Aglaia | Click to view my profile.

Latest Entry Older Entries Old Journal (HS, Early College) Send E-Mail Aglaia's Survey Read/Sign Dreambook

Break up or breakthrough?

14 April 2006

Break Up, Part II

So he's just returned from wandering the streets and tossing and turning on our couch. He crawled into bed and we talked but mostly cried for awhile. I don't think either of us got much sleep.

The next day was (not surprisingly) difficult. But, I think I was in a different place. Sure my mind kept returning to the night before and everyhing that was ahead but he was in a completely different spot.

Finally, he IM's me and says we have to talk. He said he felt sick and couldn't eat and was leaving work. There I was sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my face. I promised him I would leave at noon to meet him so we could talk.

That afternoon, while awkward and emotionally exhausting, was really a breakthrough. We sat and talked there pretty much all afternoon into the early evening. Ultimately, we both agreed that we wanted to try to make things work. Or, at the very least, talk things through over the next few days to see what happens.

I didn't want to make a decision I would regret (staying or going) and of course, if it was possible, I would want nothing else than to be in love again and make 'us' work. I was brutally honest with him and told him that I didn't think I was in love with him the way I once was. That, while he may have reached a point where sex was no longer as important to him--that it was still important to me, and it wasn't just a lack of intimacy, it was an overall lack of desire.

He was wounded and crushed and it was awful to witness. We talked about everything. We talked about things we had hoped for and valued in our lives. We talked about us from every angle.

I don't think either of us knew what to think other than we were exhausted. I felt extremely close to him, though, more so than I had in a really long time. It had been a really long time since we had talked about anything meaninful.

We decided to take a nap as we were both exhausted. Although, by this point it was already early evening and really too late for napping. In bed, Jeff held me. We held each other and cried. We kissed. We grabbed at each other with fury and passion and desperation. I couldn't tell you the last time sex had been that interesting. I couldn't believe that I wanted to have sex with him but it was deeply satisfying. Whether it was the release of so many emotions, or finally feeling him and being close to him again....I don't know, but I didn't regret that we had done it.

Later I learned that he perhaps he did regret it. I never thought I would be the one pressing sex or that he was not feeling it but I don't think that's what he meant. I think, he just felt it was wrong, given the circumstances. I guess for me, it had been so long since I had felt anything at all that having sex felt more right than anything. It felt real and it felt good (emotional and otherwise).







The next couple of days we pretty much didn't do anything except go to work and come home and talk to each other. It really was an amazing experience spending so much intense time with him. I was also surprised with how much he opened up. Jeff is not a big talker and he pretty much talked while I listened. He confessed all these fears. Fear of failure, fear of everything. I guess I had never really seen the big picture but apparently he's felt..inferior most of his life.

He said he always doubts things and never thinks he's good enough and so on. I couldn't believe that his internal voice was throwing so many negative thoughts into his daily life. I knew he was hard on himself at work and with design in general but...not to this extent.

After these conversations we made love. And it really truly was that. My mind had been opened and filled and in kind my body responded. I was aroused in his presence and craved him with a passion I had forgotten. It felt so wonderful to feel my body....cooperate. More importantly, my mind was following suit as well.

Talking with him and spending so much time with him, good time, just sharing and learning and supporting...it was all the things I had been missing. We both cried --a lot. I saw him break down into the hard tears that shake your entire body and reach your soul. It hurt...so much, so incredibly much.

By week two we were up and down. Still spending most of our time talking to each other but also finding our way back into our old routine. But, not in a bad way, as in...just getting back to life.

We had agreed (or really, I simply told him) that I didn't think we should live together. It was a pretty heavy decision, especially seeing how we were going to continue trying and see if we could still work. But, I was feeling really pressured to somehow make up my mind if Jeff is what I wanted and if I was in love with him still in the matter of days. If we were going to live together we needed to find a place immediately. If we were going to live a part we both needed to find a place right then. Our current lease runs out at the end of April and we were simply running out of time.

I think that was a really hard decision for him to concede to but I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know if I was ruining any hope for our relationship to work by not living with him or if I was making the right choice for both of us. There could be some real benefits of having our own space. It will allow us some time apart to really figure out what's going on inside. It will break up the monotony of our lives, hopefully get us interacting with other people, and at least for me, hopefully find some other girlfriends to build a support group outside of Jeff.

But, it would mean a lot of separation when maybe what we both needed most was finding each other again. Jeff was spending his days at work brewing in his "what if's" and by the time he would come home he would be a mess.

