13 January 2003

I'm cold. My room is typically around 58-62 degrees. It's 24 degrees outside right now. I'm freezing!. Sleeping is painfully cold, and when I try to study in my room my hands instantly freeze up. The only saving grace is my space heater which helps, but certaintly doesn't ever really make the room comfy.

I'm also sick; I am in the beginning stages. My throat is terribly scratchy and it hurts to swallow, I've got this feeling that I may have strep throat.

My boyfriend seems really...down. I think he's just tired, but it instantly reaffirms how I feel as if he completely...controls the state of the relationship in some sense. I think no matter what I'm generally pro-relationship even if something is bothering me. What I mean by that, is I try to stay positive and fake it. I don't know if that's good or bad. I think by faking it...you in away do make it better--kind of like faking being outgoing if you're really shy..it just helps the process.

I'm probably not making any sense. But it seems like the moment Jeff isn't into "us"--not necessarily in a negative way, just his mind is in other places, I feel completely...out of place almost. He calls me tonight and asks if I'm done studying (yes) and so I come over. He's lounging on a couch in his room and I sit on the other one. We don't really talk.

He flips channels. And flips channels. Finally we find "Joe Millionaire" and we watch that. I'm kind of wishing I'm with my roommates by this point. Last week we all watched it together and made comments the whole time. I think this is just a fun show to talk trash to, and with my silent boyfriend it loss some of its fun. (Cuz c'mon, it's not all that great of a show just as is.) So after that is over we watch local news.

Then I flip channels. And flip channels. Finally we settle, ahem, I guess *I* settle on E's "hottest chicks" or something of that nature. I am bored out of my mind. I imagine he must be too.

Why did you invite me over again?

So the TV isn't working and so I try kissing on him, but I don't get much response there. Okay, I'm leaving. I ask him if he'll call me later....He shrugs.

Alright.

I think he's just tired, so I'm not worried that there's something more going on, but being a girl it is frustrating having him act like that. He isn't talking to me or even giving me an explanation. I don't know if he's tired, pissed, hungry or bored. I think I may be dating my "dad"--aaaah, how did this happen?

You know what reality show I do actually quite like? The Bachlorette(sp?). I did not see any of the previous dating reality shows, but the main girl is so adorable. I was such a girl watching it, with a huge smile on my face the whole time. But I could NOT imagine getting married like that--or just so quickly meeting people and then marrying them. I mean, I'm sure it's fun to have all these guys basically willing to do anything to have you, but still...I would never want to get randomly married like that.

It seems like the moment I start working out, I am hungry all the time. So what's the difference if I run for 30 minutes if I eat two dinners?! It's weird, I don't know why my mind sabotages me like that. But that's fine, I guess. To be honest whether I work out regularly or if I don't get to the gym once in a quarter my weight stays the same. I think I would see a difference if I lifted weights, but at a college gym it is VERY intimidating.

I--along with every other person there--is constantly checking out other people and comparing their body. I suppose it doesn't matter, because there are always girls there who are thinner than me (and then I think the whole time, hmm, are they just naturally thin, do they have to work out really hard to be thin, or she just anorexic?--it's easy to choose the latter), and there will always be girls who are bigger than me. I'd say I'm probably at a nice normal weight, but I'd love to be more in shape. Plus, while I still have a flat stomach I wouldn't ever want to flaunt it, because it's not toned.

Okay, do I sound like the typical sorority girl or what?

How about academics? I had a paper due on my second day of class in my women's studies course. I pretty much stressed myself over it (don't I always?) and even had trouble sleeping that night before I turned it in. It wasn't a horribly important paper, but I felt as it being the first work I turn in, I wanted to appear intelligent and worthy, etc. Lol, you wouldn't think I would be surprised everytime I do well on things, but I always am. And especially in WS because the subject still seems so foreign to me. But I got a perfect score, so haha to all those terrible women-study-ers who talk the whole time and ramble on and on...

I mean, it would take a WS teacher to discover that male=blue, female=pink...see how the men receive a primary color which instantly makes them the stronger and dominant force from birth?--It's like, what?

But I don't want to discredit WS, I did pick it up as my second major--right? There are some definite merits to studying gender and any type of oppression in the world so as it can be stopped, and as a privileged middle class white woman straight out of suburbia, I haven't exactly had the chance to see oppression at its greatest. OR, when I do see it I don't even notice it. Sure when my boss asks me if I'm coming home with him tonight...or if I'd like to go back in the cooler and make out with him, I recognize that "uh, he probably shouldn't be saying those things..." even though I think he's joking. (You are joking, right?).

But is that even oppressive? Well, my boss also does not allow males to host nor females to buss, which is illegal (and so is the sexual harrassment), but hey it's just something as a female you've come to expect (and accept?). Well, we shouldn't have to accept it. And, if my boss' comments truly weirded me out I probably would say something or leave. We did have a girl quit because of it though. If the girls at the restaurant ever wanted to press charges we'd have a good case, because I don't think one girl has escaped the comments from him. He is a dirty old man, no doubt.

But he also has an awsome wife, two little boys and a baby girl that is less than a month old. Do I want to ruin all that all on some improper joking?

RUSH began the other day. Since I'm inactive I don't technicaly have a vote. Which sucks, because if I'm going to be there dedicating my time, working my magic (yeah right!) as an experienced "rusher" and loyal senior shouldn't my vote count? I understand the concept that having a vote is a priviledge of those that are paying full price and are actively involved this quarter, but as a senior I've definitly put my dues to work and have contributed a lot to the chapter. Plus, I'm a hot babe so they need me there to reel the newbies in. Lol. I'm sorry, today is superficial aglaia day.

I don't even know if they want me to talk. I have absolutely no probelm carrying a conversation and talking to people with whom I know nothing about, but I probably do sound like a big nerd as a I go about it. Sometimes I'll walk away and think, "what the hell was I just talking about back there?" For the most part RUSH is alright but if you get stuck talking to a girl who is either too shy/quiet to talk or seemingly personality-less it's pretty awful.

I'm really easy going and I can talk to just about anyone, but sometimes it's like pulling teeth. And I'm sure there have been girls who maybe didn't like talking to me, but I'd have to say in general I'm a pretty well-rounded woman with a lot of interests in different areas, I'm intelligent, I'm attractive...who wouldn't want to talk with me? haha. I'm outty.

-ag

P.S. Isn't it terribly sad that dloveis no longer with us here at diaryland? He had some amazingly insightful entries that really moved me and I am truly sad he's gone. It's crazy to think how many diaries I have loved that have left. I must be a "grandma" in online journaling at this point!