08 June 2004

So I was searching my entries to recall this point where I was on Spring Break in Panama City Beach (BTW, a terrible entry, please forgive me ;) and was in this Bay Watch contest only to realize I really didn't get to any of the details of my trip.

The entry is this semi-rhyming mess of cues that remind me of all these funny things and probably make absolutely no sense to anyone else. And as I was reading it over I realized it made it sound like I was "eating" other girls and NO NO NO I was not. It was kind of joke--but you see, doesn't make any sense, la la.

It was my first college 'spring break' trip and somehow I was coerced to get on this stage which was holding a contest where you were selected from the crowd/judges for doing....something, and then you won a trip to the Baywatch show or...I don't even remember and not sure I knew or cared even then. But as I said...it was a week to challenge myself and be wild and crazy (and I was--it was fun :) so why the hell not would the assumed shy girl get up on a stage to shock 'em all?

It was pretty terrible. Actually, I don't remember feeling too embarrassed at the time but thinking back on it I want to crawl underground. Anyway, there were three phases that you had to go through--answering trivia from the show (never seen it), lip sync a song with a boy you were matched up (it was a Britney song but I had no clue what any of the words were) and then answer "raunchy" questions from the host.

I was asked, "How many one night stands have you had?"

I could have just answered none. That would suffice, right? Surely, the crowd couldn't hate on me too much--I mean, maybe I could have even said "none...yet." --with a wink to the crowd (you were supposed to get the crowd into you--and it was mostly consisted of drunk, horny boys). But, feeling a little thrown off (still being a virgin at the time), I grabbed the microphone out of the host's hands and with much fanfare said, "Well, [Bob], I am PROUUUUD to say that I am a Virgin and I have never had a one night stand."

And what happened next, who knew....

I was booed.

Lol! I get goose bumps just thinking about it. Haha, did that really happen? But it didn't quite hit me at the time because I remember just smiling stupidly at the judges thinking, maybe I'll get bonus points for being so honest (sadly, I was honestly thinking this). And I had such a great answer to the "wildest or strangest place you've hooked up" (they had about 5 questions they were cycling through with all the girls on the stage, out of a hat). And okay, my story was going to be completely made up, but I thought it'd sound good...

Oh, but anyway, I quickly went on to the stupid lip sync part which was awful and more embarrassing than being booed. I felt ashamed of my girliness--Ahg, why didn't I know the words to Britney Spears?? (although, now, I am secretly proud i did not ;)

Anyway, I conjure up this seemingly random entry, and more specifically to the question I was asked during my stint as a Baywatch Contestant for one reason: tease me with the possibility. (You figure it out).

Since I'm jumpy and running on tangents tonight, I really like the Prince song "Musicology." I was shopping in New York over the past weekend waiting in this awful line to check out where the woman at the register could care less about customer service when the song came up and it actually...warmed me up.

Sure there was the very urban woman behind me breaking it down like she was at the club, but even without her dancing (and me trying to stare but appear to not notice) I think I would like the song either way. I had seen the video before but hadn't thought much of it. In fact, I have never liked Prince's songs and couldn't figure out his god like status that others give him. But the song was full of good funk and soul that you could feel and (by golly) it did kind of make you wanna just dance...even just standing there in the aisle of H&M.

I have been wanting to go to New York ever since Heidi moved there. Especially recently we had talked about me coming up there to see her place and just take a mini vacation and hang out.

I had half-heartedly applied for some positions listed on the MPI site by submitting my electronic resume (didn't even bother with the whole e-cover letters--I hate when you have to submit within this generic form). Anyway, I actually had someone email with interest in me. I have *NEVER* had any potential employer contact me from any online submissions. He was very interested in meeting me if I was going to be in the NYC area.

I knew I could probably get a couple days of work off if I needed to and quickly went online to see what kind of flights were available. The prices were really bad but if I did a Saturday stay over I could get a ticket for just over $200 dollars. When I called Heidi with the news she seemed excited to have me but let me know that her roomies were having friends in that weekend (Memorial Weekend) and so I would have to stay in a hotel. Well, I didn't completely expect her to put me up while I was there (well at least for a day or so!) but told her I understood and began my hotel search.