His jaw started to really bother him. The pressure was forcing his jaw into a tight lock, so much so that it had began to affect his speech. Finally when he went to the doctor he was given axienty medicine with suggestions to see a therapist and possibly go on anti-depressants (sp?). He was upset about this news too.

I didn't think it was such a bad thing. Haha, probably because I've already thought plenty of times that I was depressed and out of it and maybe drugs or therapy would help. I think he was still wrapped up in the idea of "Oh no, I'm a headcase...." and I don't think he needs to feel that way at all. Our relationship...going through what we're going through is huge and it's understandable that something of this nature would be hard to take.

I'm rambling and I don't know where to go from here.







I guess I'll just start with now. I've seen Jeff in some really dark places over the last few days. A sadness so deep...that I recognize and it scares me. I know what it's like to be in that place and it's a terrible thing to experienc. There have been too many times where I wanted to be swallowed by tht misery, to fall into that black hole and never come back. It wasn't a desire to take me life or have my life ended...although it does carry the same scent...it's more like the overwhelming burden of life, that just makes you want to fall away and not experience it or anything at all ever again.

I am worried about him. It's sad because initially, not even considering depression, all I could think was.....wow, he's so weak and needy. It was almost pathetic and I feel shame saying it but I did feel kind of...I don't know...just, pull youself together already. We are in different places and I need to remember that.

I've had so much time to experience the initial shock and realization, to wallow in dispair, to be overwhelmed and confused and hurt and regretful and sad. I also had time to accept a reality of what it may be like for us to not be together. I was by no means 'cured' in any sense when I finally sat down to talk to him, but I had plenty of time before that conversation to work through a lot of emotions.

It's so hard to see him like that....it's hard to see anyone you love hurting. And all you want to do is rush in and say all the right things and make all that pain go away. I'm concerned I may have crushed him in a way that he may not be able to fully recover from. His doubts and fear of....trying to make us work, only to be let down again...I don't think he can deal with a reality that may include going through all of this again.

He admitted that he wants to hear me say 'I love you.' That he wants me to accept his proposal. That he wants me to throw out my newly signed lease and come live with him again. And on and on...

He's also said that he knows it's not fair for him to share these wants. That he doesn't want to pressure me or rush things or force me into a position where I say or do things to appease him and not because it's what I really want.

These conversations are hard but they've also been very good too. There's been such an increased awareness between us about making the time and effort to ask each other how we are doing. To talk about what's going on in our lives and to be completely honest and open about everything, simply to have it out there so neither of us have a chance to have things internalized in a bad way.

I've told him where I am and my own doubts. I can tell him what I want and that I am encouraged and hopeful but that is all I can give right now. So much has gone on between us these last two weeks and ultimately I think it's been really good.

It's a cliche but there's a feeling of real hope that we've taken "one step back to go two steps forward." I think, if we can get everything else on track and keep what we're doing right now we'll be stronger and better in the long run.







So where am I right now?

My mind has taken a complete turn about. I feel close to him again, i feel really hopeful about our future and our relationship. I'm actually excited about seeing him and spending time with him and, oh so telling, my body is responding in the right ways too. I think we may actually work!

My biggest struggle is managing all the negative, destructive thoughts I've been holding on to and reconciling them with what I'm experiencing now. I also don't want to rush in and make nice because that's the easy or comfortable thing to do. I want to leave the whole marriage thing out of it for right now. I want to just take it slow, enjoy getting to know him again and enjoying us again and hopefully things will progress in the right direction in a good and positive way.

I'm worried about living apart. I'm going to miss him so much and right now for me--I don't need space from him. If anything, I want more of him because we really haven't been connecting for so long. I'm concerned his "lite" depression and axienty will get worse and there won't be anything I can do.

There's a part of me that thinks it may be good and healthy to just break up, take some time a part, maybe date other people and re-evaluate things. Then there's that part of me that's so scared that breaking up or taking real space apart would automatically mean the end of us with no room to see if it could actually work.

Also, the way I'm feeling right now, I don't want to date other people. Really, all I want to do is hold Jeff and work on us. I want to keep enjoying our renewed quality time and rediscover all those things I loved about us and him.

Just so much has been discussed I wish I could share it here all. We talked about children (he said he talked a lot with his mom about this and before he bought the ring...he had decided that ultimately when he could look at the bigger picture of our relationship he did want have to a family and he could see us raising children...just not yet). I mean that's huge!

We've talked about our personal passions and lifestyles and just so many things and it has been really good.

Well, that's enough for now.






Hosted by Diaryland

Sign the Guestbook (Site is down)

Sign the NEW Guestbook

Random Entry Generator

Aglaia's Diaryland Picks

Template by Marty