09 August 2013

I like to fantasize about possible but improbable situations where I connect in a foreign place with a stranger and we somehow end up in bed. He is completely taken in by me. I am sexy. I am charming. He charms me. Post-affair we return to our lives but he can�t stop thinking about me. I can�t stop thinking about him. He is romantic and passionate and he finds a way to meet me somewhere so we can be together for another go at it. Another round in bed. He falls in love with me. He pursues me. I realize at some point that my life is comfortable and good and worthy but this man, this man, completes me and yes, I must join him and start my new and exciting life elsewhere.

This takes about 15 minutes in my head.

Absolutely ridiculous, right? I did say it was a fantasy. Forgive my inner girl. It�s more of a get me in the mood and turned on kind of fantasy. Something where I can be bad and naughty and can take this huge risk by going for something crazy and outrageous.

And minus the post-show it always seems possible. I travel. An Up in Air scenario isn't out of the question. To actually go and have this fling though�what purpose would it serve?

I find myself frequently in social situations where I feel inside-out. That it�s not me really me who is there but I am just observing, watching, taking notes. I frequently feel like I�m just quietly participating in a research project. Ah, how interesting�. I don�t know if it�s because I am an IFNJ or just simply weird but I do this quite often. It�s served me in many capacities. I can push through an uncomfortable situation or be someone else because it�s not really me. It�s a bit of play, of acting, but also just sitting back and becoming. Who do I want to be? Who do I think I should be? Who do I need to be? Then simply become.

And for some reason I can stand outside of the consequences without concern for outcomes because in the moment I am just exploring and seeing what happens.

I lost my virginity when I was 19 years old. It seems old but it didn't feel that way for me. Perhaps because by the time I actually had sex I had done just about everything but. I didn't quite understand the big deal really when it came to sex.

Why exactly does our [American] culture both glorify and vilify sex? Especially virginity? Look, there are plenty of reasons to wait. Not being prepared for a pregnancy is a good one. And a teenager�s tender soul probably isn't up to the emotional turmoil that sex can bring. Yet, I wonder if a lot of the emotional hand wringing is a result of our culture. Does it really have to be that way?

I've gone off track. The reason I've even returned to the idea of virginity is because I remember each time I experienced any kind of sexual connection, it felt like a virgin-breakthrough. I remember the first time I held someone�s hand. To being kissed with real intensity. I remember watching my reflection in the mirror as my breast was pulled from my shirt, my boyfriend�s mouth falling to my nipple. It was the first time I had seen that. Had felt that. Each small experience I was watching and pushing all of my own internal boundaries. As things progressed, as I got older, I remember thinking�how far am I willing to let this go? How far is he going to try? I was just so curious about how it would all play out and where my comfort zone would stop me.

I suppose I�m reminiscing because something happened to me. It�s been a long time since my curiously has been so piqued.

IFAFM.

I don�t get our hang up with sex. It�s such a primal response. I believe in marriage, in forming a partnership, in finding a lifelong companion. But sex? That just seems like a completely different issue. It seems so unnatural to just be with one person. I think there�s this concept that by being in a relationship you have ownership of the other person. He�s mine. She�s mine. Once you think something is exclusively yours it�s easy to be protective. To be jealous. To worry you might lose. But if we could see each other as a gift, as an extension�I think it becomes a lot easier to free yourself from the constraints.

Of course, this is all meaningless if you and your partner don�t agree.