14 May 2000

I have created a monster. That monster is I. My concerns are for me. My life fed for the Ego. I cry when my way is not won. I prance about as if my life is the most important to all. The center of the world revolves around my feelings, my sight, my goals.

I am selfish. I am hateful. I claim to be above you.

James, so carefully, but carelessly, tossed into the air that I am a worthless human being.

Worthless.

Worthless.

What good am I to humanity, when I myself, have throw the h-word away. Where is my humanity? Not in that definition. I have none. I'm secluded. I am alone. Rick was right. James is right. The world is right. I am wrong.

What is wrong? What is right? What is humanity? I'm cold. I pretend to love you. I don't. I pretend to care for you. I don't. I pretend to think your opinion matters. I pretend to listen. I pretend to learn. I've stopped. When did it happen. Where did I go. Was there ever a me? I'm nobody. I'm an imposter to humanity.

Cynthia was never the alien. Maybe it was me all along. It was me who was zipped into the air that holloween. Me who disappeared. My humanity sucked away. The gods who gave it, so quickly depleted it. Have I always been so selfish? Have I always been so self-righteous. Why do I pretend. I don't understand myself, I don't understand this person. Her thoughts, her feelings. Do I have feelings? Do I feel at all? What am I batteling, what am I struggling with?

Is there meaning? Am I forcing something that isn't there. Have I become the Brahman, and I the stream. Am I the pebble in the lake, am I making ripples? Who am I touching, who am I poisoning, what am I doing? What's going on. Who's listening. Who's hearing? Who's watching what I do. Not me. I don't care. You don't care. Don't care about me, I'll never be able to return the feeling. Because I'm nothing. Because I think I'm everything. Because I am.

It does. I think it all wraps around me. Is it a heightend self-awareness? Or is it a tumbling self-absorbtion?

And that's the question I ask myself. Day in and day out. Am I something better, or something worse? Am I growing or decaying, and I haven't a clue. I think I'm reaching a better side of myself, but am I? No one can tell me, but myself,and I second guess all my actions. Back and forth, back and forth. Society pushing itself on me, or me unacceptably pushing my desires on society. The ultimate disattachment or the biggest--

I always wanted Elliott to be my best guy friend, and we just had an awesome sharing moment on the phone. Oh, such namaste, thank you elliott. Lord, I feel like crying. I'm not so forgone. You know, he's right. I have to make some choices with my life. Sure, I can go on as I am, but maybe that's not the best of what I want. It's not about who I am, it's about who do I want to be. That's the best lesson learned from Conversations with God(it's a book), and I continue to forget but be reminded of it.

I am full of worth. I have influenced my friends. Been there for Holly, given a smile to shy kids, laughed with good friends, loved my brother. If I was sent to Vega I think Neil would be there.

I really don't know what will happen to me. I'm scared. I do have feelings. I just don't let myself feel them. It's easier that way. But it's not true. It's ignoring a side of myself. I don't think it's wrong. I really don't, it's just a way. Now, I must choose if it's the way I want to go. And you know what--if I continue to throw myself in opposite directions, obviously something is tugging on me to change.

Everything just spilled out to Elliott. It's the stuff relationships are made of. That's what I need to talk with to Chris about. I brought in old histories, recent stuff happening in my life. It's the deeper core of who makes up Aglaia. He needs to hear about it. I'm going to tell Chris what happened this week. I'm going to tell him why. I'm going to ask him where he wants us to go, and I'm really going to ask myself the same. Maybe I'll even let myself feel it. Maybe I'll get hurt, maybe i won't. Maybe I'll close myself up, and package me away, and it'll never really get solved, and I'll never really know, and maybe it'll get lost in the back of my mind and it won't matter anyway. Maybe I won't just forget, maybe I'll accept it. Maybe I'll embrace it. Whatever happens, it'll be good. We come together amidst a crisis. But we make the crisis. It doesn't have to be one. We'll see.