Hey yo.
Who says yo anymore, anyway? I keep thinking about a million things. I'm hallucinating a smell and the e-disease is getting stronger i think...then again i'm hallucinating, so who's to say what is, or isn't doing.
"I can't believe we would lie in our graves, dreaming of things....wondering if we had spent our living days..."
...worth doing something? Creating something, being something? How are your living days going? I think I'm living fine, I don't wish I was doing anymore with my life really.
I think I want to date R though. I can't decide if I really want to date him, or I just think it would be interesting to date him. I suppose I would know for sure if it was the former, but would I really? We become these toys to society. Believe what they say, trust what we see, accept what we hear, and go feeling secure that they're right, they're all knowing, and all along we don't really know who they is. Who is "they"?
We are.
So what the hell are we doing anyway? And is some hopeful Utopia possible? Can The Beach become reality? How real was it in the movie? I don't think they were any better than what society is.
For those of you lost, I'm talking about the new movie out. I actually thought it was good. Well, good may be a strong word. Plenty of problems and issues I could break apart in the movie, but I think it had a couple ideas, a couple of concepts it tried to explore, or did...but should have done it differently, or should have done it more.
I hate when you see a movie or read a book, and know it had so much potential, but the writers couldn't get out of their box. All they really needed was someone like us--someone like me, to come and edit a little. :) Add some there. I think it could have been a really interesting movie. Perhaps it's the hallucinations, but I left the theater with that feeling. Yeah, the kind that makes you think about the movie over and over again. Repeating scenes, letting your mind work out the problems you couldn't really pick out with words, but you knew something was missing or wrong. No, it wasn't Leo who did it. ;)
I actually never had a thing for Leo. Infact really never found him that attractive. But I admit he is a cutie....and totally understand the pre-teen craze for him. But let's just say he's not Keanu. And that's a whole 'nother story.....with another history.
If you haven't seen the movie, I'd stop here. I don't think I really ruin anything, but who knows.
There was a part that I especially liked,
where leonardo was kind of separated from his "gang"
and he's sort of left to work it out on his own in the
"wild" in which, he almost turns animal like himself.
But even though he's changing, he's just
playing a game it's just a big video game playing out
and he's the character...until people die,
and he's there to see it, and it kind of wakes him up.
There's this utopia idea going on with this community of people on this "secret beach/island" and in away, you look at it and you understand why they think they're different or better than....regular society but by the end you realize how disturbed it really is. That the big picture is that they're no more different or "better" than regular society. On the otherhand, at the end you see Leo
back in society again, it's like this huge culture
shock, and you get so....like to imagine going from
what he experienced to a shock back into "reality" it
was kind of interesting. To see how technology and
such plays this role in our lives.
Tangent: I think I may become a web designer. Not to say I'm this awesome programer. I barely know anything about HTML. Let's just say I get really excited if I even change my background color. But I'm in design class, and I keep thinking how great it is. The people in the program are creative, fun, thinkers, and try to defy all that society junk. Which is cool to be surrounded by a bunch of people like that. It looks like the office makeup is fun, and the jobs are interesting, and always changing.
And then I tell myself I don't have the skills for it. I don't have the creativity. I don't have the "Get go" or the passion. But I don't know. I don't think I'm going to major in it....the program as a whole doesn't fit me. But perhaps I could take some training classes. Read up. Surf--steal ideas ;) ...Create ideas. I don't know, like something on the side. And then if I got good at it, I could kind of start showing my work to people or try to network. At least it's an idea in the meantime. Something I can work on. I keep thinking anyway, that I should take some computer courses and start getting more in depth with it. I'm as "literate" as it goes, to work my needs. I'm not sure if I could serve someone else though. I'll think about it though.
There's a formal coming up on April 8 for Alpha Xi. I need a date. But I've got R, right? I don't know why I feel so threatened by him. Here is this perfectly nice guy. He keeps me thinking, he has his own mind. He can be a prep he can be an alternative. Okay, so he does drugs, but I think he does it in the right mind...if you can be in the right mind. I guess it's something that a "druggie" only understands. If it wasn't for him, I still wouldn't understand it.
I love looking how my friends have influenced me. R,
has already influenced my life. You could call it corruption, you could call it experience, you could call it teenage exploratory, or college cliches, or anything else. I think, life is full of interesting possibilities. I would love to get to the point where I really could see through it with Love and just Be. Just see things as all life experience, and try to get past some confinement of "good/bad."
So why am I scared of R, again? Is because I've reverted back to middle school shyness? I don't understand myself. It's so obvious we both like each other. When I go to call him, I don't think he's going to say no..unless if he already has other plans. So, I don't understand why I'm scared. Maybe I don't understand why he likes me.
Okay, so I could pretend to know what he thinks of me. I have no idea, really. I don't know, I just.....I mean obviously I want it to be based more than just on looks. I just feel so out of place. I feel.....boring. I mean I don't....do drugs, or party like he does. I don't dress like him, hang out with the same kind of people. I don't know why I feel so threatened by that. I mean all the differences is what I am attracted to in him. So it's probably the same thing he is attracted to in me. I know we can talk, we can. We both love philosophy, and I think we are both Aware of being AWAKE.
So this Friday....I'm pretty sure that we might go to this Club. Or least he/I have mentioned it off an on, so I hope something happens there. And I want to see him anway, cuz I didn't last week. We seem to be doing that a lot. See each other every two weeks. That's kind of a lot of time really, to be apart from someone when you're trying to build something with. I almost feel like I should call him once a week to keep the "connection" going on. ;)
It's just hard to keep in contact with someone you don't see naturally. I think that's a hard relationship to continue. I mean it seems if you look at your dating history, Aglaia, you continue to be with people like that.
Why?
Is it just some fun idea of dating someone outside the circle, or what? I don't know. I guess the problem with dating R is that I would obviously want him to spend time with my friends, but I'm not sure who my friends are... I mean I know who my friends are, just they're all so disconnected from each other. Thank goodness for the fuzzies, or else I wouldn't have a group of girls who actually associate with each other. But we usually go out as a gang, not really as a separate group...not that we couldn't, but...we just haven't so far. And i don't know.
I know I don't need to prove myself to him. But I still try. His friends don't care. So why do I? If anything, i'm sort of a trophy. Ah, god, that sounds terrible. I don't want to be a trophy. I mean sure, I want people to think I'm attractive, but...it's so pointless to think about it, I know R likes me for more than my looks. But I'm still worried. And sometimes when I'm talking with him, i can hear it in my voice. How hard I'm trying to sound...impressive? I don't even know what. It's like I am being myself...but, pressured. I'm pressuring myself. And I'm not changing, or even saying or doing things I wouldn't normally say or do, just...
I don't know, it's not even necessarily a terrible thing at all times. I've surprised myself a couple of times. I've come up with some cool stuff, that maybe I didn't really realize about myself. And about R. He just has such a great personality. I love the way he views things. And every show on TV, that i'm really getting sucked into, it seems like people are hooking up. (I guess people are always hooking up on TV though ;) I'm thinking of maybe making a "real" move this Friday. So more on that later. ;)
