I think I need to see a doctor. I feel like I'm a head case. I feel bad constantly. It's so up and down it has to be chemically or hormonally wrong. If I could just take something and feel normal it would be such a relief.
Especially around my period. I get so dark and so depressed. I'm crying on demand and my patience is so incredibly thin and any little obstacle is enough to make me scream in frustration.
I don't want to feel like this. I shouldn't have to feel like this. What do I do? Now I'm scared to even call a doctor. I don't have a regular physician or really, I don't have any medical relationship established in Chicago. What's it going to look like when I call up a regular physician and then dump my whole history in one sitting? Please fix me.
I've recognized that I have disordered eating before. I knew I also went on binges (no purging) but I didn't exactly think I had an eating disorder. But it's gotten to the point where I've gained a lot of weight. I'm at my heaviest which just makes my depression and self-esteem all the more lower. Then dealing with Jeff and my disatisfaction, and add that to my overworked, overstressed job life....
I'm a mess and I realize that. When it comes to eating...I just can't stop. I've tried and it consumes me and I hate it. And all Jeff can say is, "well, don't eat so much." or "don't eat in between meals." and it's like it makes sense and I know, but it's like I can't control myself. Something just overcomes me and I know I'm out-of-control and I hate the feeling.
I started watching the show 'Starved' on FX and when the main guy eats his chocolate cake, when he goes on his binge it's like...that feeling --I know that feeling. I know the disgusting way you feel about yourself and the way you are in a frenzy trying to get that food into you and not being able to stop. I have a problem and I need help. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. I think I am a compulsive over-eater. Not only do I fight the urge to NOT eat constantly...as in a slow, steady stream of food all day long, I also have periods of time where I get the idea of eating, and it's this creepy thing that comes over you.
It's like that sad, dark part of you just sticks a knife in and urges, "go." And I want to say no and I try and I fight it in my head and then if I succumb...I don't just binge on one thing (i.e. eating a whole pizza). My "episodes" are very frantic. I'll just eat one of everything in my house. It might be something traditional like a bowl of ice cream....but often it's whatever I can get my hands on from a salad to a slice of deli meat, a bag of popcorn... and when I know I've truly gone too far...sometimes just plain pieces of bread. And I'll eat it all very quickly, often to the point where my stomach hurts. It's gross and shameful.
If I confess to Jeff I think I have an addiction. A real problem I'm sure he'll just sigh and laugh it off...as he does most of my other concerns about my body. I want to tell my mom but...I don't want to be judged even by her. And my mom...she's really overweight. If anyone would understand emotional eating, it would be her. But, I don't want to be like that.
I know it's superficial but I'm supposed to be that really pretty, tall, slender blonde. That's who I've been all my life and now that I'm losing control and so sad it's awful and I feel so bad about myself and my body.
