29 October 2000

Not to project or anything, but what would happen if say Jeff and I just date all the way through college. He's already told me he's going to have to be here for five years (because he started in the design program late). His five would equal my hopeful four.

But just imagine.

Well, I can't.

Can I tell you dear diary, that I think I love him? Or I know that I do?

Of course, society pressures (movies, media, christian brainwash and such...) as well as my tinkering with the CWG series (and then swirl in personal whatevers) it's hard to decide what love is.

Growing up I had the typical romantic idea of love. It felt a lot like a huge crush (giddy) with that all over knowing that this was the person for you, that you clicked as best friends, and making love was some fiery passionate something or other...

But is that true? Is that a movie moment, a creation, a hopeful imagination?

It seems to have some basis of...sincerity to it. But...even I, with knowing that's what I thought true love was, I fell victim to a fifth grade crush that left me brimming with depression, because I "loved" this boy, Isaac. I read in my written diary during the time, and I truly thought I was in love, the real love with this boy.

Forget that I mentioned something about passionate sweet nothings, and something of a best friend relationship. I didn't know this kid at all. I knew he was hotter than hell though ;) really smart, killer smile, great at athletics, and big $$. Hey, i'm a fifth grader, I knew what to go after, j/k.

But I didn't even know him. I was swept away with this...naivety. This wonderful naiveness, that I wish someone, well, no...I was going to say I wish someone could have prepared me for it. But I guess you can't prepare for that. I think everyone needs to have one of those down to earth crashing crushes. Teaches you about life. That it doesn't work...., well yeah it just doesn't work (like you think it should, or how you wish it would...it just doesn't.)

I guess, though, that it hurts. It hurts, to think you love someone. Or it hurts to think that you want to get to know someone and they don't want anything to do with you. Now Isaac....I don't think he even knew. I mean, he knew who I was...we were probably "hi/hello" friends, and at least I existed at some level with a name and not just a face, but seriously, I was so damn quiet and shy in elementary school, I'm sure I was just an extra to everyone's lives in that period of time.

But I find, as I'm in relationships there will be this point where I'll stop and wonder in awe if, "I'm in love?" And then quickly I usually think, "nah...". But I still have trouble definining it.

A complete comitment to getting real and giving unconditionally. That's what youth group taught me at church.

Another good base but what does it mean anyway?

I think a lot about this guy, god, I can't even remember his name now, but he was an "internet guy" waaaay too old to be talking to a young girl like me, but he had such beautiful philosophies about life, he amazed me. And we talked for awhile, before finally our emails became fewer and fewer. But I remember him once saying that he loved me. (And I of course freaked out until I read on to the next line...)

He basically was saying that he *could* love me, or anyway, or AND everyone, because love....was about respecting the person. Respecting every aspect of who that person is. The way they think, the way they act, their abilities, their knowledge....

I thought that was such a beautiful way of thinking about it, because then you realize how easily it really is to love. Now add in CWG...God was saying how our western society (or perhaps many others as well) base the idea of love on need.

Do I need him? I love him. I need him. I love him. I love her, I need her. Need=love.

But it doesn't. Or at least according to "God" it doesn't ;)

And I was thinking about how true that was. That that's the way we think. So you instantly wonder do I need this person. Does s/he need me? I love them.

I'm always talking about disconnection, but here it is so ultimate. I don't need him. I don't need him to tell me he loves me, or to "lavalier" me (it's a greek thing ;) because it's not about this need for it to be reciprocated. So do I respect Jeff?

How about I change that earlier statment to that I'm falling in love with him? Definitly in the process. It twinges on giddiness at times, but it also feels....real. It just feels so good, you know diary? Right.

Peeps I need some major reconstruction over here. I am desperately wanting some rejuvenation. WHO wants to be the super cool person to re-design this diary layout? Any ideas and/or html-skills worthy people please tell me here.

If it helps to get the ideas going....aglaia is a name from Greek Mythology. I've got two sis's and together we personify the arts and such. So we're emblems of creation and imagination. :)

P.S. here's a shout-out to a fab techno group psychobabble, and the *first* to sign my new guestbook. Hope you get lots of hits babe! ;)