8 May 2000, Monday

Vertical Horizon ain't bad either.

They have this song--track four--called the Best I Ever Had, and I really love it. I wish they would play it on the radio.

I have a headache. I have pimples. I have canker sores.

I would desperately like to know what I am unconsciously stressing about that is causing all these unfortunate side-effects. The problem with all three is they just add to the top of whatever is bothering me. Nothing can ruin a day like a hard pounding-never-ending headache. Or how about acne...all over you face, all over you chest, all over you back. I'm so embarressed. I have good, clean, skin.

Really.

Acne takes over my life. I don't know what's going on that it's so bad, because it seems like quite a late age,19, to blossom into this pit of greasyness and such. Quite depressing. And it's hella hot here, and I'm dying to put my hair up, but for the safety of those who might sit behind me, I'm keeping it down. (No need for them to stare at my "backne" all class long.)

My weekend sucked. Basically. My sister is utterly depressed. I'm sure it's a toppling of things. Graduating from an incredibly hard business school, only to decide it's not what she wants to do. Friends leaving. Boyfriend hasn't called. I actually believe it's the latter point that's doing it.

We're not close at all. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to comfort her, give her some words of encouragement, but I was basically speechless. She's strong, she'll get through it, I know it.

Afterhours tonight at Sigma Chi. Why did I make that stupid "yeah let's be wild Heidi! Party everynight of the week!" remark?

I will now be attending an afterhours (or post midnight party) everyday of the week this week. Nevermind the fact that I have an 8:30 class in the morning, nor that (gasp) what's a girl gonna wear to a whole weeks worth of festivities, when the week following is Greek Week, and you'll have to do it all over again. I figure, hey, test your limits. Raise some money for kids for cancer. My attendance is only helping someone.

Just not me, obviously.

I can't wait to see my honey. Dear ol' Chris. I must say arms and touch are the best part of being with someone.

Do you ever get this impulse to just touch someone? It could be a friend, an acquaintance, anyone really, and you just want to touch them? From something innocent to something more. I love the sensation of touch. Feeling all the (I dunno, atoms? ;) transfering the hot/cold between the two. The pressure of your fingertips pressing into him, if bare, the light touch of open skin, light hair tickling underneath, the texture....

When you're with someone, it's like all of a sudden you have permission to act on all those impulses. It just feels absolutely wonderful. So the first thing I'm doing when I walk outside (hopefully next friday) and see him leaning/half sitting on that old bike rack, patiently waiting for me to show, basecap and abercrombie cargo's chillin' in the wind waiting, i'm going to take his hands, pull him close up to me, smell his scent, give him a quick kiss on the lips, and bring him close and just hold him. :)

I think I might bring him to my house to meet my family. Not just my family but the family. We're talking extended here. (For my sis's graduation party). I figure hey, it's actually kind of perfect. Get it all done in one big swipe. ;) There'll be food, and lots of people, so we won't get stuck talking to my parents, on any "have to" basis (if it gets awkward, just say, "ahh, I'm gonna go get some chip dip!") Hehe.

Not that it would get awkward. Chris is so completely social, he'd probably carry a convo just fine with the 'rents. C'mon, his job is to sell people to his company. Gotta keep the peeps interest and chit-chat, ya know? I figure he'll go, but I haven't asked him yet.

Sometimes I wonder if Chris will have this huge turn-about all of a sudden. Like with Nicole's man (my sister). She was so upset because he just started acting so not....like him. What if Chris would do that? I think, I am still individually motivated, I still rely on ME. And I really enjoy Chris and what he has to offer me, but I still feel like I'm strong, and in the center with myself.

I wonder if it's good, because he could just stop talking to me suddenly--and no doubt I would think it would be strange and such--but I think....I would get over it... rather quickly. I don't know, if inside I would be crushed, and I just push it away and don't deal with it. Or if I can just accept it as another experience that happened, and I must move on. Or of course, back to always keeping it to myself, maybe I don't share with anyone enough of me, that it feels like I've left myself vulnerable.

I sort of think, that, that will be love for me. Being vulnerable. But then I think, why does it have to be like that? Because should it? And what about caring? If you care about someone, how can you let them go so easily? Do I really care for anyone? Can you let yourself care, without letting it take you too far with them? And how do you care? Sometimes I feel inhuman.

Speaking of the H-word, or, ahem Humanity, it reminds me of Greg Egans, Distress. He always said "h-word" instead of humanity. It was a sci-fi book, and I really can't recall who recommended it to me, but somewhere along the line, I actually went to the library and picked it up. Even more astonishingly--I read it. (And all just using those quick ten minutes before class, I amaze myself really :) Anyway, it was actually, ultimately a very spiritual book, I definitly recommend it. Really interesting.

It was sort of going along with freak-science, and what makes you human and such. It also hit the ultime TOE--or "Theory of Everything". Just reading the paragraphs of ultimate discovery, it was so awe-inspiring, just amazing. It reminded me of this book by Christopher Pike that I read like in (hmm, middle school?) but eventually this guy just went to the total end, and usually when you hit it, you couldn't handle the information and you committed suicide, but there was one guy who reached it, understood it, and accepted it, but his whole life was different.

Everything was enhanced to these crazy levels. Like really eating. Tasting, smelling, feeling it across you tongue, your teeth moving, swallowing, down your throat, slide by slide, down into the depths of your stomach, to all of the processes, feeling it breaking apart, and nutrients fed. Wild, huh? And everything was like that. Well, same thing sort of happened when the TOE was brought forth. Except it was a world-wise proportions. Once discovered, and read and opened up...it took everyone in the world with it. Oops, did I just ruin that for you? Haha, um, okay, well still read it.

It's hot here like fried potatoes on the grill. Hehe, do you fry potatoes? I like to say, under my breath--sort of the way people casually may say "shit" when they mess up--anyway, I say "f*ck me with a _____" It's always an interesting moment. What will she say, what will it be?" And I don't plan it, basically the first word that randomly jumps into my mouth is what comes out. I think "lollypop" has been my favorite ;) "Pogostick" also an odd pick. I said "pancake" last night, which I found to be an interesting choice. But anyway, I don't know why I told you that, haha!

I just adore my acting partner. We have "good times" together, just laughing and such. It's nice to be so relaxed and silly with someone you just met and not worry about fronts and masks. Not that I ever really hide for that long.

I think I like my "sister" Heidi, cuz she laughs at my jokes. She just pleasantly laughs. Genuine mind you. Everything, she loves. :) Now I know why K loves me so, cuz I laugh at everything she says. She's really not a funny person, but I still laugh. Not politely, I just laugh, it comes out of me, and I really enjoy it. And later I think about her jokes, like, "hmm, that really wasn't funny, what's wrong with me!?" But yeah, whatever. :)

10:00 and I'm ready to go to bed. I wish I didn't have to go to this afterhours. I mean I know, I don't have to go just, I.....I'm a good girl who doesn't go out on weekdays, and definitly not a Monday. I hope jean shorts and a tank is good enough for them, cuz that's all they get.

Peace out.