28 June 2000

Yo. I had fun at work today. I got to "work" tables with my trainer. But he would disappear for long periods of time, and I would totally be all over the tables. Surprisingly, the computer system, is like totally easy, it's great!

My trainer guy "Todd" (wait--was that his name? haha, anyway...) I'm in ditz mode right now, but yeah, he was really cool. Seriously though, I think serving is going to be a lot of fun. I need to make 2000 dollars by September 1st. Do you think I can do that?

I think I'm going to order some underwear from Victoria's Secret. :) I am a catalog addict, and it has been too long since I have made a purchase. Besides, I am such the mismatch girl when it comes to underwear. Now I like my thongs just as much as my cotton briefs so it's not so much a matter of "comfort" (I happen to think thongs are more comfortable actually, because you never have to worry about wedgees...you just accept from the morning on that you're gonna have one, so don't worry about it. ;) But I do go for functional pieces.

The way I'm picky about my food is the same way I'm clothes sensitive. I've definitly grown a lot further in my clothing tolerance, but the whole lace deal...well, you can't wear that under anything! I go for smooth lines that disappear. I wear bras that fit me (r e a d: my breasts aren't falling out of my bra) I don't really buy into the whole push-up thing, because I'm a natural girl. I've always figured the guy is more interested in what is underneath that underwear than what it looks like ;) Or at least I hope, since my stuff isn't exactly lust inspiring in most cases. But in the spirit of Jeff and future boys, I'll buy a matching set of sheer blue top and bottoms with a little decor on it.

I have almost all white stuff (goes with everything underneath :) But....I find blue underware "lucky". Or at least it has been so far in the past, if you catch my drift. Haha. Anyway.

My younger brother knows I have a d-land diary. It sort of puts me in "worry" mode about it. He's so lazy, I bet he'll never get on and look for it. (He wouldn't guess the name, but *could* just randomly click on it.) Talk about trauma with the little brother(!). He told me he just got one himself. He told me the name. I actually wish he would write one anon. He needs somewhere to really get out his feelings and problems. But we'll see. It's good for him, because his writing skills are really below what they should be I think. He's so fantastic everywhere, but writing is def. not a high spot.

I told him, if he wanted it to be personal, I wouldn't read it. There is a bit of respect between us (just a bit though ;) but we love each other dearly, I just want him to be happy.

I wanted to see Jeff tonight but didn't call. Glances at clock. I guess I still could, this is almost a typical time for one of our dates to start (he works until 11:30-midnight anyway). But I feel kind of tired. So it's probably best I get to bed soon. (Though, watch me go to bed real late anyway ;) While driving home from work (all two minutes of it--it's super close to my house :) I was thinking how good Jeff is right now. The way I'm going to rationalize it, sounds kind of bad, but I know what I mean...

Jeff is normal. I mean, he's just "off" enough for me, hehe (that won't make any sense, unless if you're....me. I'm sorry ;) No, but really he's so nice and typical and like being with him, and I'm totally content with my life right now. I'm not really being challenged or thought provoked--which is real chill. And while I love drama, and I love being with someone who really upsets society, who thinks big, who has grand values, morals or what not...I mean, I need to learn how to deal with typical "jeff's" as well.

This could have been a really hard summer for me. Summer past(s) was spent youth-grouping it, of which I've almost completely cut myself off of. That includes my 1/2 best friend Holls cuz she's usually busy with them, and my other best friend is in Florida. My whole network of friends....are no longer friends. With Jeff it's like...I'm going out a few times of the week, spending it with someone, who really makes me laugh (like a best friend :) and we're just really laid back talking about stuff in our lives and getting in some kisses in between. We haven't been officialized "exclusive" but I don't need the label, when we act like we are. In away, it's really what I need right now.

I hope, we continue to make something out of us, maybe even at some point having the "us talk" and I hope we're still seeing each other when school begins. Because I want us to mix friends, go out together and all that jazz. :) So we'll see.

Goals right now?

1.)Get down to 125lbs. I've gained ten. I don't think I look any bigger. I'm 5'9/5'10 so it's not like i'm in any danger zone. All my clothes still fit the same. But I don't know. Maybe that's how it starts, you just keep getting bigger and bigger, continuing to think you look fine. Until one day you realize you're out of control. ;) My body is an important part of my image. I want to always be in shape, and be fit for any athletic journey-ing :) So...food will be hard to do, because I like to eat bad--that will be super hard to break (part of the whole picky eater thing) but I know I can exercise, I just need the motivation. I want to tone up too. I love toned arms, I just have reg. arms, but I'm super weak! So anyway, lose some weight, try to work on diet (hahaha, yeah right.)

2.) Read. When I read, I grow. I really love it. Every time I read, I am awakened in whole different ways. It makes me creative, it makes me love life and things and people, and I just need to do it more. I know I have the time (say if I wasn't surfing the 'net, ya know?). I don't know why I'm so lazy about it, because I know I like reading so much. So that's that, read some books, a little non for smarts and some big fiction to gain some more "real" book literacy. :)

3.) Guitar. I love my guitar. I love watching people play guitar. So much, it actually turns me on. Anyone who can *really* play (any music) actually, does that to me. So. I got this thing for Christmas last year. This whole kit on how to teach yourself guitar. I think....it's time I break out that bad boy. Couldn't manage to find the time while in school. I seriously need to look at it now.

4.) Work no play. ;) I just need to work as much as I can, make as much money as I can. This means picking up shifts, even though I hate doing that. I need to try really hard not to go shopping. I think, I really do need the clothes, but right now....I just can't do that. If I'm serious about going to Greece, I need to be serious about making this money. I've never been able to do something like this, because I was never ready to commit to the actions of working hard enough for the money. This time I Am.

5.) This is kind of a weird one, but I've almost read the whole bible. I have a huge bible journal, with passages I had liked, or had questions about, passages I disagreed with, passages that seemed to contradict, and just overall thoughts on stuff that was going on, or how things related to society's ongoings. It was something I really liked doing. I was pretty committed to having my bible "quiet time" every day, and it was rather calming. I think, I'd like to finish the bible. I don't know, maybe even try to go to service or to bible study. I just....I don't know why, a part of me misses the connection to the church kids. Besides, even if something doesn't directly serve you, it serves them, and it helps me understand where they are coming from.

Unconscious stress. I have canker sores really bad right now. I've had them since I was a little kid. We're talking sizes that just shouldn't be allowed or possible, but that's how they get with me. It's rather painful. They're all really huge right now, so hopefully it's time for healing. I'm not sure if they can get any bigger. This is kind of gross to talk about. I'm sorry. ;) I say unconscious stress, because I guess they're stress related. I'm not sure what I'm stressing about. I guess it could be over serving, but I didn't think that was such a big deal, but I don't know.

I'm tired, think i'm going to go to bed. love, aglaia.