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Feeling Aimless
08 June 2010
I'm in a weird place. My life is really good right now and I should be happy and I suppose in an abstract way that I am but I still feel so aimless. I'm concerned. That desire to just check out. Take a vacation from myself, from others, from life. I just feel restless and pointless. I hate feeling so whiny when so many good things are going on in my life. But it doesn't change my restlessness. I'm not sure what I need or what I want. I feel...I guess, I just feel equally bored and overwhelmed with life. I really do wonder if antidepressants would work for me. I don't understand how or why I seem to go up and down, up and down constantly and when things go dark it feels really dark. I feel myself slipping away. I know my work situation isn't helping but I feel apathetic in trying to do anything about it. Here I am, promoted into a position that makes me look really good. Not just on paper but I am contributing financially in a very obvious way to the company bottom line and contributing nicely. I am making a positive impression on the CEO, I have key persons in our association who now know me and respect me yet...I don't like my work. I am making very good money --and yes, I do like that, but I'm not getting to work on the things that really interest me. Internally I feel like I'm floundering. I can't stop sighing....all day, all nigh, sigh, sigh, sigh. I just don't want to be doing this and it's hard to keep up the mental energy to persevere and continue to do good work...work that I can feel proud of but it's hard when I don't enjoy it. I am struggling to push through and make a difference and find the little things that make me successful because there is satisfaction in that but in the meantime there's a lot, a lot of work that I really drag my feet on and it's making me inefficient.
It's hard, because, I'm in an office that is doing really well financially so business is good when so many others are struggling. We have the money and resources to do a lot of things that I take for granted and I know if I would go elsewhere I would lose out on such a great work life. Our benefits package is excellent and there are so many miscellaneous perks that add to why I like my organization.
Unfortunately, they've moved me into this position that I just don't like. My old position is gone and I don't see room to move back into what I really want to be doing. There is no job. So my only choice is to leave. It's hard to motivate myself to do that though when so many things are good. I think it's probably the right thing to do but it comes with a lot of risk. I know a new or different job would be very stressful at first. I would be miserable while I adjusted. It's a lot of work for a "maybe". Maybe I'll be happier. Or maybe not. I've only been in this current position for six months. I now have all this experience in an area that has a lot of potential/growth but it's not what I want to be doing so in a way it's moving me even further away from the real position I want. I think, I've been trying to see if there's anyway I can enjoy this type of work because it is a good place to be in career wise (if I wanted this). Having this experience is awesome and would help me get all sorts of jobs, yet...if they aren't the jobs I want then what is the benefit? Of course, I know what I need to do it's just hard to really do it. Especially since there aren't a lot of jobs out there right now.
A look back in history...
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