12 March 2000

Do you ever start writing diary entries in your head? Maybe it's the writer in me, i've been doing it since I was little, but I like to narrate everything going on around me, playing out like a novel. But usually by the time I get to sit down to write anything, I've either tired the story, or something new is on my mind, and it never sounds like my orignal "entry." But that's okay.

I feel good. Must be the chocolate. I just got a "good" vibe running through me.

I just found out someone died. (Friend of a friend of a friend's mother...didn't exactly know her.) I shouldn't feel great. Or actually, why not feel great. She's awake now more than she ever was here in the relative. Not to get morbid on you.

Time to time I'll try to imagine what it would be like to lose someone really close to me. I don't know why I do that either, it's kind of weird. The first thing I think, is how I would cry, and be this terrible mess. Then my next vision is of me taking it real peacefully. I know I would cry, but I'd like to think I would apply CWG. That I don't just think it and say yeah, but really live it, really feel it, really Know it and believe it.

Faith.

I don't wish to be tested, but sometimes I wonder how I would take it. It's always easier to be on the outside and tell others on the in, what to do. But it's a completely different experience when you're the one going through it (be it anything) than when you're the one watching.

The brain is an interesting thing. In my next life I either want to be a psychologist or a brain surgeon and do scientific research on it. (Okay God, write that down on my future palette, for me! ;) Somewhere along the line, I decided I didn't want the super brains. Not to say I'm dumb. I think I'm smart. I'm the mostly A, time to time B student. But I think it's more motivation and all that good stuff, then real smarts. That frustrates me. But it's okay. I'm sure I'll fine something I'm good at.

Bleh, this is turning into a pathetic woes me moment. Generic.

It's all generic. "Not a reality. It's all fake. Media driven. Every sensory feeling, vision, created, already seen, we're just repeating, re-seeing, reproducing, never creating an original thought or idea. It's all been done, it's all been seen. Who is creative, what is originality? It's gone."

Are those post-modernists right? I went "contemporary" today with my photography. Assuming there are no orignal images left. Art, is left to be a reflection of our society today. I went around and photographed billboards. It was kind of an interesting experience. The bombardment of darting dots, that create the picture for our eyes. And all those complainers, those photographers, are really as much to blame. They're the ones creating more pictures for our eyes. I never complained.

I think original beauty is always original to the one taking it. Maybe it's been seen by someone else. But each thing we personally see is an experience for itself. It doesn't matter if it's been seen before. I've never seen it. You know?

I need to get a man. At least find someone I like. It doesn't matter if he likes me or what not. I just need someone to, I don't know...okay, i'll admit it, I'm one of those girls who like the chase. I love the first stages, they're the best. The games, the flirting, it's wonderful. Need a man. It wouldn't hurt, if we might actually have something going. I think I would really like that. I wasn't ready before. It took me two quarters to get it out of my system, but I think I'm really ready to date someone. I would like a relationship with someone.

I'm sure there are dozens of guys I could click perfectly well with. I'm really not picky, i'm easily amused. I'm afraid though, if I don't meet someone soon, I'm gonna end up calling Dan. And I don't want to do that. Nope. It's too easy. Besides, I don't want to play with Dan's feelings. That's really not cool. The game is only good, when the people involved know they're players in it. And I do like Dan. I just know, that I need to be with someone new.

I just, need to stop being a romantic, and I don't know. I say I'm not picky, but then I don't like anyone I'm with. I complain about never finding someone who has common interests, but I think I'm thinking of the perfect dream man. I say I'm not asking for much, but in reality I'm asking for it all. I don't want to lower my bar, but I want to be more accepting of what I get. And if anything try more. I don't know, I don't know anything. I don't know if I'm doing it right, and I should expect more from someone I'm dating, or if I'm just being naive, and what I'm looking for isn't there. How are we supposed to know, any of us?

It doesn't have to be love, I swear I'm not trying to find it, or wait until I'm in that position, but I just want to be with a guy that I really like. And I don't think that's a lot to ask for, I think that's normal. I just wish I could find someone I could really click with. Was Rick right, am I really doomed because of my mix. My darn birthday, placing me on the cusp, in between worlds, misunderstood, weird, complex and confusing.

Get right with God before you can get right in a relationship. So what am I missing, God, what am I not right with, with you? I sound more hopeless here than I am. I happily apathetic. Waiting is.

Peace.