I was walking out the bathroom to head to my art lecture last week and i saw myself in the mirror leaving and I had to stop. My reflection surprised me, it was like....I looked like a woman. For once, I saw this young adult. This beautiful, young face, but collected, old in a responsible way, and independent vision. It was interesting and kind of reflective inspiring in a cool way. :)

OMG, I'm actually a college kid? I know I'm not a sophomore yet, but I always did project when it comes to my age and my school year. Especially since I am scheduling for my spring quarter, and arranging for living for next year, it's hard not to think that I'm going to be a sophomore. I feel like a sophomore. I think it is going to be a really good year for me. Hopefully better than my sophomore year in HS, eh?

A lot of things have been happening to me. Just change I guess. Good change, I don't know, change that to me, was always going to happen. Because as Love Spit Love say, the only thing that isn't going to change, is that change will always happen. Why does it have to be so negative? Do people view my changes as negative, because they are....or do people view it as negative, because they aren't ready for me to change?

And it's hard to tell coming from me, because how can I know that I've changed. All that I've ever known, is myself, and as i (may possibly) change, it's just in one big flow and I don't see it. But I think I have changed. College itself is almost marked for these changes. But perhaps that's just it. I still think you can work the system, but not be a part of the system, even if you're just pretending.

I think Roark from The Fountainhead had it right all along. I kept on thinking that he would play the game, that he would conform--only so he could do what he loved later on, and be so awesome and powerful by then, that society would follow him, or at least allow him to do it. But he never did. He never got wrapped up in it, he never fell victim, he never gave in, and it seemed never had the desire to.

I realized today, that I've always been the one to play the role and know in secret that I AM something more awake than this, whatever this may be. But B touched on something that has been bothering me but never let my stubborn guard down to realize what he was saying. I was totally real with B, but he still saw me as society. He recognized I was different, but in the end, not different enough to make a difference. My apathy only fed the problems, and my inability to articulate my thoughts only shows how wrong I am. I will never reach "true awareness" as long as I hold onto the world. This is where Christianity comes in. The "sins" of the world should not have a hold on me, because I am not of this world. I am of the heavenly world. I am One with God. Although I may not view it as sins, it really is. Me, trying to conform, Me being a society victim without even knowing it, is a SIN. It is the truest form of my separation from God. From knowing mySelf.

It's scary and confusing, and a little bit of a helpless feeling. I need to let go of the world, but how can I survive if I let go? How can I gain pleasures of God, instead of pleasures of the world? And if all this is, is a cycle that repeats, then what is this world good for anyway, if I am not to dip my tongue in it? So I've had my taste, and that was fun, and now I'm here to Remember my place in God? I think CWG may have said that life wasn't a game, but I think it is. It's this fun, see where it will go game really. We're almost like an ant farm. Watch the farm grow, see what happens, until we all die out, and it starts over again...buy another batch of ants, and attach an extra piece to the farm...except each re-do of life, or our second life in the game, starts over where we left and we build on that. Do we build for the better? Or do we fall to the mistakes of the past? And it's so easy to imagine a God who doesn't punish for your "mistakes" because God doesn't care. Because it doesn't matter. Because it is forever, eternity. And we can keep on building, and we can regress, we can move forward, and no matter what, we always get another life, another chance.

Heaven? It's knowing. I think it is the freedom to Go...to go peacefully, to understand the deeper meanings behind everything, to free yourself from worry and guilt and maybes and I don't knows. To remember in fullness, that is the goal because that's where real pleasure begins. In Awareness. And that is heaven. It is to see through the illusion. That this world does exist, but our separation does not. The absolute, is this awareness. I don't think it's another state or plane, it's just a different consciousness, one we can't apply yet. And the beauty of it must be amazing. Just imagining it, I want to freeze in awe, and just...sit here and let it all blow my mind away.

These "created hells" of what you think will happen will, when you die. I don't get that. I think when you die, the illusion dies with you. And then the Absolute hits you. When you realize you just ARE. That everything IS and not only that, it's all going, all at once, already has, and already will. It just....it all IS! Oh, and the desire to experience that. To remember it, to completely believe it, no doubt. How do I get that, how can I attain that? And I already have it, and I don't know how to use it, but I do, but I can't remember. What do you do?

You let go of the world.

But I chose to be here. I created this facet of MySelf as me, as Aglaia, and this is who I AM, right now. It is not about Who I AM, but about Who I Want to Be. I can be anything. I AM already and always will be love, but I am also everything else. The power I have in my hands is endless. It is exciting, it's boring (knowing I am everything and already have been, and already will be, right now...), but it's not really because I don't know, or can't remember, and my individual ME as Aglaia is creating My Experiences, which create Who I Am as a character of God, and a part of her as Me. Oh, I love it all!

So change. If anything, I've become more a part of this world. But I can't help but think, I dabble in the cliches of cliques and college "stuff" still as an individual, and for different reasons than most do. Although, I have only slipped into the shallow end, I suppose there's no real reason why I won't swim on into the deep side of the ocean, and who knows what will happen to me then. Can you even get out of that? I suppose nothing is impossible, but I don't know. Then again, once awakened, I can't imagine falling back to sleep. And of course, though, according to me, I think no matter what, be it in your room where no one is watching, or while you daydream in class we are each AWAKE, in our own way. Maybe I am naive, but I still cannot believe that someone can go their whole life, or even their whole "teen angst" years and not think about thier position in society, in the world, in life and existence at some time. To me it's impossible. I think that is the whole point of the hormones out of control.

We all view it as a horrible thing, but I think it's God's wake up call for us. Literally, He shakes us up, and while everything tries to find it's old place again, we are forced to think, to stand back, to deal with new problems, new feelings, new emotions. All of this is so we may Awake, and Remember, and to BE aware. It's all part of a plan.

No matter how cheesy, or contradictious it seems, I fall back on that everytime. It helps me get through things that are...unpleasant. It seems that if we are in control of our life, then why do things happen that you specifically asked not to? Why is that I see something, and think consistently that [whatever] will be there in my life, what exactly went wrong, when that [whatever] doesn't happen? Is it something I pre-planned earlier? I don't know. It is hard to get through things, when you are supposed to be doing the driving. Why is the backseat driver getting his way? But I see that with most things, it is how you treat it with attitude, that makes it. If you want it to be negative, it will. Also, all things are an experience. You choose how to view them. Experiences are experiences and that is what I am here to do. Besides, every circle in my life leads to something else. Each little thing I do contribute to what happens. We have all experienced something "bad" in our life, only to look back and realize that if it hadn't happened so many things in your life to day would be different...things you wouldn't want to change.

So how does that work. Is it the whole we can't see the bigger picture thing? Or does life have that way of working itself out? Or maybe there was never a "problem" or a "mistake" in the first place. Maybe it's all just events, experiences. A stream of consciousness. Pramitya Samapada. Or something like that. One quarter and I've already forgotten my sanskrit from Asian Phil.!

So life just IS, we just ARE, and I AM...that I AM--because!