I couldn't find anything reasonable that kept me in Manhattan. Without sharing the cost with another person it was just going to be too expensive with just me in the hotel. Before taxes and misc. fees I was looking at paying at least $150 (that was "cheap") and if I was willing to share a bathroom I could pay the "reasonable" $100+ a night. So, I knew the trip was out of the question. I expected the hotel rate to be more expensive than my home town but argh, I really didn't want to share a bathroom and I wanted to be semi-close to Heidi as I didn't want to be heading too far by myself in cab/subway in the middle of the night if we went out.

So the week was nixed. I didn't wait too long and lose out on the interviewing opportunity so I talked with Heidi about the next week (fine with her) and then cleared it with my boss (er, well at least the vacation to see my friend, not for a job interview!). I emailed the employer but he didn't get back to me right away and I was in a time crunch to get the flight I was looking at so I went ahead and bought the ticket and hoped for the best that I could get back in touch with this company.

I figured I wanted to see Heidi either way so the trip would not be loss. Well, the guy never emailed me back. I finally got the nerve to call him and he acted as if he had never heard of me before (la la la--we had shared a handful of emails so it wasn't just a one time discussion). Finally he said they had already selected one person and were in the process of picking the second person (it's a multi-planner group I would be a part of as a speaker's coordinator for this medical group, yadda yadda). That seemed awfully fast as when I had mentioned meeting the Friday before he appeared very enthusiastic and encouraging about getting together.

So, it didn't even sound like he wanted to talk to me regardless and when I mentioned I would be in town on Friday he said he wouldn't be in. I thought about asking if I could talk to one of the other office associates but I was feeling pretty silly at that point. He did at least ask me if I would be there on Monday as he could meet then but I was only going to be there for Fri-Sat so I said no, thanked him for his time and hung up.

Felt like I was going to puke too. It's amazing b/c when I talk to people in person I don't get nervous at all but a phone interview...I hate it because I can't read people the same way. I was disappointed as well. Other than the job I have now this is only the second interview I have been asked to participate in (and I didn't even get to do this one!). I mean--although not as aggressively as when I was completely jobless I have continued my job search sending out a few resumes (yes, with cover letters ;) a week. So, since I graduated almost exactly a year ago...that's pretty scary to get so little response.

I have NOT followed up to letters sent as I did pre-job (although I am beginning to doubt that did anything anyway). But, mostly I think it's the hunting outside of the state which is why the response has been so bad. It's just a hard sell to talk to someone who is entry level when you have to consider relocation issues--even if they won't pay for me to come, I understand it may inconvenience them to wait for me to get everything to get there. It would probably take me a month (and I think that's being relatively fast) to get out of here and into a new place.

BUT...that's not why I write. So I have no job interview and I now find myself flying out of my hometown before dawn even breaks (I wake at 4am...after going to bed at 1am no less). I arrive to Heidi's apartment in NY before she or any of her roommates have left. Actually, before some of them even wake!!

I am excited to be alone in NYC in a way. I have never just been discovering in a new place and I thought it would be a good challenge and positive "adventure" into a big city with no knowing guide or friend to assist me (I'm directions backwards).

I left just after 9:30AM and set off. At first I just walked around the block to orientate myself (are the street numbers, avenues going up or down?) and then I set off for the New York Public Library. This appeared to be close on the map but I wasn't sure. I figured this would give me an idea of how long it takes me to get around plus...at the library I could get internet access and maybe look up some comedy clubs or something to do that night or the next.

The walk is cool (lower 70s) and I am amazed by all the cat calls. Surely, in a city of beautiful women I was not anything special to view but the men...I even began to think is my fly down or something --what is all the attention for?

I felt extremely confident. There is something empowering about walking around as a woman by yourself. I used to experience it on campus occasionally, especially if night had fallen. I know, in away it's just plain stupid to walk around by yourself but at the same time...I don't think anyway should have to fear walking by themselves anywhere and anytime. If I needed to walk somewhere I shouldn't have to drag someone home (or the worse, drag someone out of a party they were enjoying to escort me back) when I am perfectly capable of walking myself.

