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Boring, HS sports, MTV/music, sorority blues

23 April 2003

Hey. My life is so boring right now. And I feel constantly tired. I know I only have two courses (ahem, okay, more like only one�.does archery once a week really qualify?) but I still feel reasonably busy. My one women�s studies course, loads on the reading homework so that keeps me busy, and then I�m down at the YWCA interning 2-3 times a week so it�s as if all my days are filled.

But I do feel tired. Last night I went to bed at 1am, didn�t get up until 10:00 and I couldn�t stop yawning in my 11:30. Archery wasn�t as fun today either. We are further back from the target, which is a little more entertaining, but my form must be off because I couldn�t even find a grouping I was just all over the place. Relatively all over the place in the middle region, nothing wild or anything, but I still get down on myself when I�m not �perfect� at something. I really like playing sports, but I have a hard time enjoying them sometimes because of the competition. I remember during a track meet in HS (I did the high jump) I kept taking my run (before you jump) over and over again. Something in me�I just couldn�t make myself jump. I don�t know if it was fear of hitting my back on the bar, or just not clearing it, but it was awful. I ran it like 10 times then finally I just walked off. I was so embarrassed. I think it was because my dad was there and I wanted to �show him proud.�

I remember my junior year my parents didn�t come to one swim meet I had. I couldn�t decide if I was hurt or relieved. (They�re not neglectful; they had come plenty of times in the years before). I think I was relieved. I remember always liking the individual swims over relays. I hated knowing that I could be the one to slow down my teammates. And I�m sure I was never the slowest, I was a decent swimmer, but it bothered me anyway. I was more worried about what others would think of me, then about how I felt about my own race.


I feel like I should be doing something. Looking for a job? Being productive? I hate watching MTV, but I have been for the past week here and there trying to find the name of this song I really like. It still hasn�t played! Of course, if MTV had been playing music videos during those random checks into MTV perhaps I could have heard it. I watched the end of Madonna�s special last night. Ahhh, I love Madonna. I�m not a super fan or anything�I don�t even own all of her albums. I admit, I still love her older stuff. Nothing can be better than throwing on the Immaculate Collection and dancing around my room like a 12-year-old girl. It just makes you feel good. Or at least it makes me feel good. When she sang �Like a Prayer� at the end I had the biggest smile on my face, just clapping along with the crowd. Madonna seemed kind of like a bitch though�hmm, reminded me of sister actually, lol. It�s like you still kind of like her, even though�.she was being mean, because you think she�s cool? Does that make sense?

I�m not a big concert go-er, pretty much because of the money thing�well, not true, partly true, but mostly because there are few artists that I like well enough that I would want to stand around and listen to. I adore DMB, but I find him awfully boring to watch. I would be willing to pay $200+ to see Madonna though. Even though she apparently cannot sing that well live. Oh well.


I�m feeling really anti-sorority at the moment. That�s not a good way to describe it, more I just feel out of the loop and disconnected. Having been inactive last quarter I don�t know the new 25 girls we have. Twenty-five new women into a close organization can really change the makeup of the group. And hopefully these women are cool, well-rounded individuals, but I wouldn�t know, because I haven�t been around. I�ve turned into one of those dreaded lost seniors. I imagine most of those young girls would have no clue of who I was if they saw me. Admittedly, I could only name 7 or so, and maybe point out another 5 so I�m not much better. It�s a shame, because now that I�m not around it looks as if I am this uninvolved, uncaring sister. And they have no idea what I did for that house! How much time and energy I put into my programs and really cared about the house.

I�m not technically officially inactive this quarter, but essentially I am. Unfortunately I am paying full price, I�m just not attending anything. It�s a catch-22 at this point�.I should go to events to get to know the new girls�but I don�t want to go to the events out of fear that no one will know me or really talk to me. Plus, I�m graduating in�7 weeks? I�m not exactly out to find my new best friend at this point. I�ve done my part for the house, and it�s their turn to get out of what I already have. I see them making the same mistakes and having the same problems we (my class and older) had, and it�s a shame they won�t listen to us (seniors) when we pipe in with our already proven solutions, but maybe it�s just part of the process, maybe you have to learn some things on your own.

There are events coming up that are (obviously) my last in the sorority and some nostalgic part of me feels I should go�just to go, because it�s my last, but I also wonder what�s the point? We have our Founder�s Day coming up on Saturday, and I feel like I should go, but�I hated going before, so why should I now? Plus, I had a friend commit suicide my first year on Founder�s Day, so it�s kind of a�bad memory surrounding it. And I sort of have an excuse not to go�I�m picking up my sister from the airport. Of course, she could just get a cab or something, but I already told her I would do it before I even found out we were having our Founder�s Day luncheon on that day. Then there�s formal. I have already paid dues to go to Formal, so I feel like I should go (then again, with that argument I paid for Founder�s Day too ;) but�in theory, Formal should be tons of fun.

Not that it�s ever been anything special in the past. Kind of like prom in HS�not necessarily bad memories, but certainly nothing memorable. And then there�s the whole thing about all these girls there who�I won�t know. And they won�t know me. And being the �good� model sister that I had tried to be up til last quarter, I feel extremely guilty not knowing these new girls. It doesn�t really matter, and I know that, I just remember being really offended that the seniors never came around when I had first joined.

Now I understand where those seniors were coming from, but as a freshman/sophomore you really don�t get it. Plus, Heidi isn�t going to formal, and she�s my lifeboat here. I�m glad we�ve gotten closer again. Also, she�s been inactive these past two quarters so she completely knows where I�m coming from as for being out of the loop. And, the other senior I�m close to is bringing a girl friend so I don�t know how much fun that will be for them to be hanging out with Jeff and I. Then the younger girls I�m friends with have a really close knit group so I know I�m going to feel out of place there. I guess it doesn�t really matter�I�ll be with Jeff.

But how much fun will it be to go to a dance with when you�re not really friends with anyone? I�ll feel like I�m crashing a party. Oh�I wish Heidi were going.


In honor of Lydialicious I went and took this quiz to see what �color� I saw life through. Apparently, I am very level headed, as I see life on many different levels. The quiz is right�already knew that J

You see the would in Red, Green, and Blue
Red/Green/Blue:

To you, the world is logical. Everything happens
for a reason, life is scientific. You like to
find solutions. I doubt you needed to take this
quiz in order to realize this.



What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

In honor of Strangewayz I took this quiz and turns out I�m a �Figher Femme� �er, whatever that means.

Warrioress
You are the Figher Femme



Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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