21 October 2001

Ok. So I went camping on Friday. The night got off to a slow start (didn't even set up camp until 8:30) but eventually everyone showed up and that was cool. Definitly found a new awesome drink called "cheesecake". It's made up of half vanilla vodka and half cranberry--I can't *stand* cranberry juice....and I don't even like cheesecake. But, it really does taste like cheesecake, and it's soo good. You can't taste any alcohol, it's pretty crazy.

So I managed to get down two of those, a spiced rum/hot cider concoction and part of a rasberry vodka/sprite mix.

Of course, this is the point that I decide to take a hay ride. Not a good idea. First of all, it's like all the alcohol hits me at once, and then you've got to include motion to it all. Bleh, I wasn't feeling so sweet. So I basically munched on hay, with eyes shut and body probably barely sustaining a vertical position while sitting until we were almost back at camp. At that point we had stopped for (uh, who knows?) and I knew that I was pretty close to being sick, so Jeff told me to hop out and we walked the rest back. Good idea.

Definitly better to be moving around and such. It's when you stop and let your body feel everything that it gets bad. Go back, sit around the fire and drink some water. Decide I'm pretty much out of it and want to go to bed. I think Jeff was getting second thoughts, and didn't want me to just colapse in bed (cuz what's the fun of that?)

So I told him, i was just tired and I wouldn't get sick and he should join me later. Not much longer he came inside the tent. I pretty much slept pretty hard until (I don't know 4am?) in which I took a bathroom break, and then made-out/napped for another few hours. ;) Left around 8am, and drove back.

Covered in mud. My car is so gross right now.

Flash Back a few hours to 5:30pm Friday and I'm driving to Target so Jeff can buy a tent. I'm driving (but Jeff is really "passenger driving") our way there. We come up to an intersection and he tells me to take a left at the light. I see that I'm not supposed to take left's between 4-6pm and ask if I'm allowed to take a left, and he says yes (not realizing we were in the hours) so we're kind of talking about that when a cop paddy wagon pulls up coming the opp. direction across the traffic. He tells me I'm not allowed to make left hand turns during the hours. So I say okay, and he drives away and there I am half-way in the intersection and the light has turned red in the meantime.

I guess I wasn't thinking...so I took a left hand turn. In my mind I was already in the intersection and the light was red, which is why I did it. Had it still been green, I would have just drove straight. I figured since I was already in the middle of traffic, and everything was stopped for me anyway...i just would go left.

So, I could probably keep arguing my mind-thought, but y'll know what's coming. Somehow this paddy wagon found me a few blocks down (and on campus w/ all the one ways and what not) I can't believe how fast they found me (we were going in opposite directions), but he pulls up to me again beside me and the other cop now is talking, and he's telling me I really shouldn't have done that and to pull into the next parking lot on the right. (oh shit.)

I've never gotten a ticket before. I probably deserve one, I'm a pretty bad driver. Not on purpose, I'm just...I don't know, I suck. I almost take rules to..another extreme. Like I try to be such a good driver that i'm bad. I know that doesn't make sense, but there it is. And the fact that I *knew* I shouldn't make the turn, but had attempted to anyway (before the cop stopped me) was my own dumb fault. I have a brain, I didn't need to just mindlessly follow Jeff's direction.

So they take my registration and what not. And I start crying in the car. I knew I would. I basically cry...at almost anything. I'm just emotionally sensitive about everything. If I'm frustrated/angry/sad/confused/afraid yadda yadda, I react by crying, I just don't know how to deal with strong emotions anyway else. And sitting there waiting for my verdict I knew logically that yeah, getting a ticket sucked, but oh well, you know? But I couldn't help, but start crying.

And when I got out of the car to go talk to the cop and he told me everything, I was just balling. I think *he* felt really uncomfortable, cuz he wouldn't look me in the face. I'm sure he's seen it a million times before. I just felt so...guilty and bad. I felt like he thought I was some punk college kid who thought I could get away with anything. And the fact is, is that I'm *such* a good kid, getting in trouble was just killing me inside.

And he made it nice and clear that disobeying a cop was major bad news. I guess I should be happy they weren't in a pissy mood, cuz he told me that I should be punished for making the illegal turn PLUS 1000 dollar fine and jail time for ignoring a cop's orders. Great, huh? Could you imagine, if I had been sent to jail?

So at this point, I'm shaking and crying, and just want him to say his piece and get out of there. I get back in the car, and I'm an even bigger mess...I start *hyperventilating* (sp?) Oh man, I haven't done that in so long, I'm thinking elementary school. I mean i've "hyperventilated" since then, but not, out-right, I really can't breathe, I'm getting light-headed, might faint. I wished I had a paper bag to breathe into. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, and, oh, it was so bad. And I'm sure Jeff was just "woah." Because, even I knew I was over-reacting, I just needed some "me" time, and I wish he hadn't been there to see it.

