, but it has to be the slowest way ever and I am aware of that. It's taking the main street which cuts across the whole city and I take that north until I see a cross street that looks familiar. The street is 25 miles an hour and it's a Saturday night. So...yes, it's going to take a long time. I figure there must be a way to get home on the freeway but I just don't know it--even though I know I've taken it before.

So he explains how to get home and GOD we just get in this stupid argument and he wants me to learn how to get myself around the city. And it's like...look, do you think I LIKE not knowing where the hell I am, most of the time? That I cry when I go somewhere new b/c I usually get lost...it's not a fun experience. Driving, maps...it's all just like a foreign language that doesn't make sense in my brain. If I wanted to get better I would literally have to sit down and really STUDY maps and directions everynight--and even then I can't guarantee any of that work, plus I would have to study constantly to retain it all.

So, I'm sorry that I'm not going to dedicate hours every night to study flashcards of our city's streets. Fuck you.

And for him it's just so obvious and he's like "learn already." And after four fucking years what the hell makes you think I'm just going to magically understand streets and maps? You know if it hasn't clicked by now I don't think it's going to happen.

So don't be so pissed because you asked ME to drive.

Oh, i'm so angry and annoyed and I don't know what to do with this relationship. I feel so disappointed, underappreciated and taken for granted.

He can't possibly be happy can he?