8 April 2000

I need to go dancing.

I'm definitly craving it right now. I mean think, the last time I danced was for Spring Break. That was two weeks ago. I went from a whole week of the biggest clubs in the USA and dancing all night long to straight up nothing.

I was laughing so hard last night, because I was doing my fave activity. Dancing alone in my little room, was these terrible radio "jams" watching myself in the mirror and just dancing like you couldn't believe. And not good dancing mind you. Sort of like every dance you've ever done as a joke, I was throwing my body out there, jumping around the room, making faces in the mirror. It was great. At least it was a good work out. ;) Sometimes when I think about writing a screen play, I just have to add an incredibly silly scene in there just like that. Because it would be so funny to actually watch someone do that.

I went to Mark's memorial today. It was kind of this amazing experience. Walking into the sanctuary and looking at the first two rows all filled with youth kids. My heart kind of went out. That used to be home. All those kids, I love them all so much. And I came back to visit once or twice since being in college, but it was never the same, and infact, I just wanted to leave I felt so uncomfortable. But being back, and having all the "oldies" there with me. I felt so much love, it was awesome. And we sang old youth group songs in Mark's honor. It was really sad but completely uplifting to hear everyone talk about Mark.

I don't think I've learned anything about life being short or anything like that from having a friend die so young. But after hearing everyone talk about this great person that I never knew that well. It made me think, that my idea of there being "extras" in the world---those people you see and pass and maybe even say your hi/hellos to--they're all these amazing people, and you never know. I hope that I can remember from this day, that we are each a gift. We just need to open the gift of others, and give ourselves away as well, and be opened.

How many people on my floor do I not even know? Not even know they're names? We're all just a collection of amazing facets of one Whole. By knowing others, I know myself. And it's not just about getting to really know other people, the deeper side of them, it's about allowing others to get to know myself. As each person got up to say their ditty about Mark, I started thinking of the things I would say, if that person had died instead of Mark. What would I say, if I was standing up there. What would they say, if I was the one who had died?

Life is too wonderful and colorful to not allow yourself to be vulnerable and step out and let others know who you are.

My acting teacher said something interesting on Wednesday in class. He basically said, live life to its fullest and try to have as many experiences as possible. And basically his reason for doing all this stuff....was so that we would have more to draw on when we began to act and needed to understand a character's mind. Now how funny is that? Living life--for your character.

I had too many "going home" experiences today. I went back to my high school, and I almost dreaded having to go back in. My days there were fine, but now that I'm in college, I can't stand going back. But I made it through the doors and i watched my school play, and I missed acting so much. I wanted to direct though. I wonder if I could direct. Sometimes I get these really great ideas. Maybe ast. director, I don't think I would be up for the challenge of the whole thing. Basically the main director could do most of the work, then I could come in and edit!

I got the email to an old cast member. This is just a fascinating guy. I am always trying to win his approval, and I suppose if there was a social todem pole, not to be snobby but he wouldn't exactly be near the top. But that's how he likes it, really. Maybe that's what makes him cool. I have so much respect for him, I wish I could take a sip of his mind. I don't know why I crave some sort of...compliment? I don't know? Maybe I keep on trying to flirt with him, maybe anything, I really don't understand my behavior and I was always like that with him. He's a great writer, I hope he makes it.

I feel all funky and reflective. I'm not sure what about. Am I re-evaluating things? Where I stand? I know where I stand.....sort of. Maybe I know where I don't stand. God, I love Christians. Real heart loving Christians. Why can't i just find some awesome spiritual kids to hang out with? Christians don't understand me, and everyone else is too busy or has too much agnst against religions to concern themselves with God.

I just wish somehow I could live my life in away that other people would respect it. I want to be a person that people see real spirt and life in. We've already discussed being nice, and that's not gonna happen ;) but can't I love? Can't I care? I want to care. Teach me God.