Now, maybe it would change if I were attacked or injured but I was lucky and nothing ever happened. I understand the concept of bad neighborhoods and everything else (don't mess with that luck!) but I always felt very safe on my campus...whether I should have or not, I don't know.

But anyway, it seemed that everyone in New York was either there because they were supposed to be (lived there) or were in groups of tourists. So, by walking by myself, I almost felt as if I belonged to the city....or maybe the city belonged to me.

I enjoyed the bustle of the city. The shops (commercial and unique) and the mix of people. I wandered in and out places until I made it to the library. It was huge!

I honestly just wanted a computer with internet access but was "forced" to tour it a bit half wondering if the library actually had any books at all because all I saw were old halls, sculpture and historical items. I eventually found my way to an internet "renting" area and got a computer right away (I must have missed the rush b/c immediately after there were people hungrily waiting for people to leave their computers so they could hop on).

I hate using computers at the library. Or actually, with anyone around. I like having my personal space. It's not that I'm ever looking at anything inappropriate or particularly private (I'm not sure if any of my emails would be of interest to anyone) but being on the computer is a very private activity for me. It's like...you get lost into this different world and I lose my own awareness of what's going on. So, to then all of a sudden realize people are there and watching you or watching what you were looking at...it's like, I don't know....just it was for me and not for anyone else. I know that doesn't make much sense but anyway.

So I was not on the computer long as I felt awkward in that very public space. I did look up a few comedy clubs and then I pulled away to another table area to pull out my NY map. I hated looking lost or touristy but oh well. I figured I would go and find Heidi's work place (we were to go to lunch together) just so I knew exactly where it was and then from there I could just go exploring around that area.

But in the time it took me to get to Heidi's I found plenty of things to look at and go through (okay fine, I went shopping ;)

Heidi's work area was very "creative" like and artsy. Plus, everyone gets to wear jeans, t-shirts and casual shoes (how awesomely, wonderful!).

Lots of indie boys to flirt with and even got to meet Heidi's boss, who was actually very cool and cute. I dropped the fact that I was looking for a job and he said they may actually have something in their events department. They don't pay very well (at least Heidi's position doesn't) but it's such a cool place (I'd say where and what it is but don't want to give too much away) and the perks would probably weigh out the minus in pay.

We grab lunch at a local pizza place. I am feeling pretty tired at this point. Half the day is over and I've been walking non-stop on three hours of sleep. Chit-chat a little and then I'm off. I'm thinking about going to The Met museum but it's in the 80s (street #) and I'm down in the lower 20s. Although I have journeyed quite easily by foot all day long I think I may actually have to force myself to ride a bus or subway by myself to get there. By the time I reach the mid 40s I decide I will drop my bags off at Heidi's.

But before I make it there I treat myself to a pedicure. The woman does not speak English so I didn't exactly get what I wanted but she did a nice job and I tipped very generously. After that I had a hard time finding Heidi's place. I kept walking up and down the same streets and then finally found it (it's a bit hidden). I go up to her room and decide that I need a nap to ensure I'll make it through the night.

I sleep *so* hard. It felt so good.

That night we go out to eat at an Italian restaurant (they said it'd be a 30 minute wait but it was more like 90 minutes!). We hook up with an old sorority sister and her mom who are there in the city interviewing. Dinner was good but nothing spectacular (I swear my little Italian restaurant I served at has THE most amazing food and everything down to the butter we use is homemade and...well, it pretty much spoiled me). The "mom" paid for our entire meal (aww, 'rents are great!) which was very generous. Haha, I'm happy I ordered that appetizer and two glasses of wine ;)

After dinner we went to a little bar near by. It was very loud and from where I was sitting at the bar (tagged on the end) I could not hear a thing the other three were saying. I sipped my cosmo, bored and tired, attempting more than anything to sit correctly so that my ass doesn't fall out of my low-rise jeans (they weren't exactly made for sitting).

After the drink the friend and mom decide to go and so do Heidi and I. It is not quite midnight but we're both tired and so we go home. The couch I crash on is not the most comfortable space but the room was quiet and extremely dark (their sitting area has no exposure to windows so it was pitch black without any lights on--like being in a cave).