That was just all these feelings collapsing in on my heart and mind, and it was pretty bad.

Ha. Okay, now if that's how I react to a ticket, think how bad I'd be if I got arrested? I just can't imagine. That was so terrible.

Okay--oh god, this is bad too. So, somewhere in between drunkness and a hayride, jeff and I were sitting on a log talking about whatever, and somehow we started into the drunk "we are so perfect for each other" ramble, and he started saying that, "It was as if our parents had raised us to.."

And I don't know if he was still talking, or he paused or I just broke in, cuz all of a sudden at that moment I jumped in with, "yeah, to marry each other!"

AHHHH! Can you believe I said that? And I think *I* was more bothered by the slip than he was, because he was just so cute, and kind of looked at me and smiled and looked (at my horrified face, no doubt) and said, "hey, I'm not freaking out, am I? I know."

And after that moment...it was like a blast of love happiness. Some secret deep confession revealed or something. It's still scary, and it didn't need to be said. Even if at this point I think we probably will....We've still got a long while to go before we graduate and even begin to think about something like that. Lol, I just can't believe I let that one go.

I mean, first I tell him awhile back that I want him to have my children (ok, so it wasn't that exact and to the words, but he took the hint!) and now I'm telling him we're getting married.

Woah, nelly.

Okay, so this part is about to get real graphic, and you better have a strong stomach if you plan on reading futher. ;)

So, after we camped, we came back to his house and I was just ready to get on with my day (because it was around 10:15 by this point) but he wanted to take a nap. So I figured I would lay down for like five minutes, then get restless and leave.

Well...I woke up around 11 and thought it was a perfect time to get up...only to close my eyes and not wake up until around 1:15. (oh well.) And we started kissing, and it was like another round of just

...wow, I really love this person!

Sorry for the cheese, but I could really feel it coming from both sides. And we haven't slept together in awhile, and I'm on my period, but it just got to this point to...I really couldn't hold myself back, and I had already let him get me off twice, so I try to pull down my pants and not let him see (that I'm on my period) and we're having sex, and (yadda yadda? ;) and I'm on top, and I look down and I can tell it's just one huge horrible mess.

Now I'm really horrified.

So I basically look at him, and apologize and tell him that I once I get up he just needs to run to the shower as fast as he can, and just not think about it. So we run to the shower, and once again I'm a lot more worried about it than he (appeared to be). I mean...there was a lot of blood, it was so gross. Take a shower, and he seems to be okay with it. Guess he took my advice, and just tried not to think about it.

So all is well until about 11:15pm tonight (sat.) and we're outside our restaurant in the parking lot, and he's coming over to kiss me, and this when I deide to confess to him that I stole his wine service from his room a few days ago.

Now, I don't know why I hadn't thought about it being as weird and freaky as it really (is) but I guess...somehow it just made sense to me.

I had an extra wine service, and when he started serving, I gave my extra to him. Awhile ago I lost mine, and ended up having to buy another one. This one sucks so bad. I've broken so many corks with it, it's just rediculous. So, one drunk eve, at his house I saw it on his table and I just swiped it. I figured I would just give him my new one. And yeah that's shady, but I mean it was my wine service to begin with, and he wouldn't give it back to me when I asked for it.

And that's pretty selfish that I even asked, but...I just wanted my good ol reliable wine service back.

So when I told him and tried to give him my new one, he was....pretty offended and weirded out that I swiped something right out of his room like that. And when he put it like that, yeah, that is kind of creepy. And I feel like such a creepy, theif-like girlfriend. It's a pretty...not good feeling.

I feel like I've had to apologize so many times these last couple of days. I was driving like a maniac to swerve out of the way of a (er, trash bag--c'mon, I thought it was an animal in the street!) and he was shaken up by that (understandably) and then the cop incident where I just completely and irrationally broke down, then for being so drunk, then for (er) bleeding on him, and all the rest.

And when I went over tonight it was on the premise of a "sure" which is never good. (When I called him and asked if I came over, it went something like this "(pause), uh, sure." And this a major "whatever" sounding sure. I think he was trying to say "no" (but I don't have a good excuse to say no to you.) But I went over anyway, hoping to smooth some things over. I could tell he was still annoyed by the whole wine service thing, and acted a little on the cold side while we watched Iron Chef (which BTW, is my new fave show).

And afterwards, when it was over, I basically said I was going, and he didn't much argue. I would have stayed over and hoped to talk it out, but I have to get up early tomorrow anyway (and bleh, it's 3am right now and I have to get up at 7:45!) So i'm off to bed.