24 January 2001

So I just finished a weekend of major FLU suffering and RUSH (sorority) experience. I can't remember ever having the flu. I mean I'll get colds, but the whole naseau, fever thing?

I think elementary school sounds about right.

I haven't missed school because of illness around....well probably the same time before...like when I was nine or something. Crazy and terrible stress do I have when I miss class. That's just the way I am. But somehow I'm back, I survived, I'm alive.

What a terrible time to get sick though. It was the weekend of formal RUSH, and here I am, chills, running a fever, voice croaking like a frog and trying my hardest to look pretty and be interesting. I ended up sitting out the last 'round---and was locked in my room because of it. It was weird being...well, almost under house arrest. I couldn't come out of my room because everyone was dressed up and giving "heart sells" and house tours, and downstairs ceremonies and such were going on. I'm just up in my room hearing songs being sang and yadda yadda. I was kind of lonely.

Can I tell you how much Jeff is a doll. What a sweetie, he's so cute, and so... I'm just really lucky, I guess. Being sick with him, just showed me how much he cares about me, and it's scary and wonderful to have someone really feel that way about you. More and more I'm realizing what Jeff and I have and it's this pretty amazing thing.

I mean, it's just weird, to all of a sudden realize you're in this relationship, because it isn't like anything I've ever been in before. You have this connection on a complete friend level, and then the intimacy you share. You stop and realize that you have truly given a piece of yourself to this person, without even realizing it.

And since I'm a girl, I wonder away into my head full of tangets and what if's and maybes, and wonder what for the future will it bring. Will he fade away into memory if/when we break up? How will I reflect and recall? I don't know why I do that. Think backwards....considering the day we will break up, even though at this point in time...unthinkable.

Every person is just a break in time, a small influence (or big) that throws your path into a different direction. And with each decision I make I can't consider if it was right or wrong, because it just is...taking me somewhere, and I deal with it.

Self-esteem. My social psychology class has me analzying the social ("ness"?) of everything around me (and do i really need to think more than I already do now?). My breath catches everytime I think too "deeply" about who I am as Aglaia. I can break myself down to the finest details of "I don't know" because I don't know who I am at all.

I'm this girl...I'm just going, and knowing and loving, and exploring and seeing and touching. But do I have talents, do I have knowledge, do I have worth? What's me, what's my point? I can't let grades define who I am, but I need to first decide what intelligence means and is worth to me. I know I like to learn, and discover. Maybe it's not calculations of mathmatics or espanol and the swirl of another language. Maybe I haven't discovered it yet, and I need to let it be, that maybe that's just how it is.

But do you know how hard it is, to feel so helpless? When everyone around you is chasing after their goals, and you're just there.....what am I supposed to be doing right now in my life?

And God, I wish you would show me or tell me, because I'm lost. (And i'm crying right now.)

And I'm crying everyday, and our conversations seem to repeat themselves when I talk to you. Because I want my spirit to be happy in the body that its in. How can I feel complete, how can I feel I'm progressing...towards something? And I look at Jeff and he has this fantastic artistic talent, and it's not so much jealousy, but this hopelessness...like when the hell do I get my talent? When does it get revealed, when I can I go after something?

Did you already show me, God, did you already whisper it in my ear, did I already pass it by? And it's beginning to be disgusting...to myself, the way I complain inside my head about it. Because I....I want something. I just want something,

..and I don't know what it is.