The next day we wandered the city bit and visited the Sex Museum. It was interesting and would like to study it from a Women's Studies perspective. The first level felt a bit like a porn shop with there being different mediums of artistic interpretations of sexual attitudes and behaviors. Mostly queer depictions (I say queer in its truest sense, not in derogatory manner).

I was probably blushing the whole time. The video with the two girls kissing with the bubblegum sharing was surprising completely un-erotic though and actually turned me off...a lot. So maybe I don't like girls after all!

The next levels took you through a history of Chinese eroticism. It seemed a bit...I don't know, filtered through Western words and visions? I guess just not very authentic. Still interesting and we wandered quite a long time looking at all the pieces and reading all the descriptions. It was more "museum" like but you still got your fill of 'gina and penis.

I am very good about eating regularly (okay, I just like to eat but...) anyway we had not eaten breakfast so I was extremely hungry by this point. We ate at Quiznos. I would have preferred we dine at something more unique to NY but it was easy and cheap so I guess it worked. My sandwich was not very good (although I managed to finish it, la la la).

We walked and walked and walked some more until we stopped to get our nails done. Since I just had the pedicure I got a French manicure. My lady was terrible. Loud, mean, yelling at everyone and even stopping to call for lunch while she was still doing my hands! Not surprisingly my nails looked almost as bad as if I had done them myself (i'm pretty horrible--think 4 year old). I mean, I literally had nail polish on my fingers from where she "missed." Plus, polish didn't cover the whole nail. And...well, all over, just bad.

After that we enjoyed a margarita. It was cold that day. Low 60s, overcast and slightly drizzly.

I met her semi-boyfriend (they're dating but I'm not sure either of them have labeled it). He's her hairdresser. I was happy to get to meet him but slightly annoyed she had a hair appointment while I was there. The thought of sitting in some lobby for two hours did not sound exciting. Fortunately, I was able to watch Heidi get her hair done from where I was seated, watching her interact with F. while I read magazines. They were mostly NY oriented so I didn't have any "goody" generics (Shape, Cosmo, etc).

I did find a little pearl called Vice. It is very un-PC and extremely funny. The receptionist probably thought I was crazy b/c I laughed out loud on a couple of occasions while reading it.

Heidi's hair looked amazing. She has great thick, curly hair. I have never seen it straight in my life and it was perfectly straight and shiny; looked very nice.

Her man was....not what I expected. He is a Latino but has a big curly fro and un-kept (but "trendy") beard. He is unlike anyone else I have ever seen her interested in. We go and pick up some beers then walk to his place. He is asking me questions but I feel stupid because I don't understand most of what he saying. It is English but unarticulated with an accent. I keep answering the "wrong" question. Haha, he asked me how long we (Heidi & I) had known each other and I responded that I didn't know what we were doing that night and didn't have any plans.

Now where did I get that from?!

At his place we met his roommate, N. a neighbor S. and a friend (of someone's, la!) C. The girl was pretty with long red hair. Very friendly and quickly played host offering me a cocktail. Everyone but the girl were of South American descent. It was neat to be around a group such as them. They were all older, the girl, the youngest at 26, the men all 30 or older.

We chatted and the boys mostly poked fun at all of us and got to know me and Heidi and our relationship and history.

I really don't like orange juice. But, strangely, I managed to drink four of those O.J. and vodka's, la la la....

It was fun to be...the center of attention(?) of this group. I mean, I know I wasn't but it's been so long since I've just been able to meet new and interesting people who genuinely seemed interested in getting to know me. And/or that I was interested in getting to know them. I suppose Jeff and I go out and I meet new people but it's usually a chore to talk to people.

It's just that...and I don't get it because Jeff and I seem so much a like--and even us together with Heidi the personalities flowed so great together that I don't get the people he hangs out with most of the time. It's like hi this is Jeff #2 and you don't get it at all.

But, I can't say that this little group that Heidi and I found ourselves in was the most natural of ones. They were older and bilingual--I got to share my top five Spanish phrases which I speak so frequently mixed in with my English that even Jeff knows them and he took French!

After our drinks and everyone feeling quite friendly at this point we head out. The girl suggests we all get some "party favors" which I assume correctly to be coke. They all suspect I am as "goody good" as Heidi is (which, in general, I am ;) and I make it known that I've never done it before.

