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Waste day, Lonely Bones, Job Search Continues

25 June 2003

Okay I think my [last] entry was a little over thought and emotional. Apparently, nothing is wrong with Jeff and I. I guess.

The next day at work he was just as loving as I would want him. We saw each other that night, and all was well. We haven't been seeing as much as we did while we were in school...which is okay, I think it'd probably be best for both of us to develop more interests outside of each other, especially paying attention to friends who we typically neglect in favor for each other. But, it doesn't mean I like it. I mean, I know it isn't healthy but I love when we're consumed in each other.

It's addictive, but I love falling away from everything and just spending time with him. Sometimes our conversations are unmemorable but often we allow ourselves to open up and be as natural and real as we can and just talk about the world, life, and...yeah, what's on TV.


I am excited to be going to NYC this weekend. I have never been and I'm not sure what to expect. My mom keeps warning me about practicing safe behavior and not getting mugged or lost and Jeff keeps groaning about how expensive it will be, and how far everything is.

My only concern is, since we're staying with a friend who is living in an apartment run by NYU she actually has to sign us in...I'm beginning to think we will not have access to her place once we leave for the day (she will be at her job/internship during the day). I expect us (heidi, jeff and I) to be out and about checking out the city during the day, but that can make for a very long day if we can't get into "our" place if we get tired. I guess I'll just have to see how that goes. I mean, I don't exactly see us getting up at 8am everyday to go exploring.

I need my beauty sleep :)


I had to play "carry out girl" at my restaurant last weekend...it's wild how all the men I work with reacted when I showed up. They see me on a regular basis in a white shirt, tie and black pants with my hair pulled back in pigtails. Then all of a sudden it's like I was a woman. Body hugging top, knee lengh flowing skirt, hair down, makeup on. Haha, you would have thought I was a different person. All the guys kept on coming up to me (and panting).

Lalala...I felt somewhat sexually harassed/creeped out, especially because I know my manager is a dirty old man (okay, okay, I'm sure he loves his wife and children, but when they aren't around...eww). But at the same time it was fun to be the source of so much attraction.


I had the biggest waste of a day today. Ohio has been having sunny days lately, so I have been trying to take advantage of the (rare) rays, but today I couldn't even "manage" to lay out. I felt incredily lethargic. I didn't even get up until close to 11am, but then by 1:30 I was ready for a nap...or more like a sleep, I thought I could just fall asleep right away. Or maybe that was just the masturbation after-glow (la!).

But, I ended up having a great night at work. The patio has been exhausting as always, but I lucked out with one table specifically. One of the men slipped me a twenty as he walked away from the table saying the other guy doesn't know how to tip. Well, lucky for me the guy paying tipped me 24 on $106. Sweet! Haha, so there was 40 dollars just there. I ended up walking with 100 dollars. Not bad for a Tuesday--a shift I usually work for "gas money" (typically a 11-35 dollar shift).

Ah, but even a night like that doesn't make me enjoy serving anymore. I'm really done with it. I've been looking in the newspaper and online for jobs, but to be honest, I don't want to do that either. I'm not sure what I want to do. I have a friend that just applied to the Peace Corps--I am so happy for her, I know she'd do great at something like that. Just the thought really frightens me...I think, especially having never really left my family going to college so close to home, something like that would be too much of a shock.

I need to experience living away from my parents a little before I completely move into culture shock! But I'm wondering if something like that would be for me. Maybe not Peace Corps necessarily, but I am just not ready for an office. In fact, I used to always swear I would never have an office job. I want to be moving around and doing things. I don't know where I would be moving to or exactly doing what, but argh, not sitting in an office...and certaintly not a cubicle!

Every job I find that seems remotedly interesting wants at least two years of experience (usually more) and I think I could do the job, but I'm also not that confidant with my computer skills. I have used powerpoint, excel, word, etc. But I wouldn't consider myself proficient or an expert in any. I've also used a couple of other programs that I have listed on my resume, but I would be really scared if anyone expected me to just pick up and start using them.

I wasn't really too concerned with getting a job, but...not that I thought something would just fall in my lap, I just figured I would be able to find something. I don't know what to expect. I know I will likely be starting at the "bottom" of a place, but shouldn't it at least be something I like doing--somehow? I mean, I shouldn't be completely miserable from the get-go...should I? How could I possibly do a good job, if that was the case? I mean, I don't like going to work (at my restaurant), but I don't want to dread going into an actual job everyday. At least now i can sleep in. :)

And I've actually been making pretty decent money. I mean tonight I made $100 dollars in six hours. Not bad. Okay, not typical for a weeknight, but relatively standard for a weekend with the same amount of hours. But I'm wasting away there. I wish...almost that I was going back to school. I don't think I necessarily like school, but I think I'm good at learning.

Actually, I love doing research papers. I mean I actually *enjoy* doing all the reading, and the planning and organizing, and finding all these different resources, etc. Then putting that final paper together...it may not always come easy, but I like the struggle, the becoming of the paper. And I always know I have a good paper. Not to be cocky, I just...I know the type of preparation and work that I put into it mixed with my ability to put a paper together..it's gonna be good.

Haha, er, don't let my diary be a sampling of my writing! ;)

I said research...not from the heart stuff! Although...I do at times have a problem with run on sentences in my papers, haha.


I finished the book "The Lovely Bones" last night. I always feel strange after I finish a book. I know I've talked about this before, but that feeling...it's hard to explain it just kind of rushes over you. Partly happy to have completed a book, but also you're sad because you have been wrapped up in this story, the characters to a point (if it's written well) that you almost feel as if you know the people being written about (even if it's all fictional). So having to say goodbye...it's a weird feeling.

I liked the book. I don't even know how it came to me. I think last Christmas I found it in my room. Probably my sister left it when she was visiting, I don't know. Anyway, I took it to school with me, but I didn't have time to read it since I found it. Until now. That is something I love about summer, and actually, not that I'm out of school (for good!) maybe I can read a lot more.

Books can bring so much pleasure. I wish Jeff liked to read.






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