So it's last weekend in Tampa and I keep checking my email or my phone to see if I've missed a response to my email.

Nothing.

The next morning I fly home really early. I simply try to not even think about the email because if I do I begin to get queasy about its consequences. I arrive home and I'm standing outside our apartment door. I'm just staring at the door wondering what will happen once I cross its threshold. I'm listening to my heart pound knowing that my life will change once this really happens and that the time has come.

I enter and he's still asleep. I put my stuff away and do another quick breather in the bathroom before going into our bedroom. I crawl into bed and wrap myself into a tight cradle beside him. I'm not sure if he'll pull away or what his response will be. At this point I'm not sure if he's even read my message. So I hold him and...softly cry. So quietly I don't even have the rumble in my chest or the shaking of my head. Simple, silent tears roll down my cheeks as I hold him.

He doesn't move or say anything and finally I am able to relax enough to fall asleep like that. Later on he rolls over says hello with a smile and kisses me. I think that perhaps he has not read the email. Part of me is relieved by that and the other is frightened as I will now have to begin the conversation with no prepping.

I cannot let him read the email after-the-fact.

We sleep in for another couple of hours. I'm trying to will myself to say something to him. It's so comfortable in our bed with us just lying there together but of course I don't say anything. We get up and he suggests we watch a movie together. Normally I'm always trying to escape on our weekends to get errands done but this time I agree. We watch in comfort but as it nears its end I know I have to bring it up.

The credits roll and we're both sitting on the couch not looking at each other. I'm trying not to make eye contact as I work out some potential conversation starters when he mumbles, "So, is it still bothering you? Would you like to talk?"

Lol, I would have liked to see my face when I turned to him. I'm not sure if I hid my reaction or not. I couldn't believe he had read my email and didn't say anything the entire morning! So, I said yes and he started. (thank goodness).

He started with his initial reaction, the reading and re-reading of the letter (looking for the words he most feared, "I don't like you anymore." He told me he didn't know who to call (due to the nature of the email, which focused heavily on our lack of intimacy) and he said he actually called his mom. (Great, now everyone knows that I don't have sex!)

No, I thought that was sweet that he felt comfortable enough calling his mom for advice, although, I don't know what she could tell him. She's always been his sounding board when he's riled up about something.

Finally, he went on to say that yes, he wishes we had more sex and that without sex he doesn't feel connected to me the same way and so on. BUT, he feels that we are so good in every other area and that if it means giving up sex (not necessarily completely but at least, accepting or acknowledging it's not going to be frequent) would be okay with him. AND, if I think it would help he would also go to couples counseling with me.

WHAT?! Jeff in counseling is....really pretty ridiculous. I mean, I think most guys would revolt against the idea and that's really beyond sweet and thoughtful that he would even bring it up as a potential solution but really....I don't think he would go. Or if he would....I mean, no way. I don't think I would want to do that with. He thinks everything like that is a joke. I'm always reading all these books and articles where I find interesting ideas on conversation starters to learn about your partner's dreams and interests and Jeff will never play along.

I read the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich" and one of the key ideas was building your "dream baskets." When I tried to sit down with Jeff so we could map out some of our short and long term dreams (financial and otherwise) he thought the entire thing was a joke. The furthest we ever got was he now calls my breasts his "dream baskets" and....la la la, they're still called that to the day.

So to imagine Jeff getting all in touch with his feelings and our relationship and seeing where it's really going through a couple's counseling class seems so goofy to me. I think that's really nice that he brought it up and perhaps if I thought we were in the type of situation where counseling through some issues would help....hey, maybe I'd even try to get him to go. But, at this point, I just think I'm ready to be out of a relationship.

I want my own room, my own space and I don't want to have to worry about what he's doing or what I'm doing or what he's thinking and so on. I know I over-analyze things and that probably 70% of my worries are imagined but they are still very real to me. I need to get right with myself before I can move on in any relationship. I'm really desperate for that quiet time and I think it will be good for me to not be in a relationship.

I want to work on just finding my peace at work, finding my place in the community and hopefully develop some meaningful friendships. Living without Jeff in my life will be difficult but I think I am actually rather dependent and part of that is aching to break free.

But, back to our conversation, I then took my turn. I told him where I was and expanded a bit on my email. Ultimately, though, I took his lead which was "I know it's not great but we can work through this" even though I don't think that's true. I didn't know what to say when he's saying he doesn't care if we don't have sex.

Well, one, I know that's not true and two maybe *I* can't live in a relationship without sex. I mean, yes, that's what we've been doing but it's not how I want to be. I understand that sexual activity will ebb and flow. I understand that as two people are together they probably will have less sex overtime. But I'm beyond decreased interest. I DON'T want to have sex with him and I don't even want him to touch me. I'm really disappointed with myself for not pushing the conversation but I didn't and now it's over.

I told him not to expect a change overnight. I told him I would try but I still wasn't confident that this was an issue I could overcome. That was about as best I could muster for an opening to round two of this conversation. So we hugged and went on with our day.

It really wasn't a big conversation or a long one. He acted so relaxed the entire time and I felt upside down on my side. I'm curious to know how he really felt when he read my email. I felt like I was saying �I don�t love you anymore�that way� �although, I was never that blunt. But, maybe I was too vague.

Or, maybe he didn't want to see what I was trying to say.

Haha, or maybe it's my response when he asks do you still like me and I'm running and jumping so fast to say "yes, things are great!" that he might possibly be missing everything in between. I know I'm not doing this the right way. I'm so scared and cowardly and really disappointed in how I'm handling this. I'm also exhausted from worrying about it. It�s in my nature to be a �people pleaser� and this is killing me knowing I�m going to have to say �no� and be very clear about it. Excuses won�t work and blaming our demise on other things is not going to work. He�s going to continue to say �that�s okay, we can work through that� until I say no�.this isn�t something you can work through.

Heidi came in this weekend. I told her that she CANNOT let me sign another lease with Jeff. Now I'm concerned that I could get away with a "well, I'll sign the lease and since it'll be for a full year we'll be able to find someone to sublet or take over...."

Oh, Diaryland, please do not let me rationalize my way to that point. Really, we should be getting a letter in the next couple of weeks from our landlord that they need our decision regarding signing a new lease. It's officially up in March but we have the place through April.

At some point here, yes, in the next couple of weeks I will need to have this wrap-up conversation. I don't want it to get to the point where I'm just annoyed and frustrated but I kind of think it might go that way. Jeff was grabbing at me last night and I just wanted to roll over and tell him to leave me alone.

I mean, leave my dreambaskets alone for one second already........

Our friend from Argentina is also in town this weekend and for the rest of the week. Both Jeff and I were really excited to have him but also concerned with what we were going to do with him for the entire week. He really is so sweet and cute. It's been fun to see him but I don't have too many things in common with him to discuss.

I think part of me is just totally wrapped up in the fact that he is foreign and has an accent. I am always so amazed with people that know more than one language. He's not quite fluent but has a really good grasp on English. Enough so that he's not always opening up a spanish-to-english book or anything. Luckily, he doesn't seem to be a picky eater and has liked (ha, or at least ate) everything we've had so far.