But, at four drinks in the system and a cute girl who seems to really like me by my side I find myself at a public telephone booth with a key full of coke up to my nose. And two sniffs later its interesting to note that I am more concerned with the thought that Heidi might have "caught" me doing it than anything else. I mean, you just did coke, girl--does nothing surprise you?!

The next club we got to is relatively upscale. I only now realize that I was still wearing flip-flops from my day's journey and I wonder if that was really inappropriate. I was wearing my "sexy" jeans and a nice bar top (you can wear it casual or dressy) but I didn't wear boots out in the morning cuz I knew my feet would be hurting after walking all day. Not that it mattered, I obviously wouldn't have noticed if someone thought poorly of my footwear at that point in the night.

Heidi and I love to dance. Actually, I love to dance when Heidi is around because she's just so free and a natural. It's fun to watch someone and be a part of that. If you don't like to dance I don't think you can understand. It's more than just appreciating a good dancer it's about being inspired to dance yourself because you find such a fine pleasure it finding that space where the music moves you and your body follows.

We danced and danced with C. with us. We are all dragged into a bathroom (everyone we came with and in a crazy moment, Heidi joins us for another round of coke).

I find an easy going connection with C. and a kind warmth. She is definitely the type of person I could hang out with. We decide we want to do some "real" dancing and want to go a club.

I am downing H20 at this point. I find myself with an unquenchable thirst. But the bartenders don't seem to mind serving me. Either its my infectious grin and attitude...or that two dollar tip for a glass of tap water doing it ;) Plus my right tooth is numb�probably from the drugs but I can�t get over the sensation.

On my journey to the door I stop for some more water. I meet an "alternative" guy from Ireland. He has a very sexy and enjoyable accent. I think he's probably mid thirties with piercings and funky facial hair. I enjoy flirting with him until Heidi pulls my arm to go.

Not sure where everyone goes but I run outside and it's just me and F. out there. To backtrack all of the boys have been extremely flirtatious and, well, I don't think there's a word for it but we there has been this air of sexuality between the group all night.

I mean back at the apartment people were kind of just playing around but grabbing at each other (slapping butts and grabbing breasts--typically disgusting behavior but I think we were all so relaxed and playful that it didn't seem to throw me (or Heidi!) off).

Anyway, so F. kind of grabs me and kisses me and it's over so fast that it just seems more playful than we're being especially "bad" or sexual. And he whispers to me as he pulls me near again something about my lips being so soft (and it was the way he said it that was sexy, I must admit) and he pulled me in for a kiss again. I suppose I didn�t resist but I don't exactly kiss him back. I'm still kind of dazed (both by the act and in my drunken state) but as he does the second time Heidi comes running out of the door and either he pushes me away or I break away or...

Well, let's just say I�m 95% sure she HAD to have seen us kiss but, what do you do? It wasn't a KISS-KISS--more like a soft (and somewhat sloppy) brushing of the lips. Which meant nothing. I don't even find him attractive in the general sense. He's got a fun attitude to him but I'm not physically into him.

I'm sure my cheeks flash with pink but if Heidi did see she doesn't say a thing (but I don't think she would, at least not at that point). We go to the club but Heidi does not have her I.D.. In her own drunken state she did not bring her purse with her when we left the apartment. F. tries to bargain with the door guy but to no avail. We head off to another bar instead.

It is a semi-empty bar with this weird back room. It's like...there are a lot of people there who are together as a group and when Heidi and I walk in I almost feel as if we are crashing a party or something. There's some making out on the side, some lounging and some dancing. It's pop music...and I'm not into it.

Actually, between being "caught in the act" which I didn't even want to be a part of and just in general feeling a "come down" I was not feeling so hot. I felt sick to my stomach, my head began to ache and I felt detached and upset. It's hard to tell what was causing it all. The concern about Heidi, the drugs running off, the alcohol running out, the night getting long without anything to eat since lunch?

