I haven't been running as much since I ran the half-marathon. It was the month of my Annual Meeting and I was working longer hours trying to get prepared before the meeting with work. After the meeting I started seeing a chiropractor almost daily which sucked out precious hours of my day commuting to and from the office. All excuses; I could have managed to fit it in but I chose sleep or relaxing over working out.

Thankfully it doesn't seem that I have gained much if any weight from not running so that is good. I'm in a strange place where I would still like to be thinner and I'm plagued with the "I feel fat" syndrome but I also feel a stronger connection to my curves and feel the sexuality of them.

But, I would still like to be smaller. I would love to be 10 pounds lighter and certainly more tighter. I'm only 26 and I'm already beginning to have days where I look in the mirror and think I look old.

Jeff and I are in a pretty good place. I feel very secure in the relationship. At the same time I'm not completely sure where the marriage issue is. There are days where I want to push it and other days where it seems so pointless. Not just the wondering and worrying but the whole idea of a wedding and a marriage.

Often the idea of a wedding sounds exhausting. Other times I get a girlish excitement about the plans. I don't think I would ever get into the details. Which sounds weird since I am a meeting planner but I just don't care about a lot of things to be invested in what they look like. If I were to have a full blown wedding I would definitely want to have a wedding planner. Hopefully someone who could get to know my style and taste and run with it. I like very simple, clean, modern design and could probably tell you what I don't like but the idea of thinking about invitation design or floral arrangements leaves me blank.

I wouldn't mind picking out that dress though.... :)

I really don't know where Jeff stands on it. I don't really get why he just doesn't propose. I think a lot of it is he doesn't want to deal with the wedding (ha, we're both so lazy!), doesn't want to spend his money on a ring when it could mean we could take another trip (I'm sort of with him on that), and perhaps he's still wonders if I'll still wake him up with a surprise that I've decided I don't love him and I'm ready to start a new life without him.

I could understand his doubts at first....really, not so much after I decided to move in with him, but even then I was willing to let him figure things out. But, I don't think he can really use that now. I mean, maybe he'll always wonder. If he truly was surprised (and I still have a hard time believing that) then it would be uncomfortable thinking....well, things seem great now --but they also seemed great then. I can't believe I hid my unhappiness so well he had no idea.

I also can't believe that I was so unhappy and that he...wasn't too.

Regardless, I'm prepared to live happily-ever-after sans a ring and marriage...at least for now. I would never want to pressure him into it and I still try to point out that I wouldn't expect anything in our relationship to change after getting married.

Getting married would offer a few really nice things. Besides thrilling our parents who have been waiting for us to formalize everything it would be nice to finally call him my husband. There is something rich and meaningful in that word that I really treasure. Being a wife is a responsibility and a commitment that 'girlfriend' never can be, the way language limits us.

I may think of him as my husband and his family as my in-laws but without making it official....he isn't and they aren't...family. And that is something I want.

I'm beginning to dread the introduction. Boyfriend sounds so immature...there are still times where it feels inappropriate to have him at functions because the label 'boyfriend' sounds so insubstantial. I feel compelled to say "but we've been dating for over seven years--" to reassure he's the "real thing" but then I feel embarrassed ---

If you've been dating for this long and aren't married it leaves a big WHY in the air. If he's the type of guy who won't commit he looks a little pathetic. If I'm the type of girl to wait around for a guy after that many years....it makes ME look pathetic. No one wins.

There's also been a few times where not being married has hurt us in other ways. When my grandmother passed away I received paid-leave time while he had to take a personal day. My health insurance is better than his plan but since he's not my legal partner he can't get on the plan.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel pressed with an urgency to get things done and to get answers and other times I don't see the point. But, I'm beginning to feel the tug when I see other couples meet and get married in time far shorter than we've been together.

We are able to comfortably joke about marriage but when I press him for answers I don't get any and I just feel bad about afterwards. It's hard...I don't want to pressure him but then I flip sides and think well, WTF is he waiting for? And if he is waiting for a certain reason....shouldn't I know?

It would be so much better if he would just say something concrete...even if he is happy being together but not married (and possibly never getting married)--just something. Not, "oh, I tried that once and you turned me down."

Which isn't fair. Ha, besides, he never actually asked me to marry me. Sure, he may have bought a ring and asked my dad for permission... but I did, la la la, attempt to break up with him before the question was ever asked. Anyway, it's been close to two years since we went through all that. AND we're living together!

Plus, with his new job I know he has a lot more money so he's in a better situation financially which I knew was something that was important to him (all that silly "I'm a man and must provide for you" stuff). Sigh, it just leaves me feeling disconnected when I think about it too much.

And if that makes me pathetic....then I guess I am.

Other than that our relationship is going pretty great :)