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Talking about D & R and my sorority house.

23 February 2000


I have carpel tunnel.


A minor case, i'm sure. It just means I need to stay off the computer. Maybe it means I shouldn't have screwed around all day and I should have been flipping pages from my reading, not pointing and clicking. My right wrist aches so bad. I've had this happen once. But it was a long time ago. I think I was talking with like five or six people over AIM and because i was typing so fast, and for so long, with all of them, i just developed the worst case. My wrists, my joints, oh my god, i was useless for the next day didn't dare get on. It was pretty bad. But I'm stupid and I'm on here, cuz i haven't screwed the left wrist. Yep, if only I could type with just my left hand that would be cool.


Did you know that stewardess is the longest word you can type with your left hand? Go ahead, try it. :)


I've had a bad week. Actually, it really hasn't been that bad. I've just....it's kind of the wind down of the quarter, and that "blah" has hit, and I know in my head there are a bunch of things i have to do, and basically I don't feel like dealing with them, and so intead I'll either sleep or fool around on the 'net and basically avoid everything that I need to do. Of course avoiding doesn't make it better...if anything it probably exacerbates the situation because i need to get on top of things...not behind.


I don't think I'm behind, not yet. Of course, it's hard to tell....i haven't done any of my reading for the week. And I love making to-do lists. I haven't even erased last weeks to-do list...which, ahem, really never even got completely crossed off. Ah, not like it matters, the only section i didn't read was for a class I already took the mid-term in.



I guess the biggest reason for my mood other than school getting old, and the weather getting nicer, is that I've been in a lot of conflict. I guess I've made up my mind. I'm going to live in my sorority house, and basically be a terrible, shady friend, and drop out on the girls i was going to get an apartment with. I just hope that they forgive me, and understand that if they were in my position, they would take it. And I know they would. I hope we can still be friends, I think they're pretty cool girls, I just...I think the house would benefit me in so many more ways.


But enough of that, i've been back and forth, and no point of writing it here, i've talked enough with my friends, that i've made my decision...and now i just have to do the hard part and tell my "would-have-been-roomies."



Me and D had such a good bonding talk. I can't help but think about him now. I've come so far, wasn't gonna be a playa anymore. I mean I think me and D really could have something, and probably something really good. I just, I think I have to explore my options for awhile. I feel like if I settle for D it really would be settling. Even if long-range D would be the best for me, I just think, I need to try dating other people. In the meantime, I should definitly just build our friendship. I still want him to be in my life. We haven't really hung out at all this quarter, and while that's sort of good (we kind of ended up making out whenever we were together) I want him to be a friend. And it's so cool that he can open up to me.


I mean how many times in your life do you get a boy to reveal his innermost insecurities and fears. I was impressed he would even admit he had insecurities. He really surprised me when he told me how shy he really is, because he always acts so confident and sure of himself. Maybe even a little too sure of himself ;) Which I guess is just part of the whole show to hide how self-conscious he really is.


D is totally missing out on a world of love. He's completely confused and been brainwashed to see this vengeful God, he's been dissed by his dad, and surely he has abandonment issues, as well as his mom, who is kind of....well i think after losing one man in her life, she really didn't want to lose her boys. But i think by being overprotective that just breeds a boy wanting to rebel.


And if D is hurting, then I want to be someone he can talk to, someone he can run to, because I think a past between someone, is just the place to build from. Also with D, before we could ever date, before i would ever even seriously consider it, i would have to tell him where i stand with Christianity. I don't think he knows. And even though it seems silly, because no matter how much he may think he's a Christian in his head...he definitly does not act like one. Which really puts me in a hard place. If it is his choice to be a Christian, then i would want to be someone who led him to lead a more Christianly life...I can't do that. I don't want to do that. Not that I want to be all immoral and such, I just wouldn't feel comfortable being that girl, he would later have to convict himself of. I want it out in the open where I stand, what I believe and all that good stuff.


If I have learned anything from dating Christians, it is...they kind of suck. Okay, j/k, but I mean I want to be with people who are into God...which usually equals a Christian. And I don't even date "good" Christians, but for some reason, they're trying to get some feels in, and then later they're all like "wow, i shouldn't have done that yadda yadda." So either I'm being the prude, or I'm being the sinner, and no more of that. It doesn't mean I have to have sex, i'm proud of my virginity (as much of a technical virgin I can be ;) and if I wait for love, I wait for marriage, that's awesome.


I'm just not sure that's how it's going to happen. :)


So then enters R. What am I to do about us? We better go out on Friday, I really want to have that "talk." Or something. I mean it should kind of be fun really. We've never ever really said anything about "us." It's like from the beginning we were obviously flirting and "courting" or whatever you want to call it. But we never came right out and said anything like that. From the beginning we were kind of doing "dates" that actually....friends could just go do as well. Then again friends, don't usually kiss, but whatever. ;)


And especially with kissing. I mean I would like to kiss him more. ;) But I want to know my guidelines, but I don't want to turn into another lip slut, I'd rather just be in a dating situation. Even if we aren't exclusive, I would feel a lot more comfortable just calling him even, if we got some of the "us" issues out in the air. We're both playing this game with each other, and i know we like each other. We just have never said it. So friday it is, assuming we go out.



So weren't you just talking about D, Aglaia? Yeaaaah, I know, I'm terrible. And I keep thinking about being with him. We wouldn't even have to take it to a sexual level, just he has these incredible arms, and he makes you feel so good, and i can't help but just kind of want to sit in his arms.


But focus, i've got to stay on a path, choose, and go for it. So it's dash the apartment girls, but make sure they understand why, so you can still be friends....and ask R to be your boy, cuz it will be so CUTE, once it's finally on paper. Now, that's a fun one. A boyfriend, again. It's been almost 4 months. That's a fine time. Bye!



"Don't explain, never change, same old thing, same old game, say you want to be with me...."--Missy Elliot, All in My Grill.






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