I don't want to drink, I don't want to be there and all I can think about is escaping. It's a classic Aglaia moment. I'm such a party downer--but I can't help when I get into these moods. I just...it's like when I'm done, I am done and it's practically impossible to break out of the funk. I know I can't walk home and I know if I try to leave one of the guys will try to escort me back to Heidi's or the guy's apartment. Which is very nice, generous and even appreciated--but I don't want to be the person that ends someone's fun so early into the night because I'm being a bummer.

I am contemplating my move and trying to shake myself out of it but it's hard. C. is being very kind, strokes my hair and gets me a ginger ale. We decide to leave and go somewhere else. By this point, N. has moved in--he is obviously interested in me and has his arm around me wherever we go--and I let him. It's all in that same carefree manner, nothing serious.

The next bar is VERY packed and they're playing "classics" on the stereo system. I am still feeling negative but when N. asks if I would like to dance I do. And I slowly work out of my funk. I must still be drunk though because when F. hands me whiskey on the rocks (something I would never even dare touch) I pick up the glass and down the whole thing and happily take the beer he also hands me. We dance for another long while I play "fuck me" eyes with everyone around me (dirty girl!)

I am not sure what's up with Heidi but she does not dance much and either does F. They both hug close to the bar while I, C. the other guy and F. all dance together. C. and I save each other from creepy guys including this extremely dorky "young professional" who continually tries to get up on C. and I think she makes it pretty clear she's not interested but he continues anyway (guys, please just GIVE UP!).

We dance lots and at one point I am in this other room talking with some girl (er, back to thinking I'm best friends with everyone....) when F. passes by and he tries to pull me into the bathroom with him. I am there to have fun and half think about doing so but after that Heidi event and the (endless possibilities) of what could happen in a large, but single bathroom unit I think better and shake my head playfully and push him in by himself.

We leave there and go to another bar. Just, as I may mention a BEAUTIFUL black man asks to dance with me. He looks like a model, has gorgeous skin and I would have loved to chat more but....off we go. It is more casual and laid back than the other places at the new bar. More video games and pool tables than dance floor. I am beginning to tire at this point.

Heidi and I settle at a seat looking bored I'm sure. We see F. nibbling at some other girl and I think Heidi has had enough. She says she'd like to go and I tell her I'll do whatever she wants. We are on our way out but unsure of where to go. Heidi's purse is at F.'s place. I do not think N. wants to go but Heidi in a trembling and drunk panic begins to complain about her situation and he very kindly helps us into a cab and says he'll come with us to get Heidi's purse. For some odd reason he sees C. on the way leaving and he grabs her and pulls her in.

She's a doll and keeps talking about how she was talking to "chris" and he's cute and "hey, why are we leaving and where are we going?"

Where are we going?

I am feeling especially guilty over Heidi having seen the innocent peck of F. earlier as she goes on and on about his behavior and how she understands they may not be girlfriend/boyfriend but she should at least deserve his respect an attention on the night's they are out together. Which I agree.

C. leaves to go back out and N., Heidi and I sit on the couch together not sure what to do. Heidi is distressed over her relationship--should she call him to see what's going on--should she wait for him--should she just go home??

I am in my own personal dilemma. I am enjoying the attention of N. but know the longer I sit in a dark room next to a horny and drunk boy the less chance I have of leaving in a respectable fashion. But I must admit I was aroused with the teasing possibility of opportunity that had found my door.

I also wasn't sure what would be best for Heidi. We were all under the influence and while that does not excuse your behavior it does help explain it. I suggest she call him or we go. Who knows when F. would actually show up and I was ready to go to sleep anyway. She decides to call him and F. says he's coming home. N. I believe would like to wrap his hands around me as his eyes explain all.

I half fall asleep as we wait and then F. comes stumbling in. Apparently, N. had his wallet so F. walked all the way home. I am unsure of how far this was or how long we waited. Heidi disappeared into F.'s room and N. attempted to pull me into his.

He knows I have a boyfriend and as Heidi had pointed out all night long to any and everyone we are "practically married" so I keep pulling him back to the couch with me casually lounging my legs across his body. But he does kiss me and I kiss him back.

I know in a sense that it is wrong but it does not feel wrong...it does not feel real. I also know that that isn't fair or a valid excuse if offering reasons or explanations would ever become necessary.

Jeff is a jealous person. And if he knew I had even kissed someone I...don't know what would happen to us. Yes, even just a kiss it would be an awful explosion. He would kick me out of his life if not for a long moment and possibly forever. And when you think of the true reality of it, nothing is worth sacrificing our relationship for. Certainly not for a sexual rendezvous in New York. But it's hard to separate reality with a situation that is in the moment. Because emotions and feelings are real and raw in that minute and don't we live for that?

Don't we all desire that powerful experience that rushes our blood with something spectacular?

By the time I leave the apartment the sun has crept out and I don't get back to Heidi's until just over 6am. She stay's over at F.'s place and I ride a disjointed cab ride home. N. walks me out and keeps asking me when I'll be back, that I need to move to the city, that he wants to see me again.

He kind of awkwardly says he has no way of getting a hold of me. I smile softly at him but say nothing. I could offer him my number, an email? But what's the point? He says something about getting my number from Heidi but trails off.

I'm not sure what he expects me to say. We embrace and I get into the cab.

I look a crazy mess and do not understand what the cab says. Apparently from the direction we are coming from we cannot get onto the street I need to get to (one ways and all). I have no idea what he is talking about and keep repeating the address I have over and over again my voice croaking with early morning hoarseness.

He must have figured it out because he drops me off exactly where I need to be. I go up to Heidi's room and in sweeping drunken flow attempt to walk around the apartment putting my suitcase together. I crawl into bed shortly after 6am after staring into a blur of an alarm clock to set it for 7am and fall fast asleep. I wake quickly and put the rest of my stuff together. Although I had showered the day before I looked pretty greasy and gross.

I was also, incredibly hung over. With bags in tow I left for the airport (hailed my own cab and all ;).

In the waiting area outside of my gate I sat in a sickly, dirty mess. My stomach was swirling and my head was pounding. I was also extremely tired. I found myself nodding off at my seat, head swinging as it does when you fall asleep sitting up. I was worried I would fall asleep and then someone could grab my bags (or in the terrorist world, put something in it)...or least frightening but most annoying--have them collected for leaving them "unattended" (in a sense).

I looked out at the people around me probably with a glare. Ugh, I felt so queasy. Finally, could get on the plane and I didn't even get a pillow. I slept in short disjointed briefs. When I closed my eyes the world spun and my stomach lurched. I must have been "out" when drink service passed though so I didn�t even get any crackers or soda--I was really hoping for that ginger ale.

Back home it took until about 1:30 to sober up completely and not feel so uneasy. It was strange, my stomach felt more twisted about calling Heidi then it did Jeff's.

I was curious to get her take on the drug activity (she's only tried pot once and has never done anything else) and also interested of her p.o.v. concerning N. She only said she didn't feel much (affect from the coke) and agreed with me that it was hard to tell since we had both been drinking for so long by that point. As for N. she simply said he was very smitten with me.

I told Jeff I did coke and was surprised with his disappointment. I knew he had tried it (without much fanfare opinion himself) so it wasn't like he had never done it before. But then he expressed it was only his concern that he'd rather he'd been there in case if something went bad, which was very sweet. And he's right...that coke could have been cut with anything.

I had a REALLY good time in New York. It was good to see Heidi. I had fun being wild and crazy and it all kind of felt like this out of control spring break and I really kind of needed it. I understand it probably wasn't right to act as I did but I don't feel...bad, I mean I don't feel...I don't regret anything I did.

I could go on and on with a dialogue concerning my thoughts on drugs, sex (and all of pop culture's influences) and they probably wouldn't match up with most people's. I think life is about experiencing things. I think consequences are a part of life's reality (we may not pay for "sins" but certainly for each action there is a reaction) and it up to us to choose how we will view and act in every moment.

We behave as we do in each minute for a reason. I haven't decided if that minute is some glorious plan each second perfectly destined for you for some reason or if each occurrence of our life has meaning because we CHOOSE to give it meaning (and in the bigger picture isn't that the grandest reality, that God gives us that opportunity to truly create each and every experience--to make of things what we choose?).

Well, I've been sitting here since 8:30pm. And it's now past midnight (and thirteen or so pages later....) Guess you now know why I don't write more often--whew, what a time commitment!