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School Project, Bills, Christmas Bonus and Jeff
16 December 2005
It's been too long. But, it does pose a problem when the only time you have to sit and write out an entry you are also sitting less than a foot away from your boyfriend, whom you are writing about. So instead, I avoid it. Just as I do with everything else. In fact, in my latest move of selfishness, immaturity and in this case, perhaps unprofessionalism I will not be.....turning in my final project for the online class I am taking. I found that online learning, at least for the class I took was not a good option for me. I appreciated the flexibility it offered in terms of scheduling and doing work on your own time but I didn't like the forced discussion setting (just as I don't like when you are forced to discuss in real-life classes for "points"). Most importantly, I wasn't really inspired by anything I was learning. I learned such a shallow amount of information for everything that the end result didn't offer much for me to take back to the office. Of course, I don't know what I expected since this was an undergraduate course offering; not a certificate program or practical skills program. It wasn't completely worthless and I did learn a lot of general knowledge. How much that will benefit me in the long run is arguable but any education of any sort no matter the subject I think is always valuable. I found myself getting into the habit of taking notes or highlighting information that I thought we might be tested on--not necessarily real points that I could expand on with my marketing team or meetings team at work. I will have to go back through our lectures and textbook to find these things (although, there really isn't that much to collect). Instead of a Final Exam we were given a Final Project. It's a 20 page paper on the start-to-finish production of a Consumer Expo from the manager perspective. I knew this was something I would need to really start working on a couple of weeks before the deadline. That way I would have time to work out my insane methods of reporting and outline building. I think I write excellent reports. Usually, I think when I submit something I expect to get an "A." I know that I can do excellent work and am hard on myself when I don't perform up to my own standards. But, as the days neared of my Final Project deadline I found ways to get distracted, procrastinate and simply drag my feet. I knew what I needed to do but after working all day long and putting in extra time on other projects I'm involved in, the last way I wanted to spend my evenings or my weekends was on a school project. So, I didn't do it. The paper is due tomorrow (Saturday). To be honest, these last couple of weeks I've barely made the time to do my reading, online participation and submit my homework assignment and take quizzes (which, to give me some credit, require a decent number of hours to complete in themselves). After all of the "general duty" responsibilities I didn't take the time to really put work into my project. I was in a workshop all last weekend and this week I've been fatigued and now today I'm sick. Excuses I know but most of all...I simply don't want to do it. I can be oddly stubborn about random things sometimes. I really didn't want to do this paper. I had a growing anxiety about it and knew I had not properly prepared. I knew whatever I submitted would not be up to par and I would drive myself crazy while completing it....tears, yelling and moaning to certainly make an appearance. I did email my instructor and without much way for excuse I told her that I was taking the course as a professional learning tool and not as a class for credit or towards a degree. I did ask for an extension but acknowledged no expectations or reasonable need for this other than I was unprepared and I would have to pay the consequences. After further examining the grade scale I realized that I have a reasonable chance of earning a solid "B" in the course. The final project is only worth 15% of my grade. I have completed all my assignments (some earning extra credit), received over 100% on my midterm (compliments of some well spoken thoughts on some extra credit questions) and while my discussion posts weren't exactly meaningful I refrained from "me too" posts and always made comments each week. I missed some questions on weekly quizzes but I would think between everything else I should be hovering right around that 85% mark. The relief of this discovery was pretty great. Jeff was shocked I even had to make a decision. Of course, he's happy to simply pass. I'm upset if I get an A minus. To "accept" a B grade is incredibly hard. It goes against my integrity and my work ethic. I feel disappointed in myself. But, standing back....I don't really care. I mean, I don't really care about this class or the grade. I wish I would have thought to ask about Pass/Fail option because honestly I don't need this grade for anything. But, it still goes on a permanent record and I want to have pride in my work. I have not received a response from my instructor. If she grants the extension I may consider putting forth more effort. But, as of right now, I have decided I will not submit anything. I actually hope she says nothing and I get the grade that I get. Hopefully it is the "B" I expect and not something terrible. Not all of our grades have been posted and we don't know how many participation points we have received. At worst I am looking at a C minus. I feel bad that it's come to this but in the big picture I think I've made the right decision. It's not worth losing my sanity on a project that will make me and everyone around me miserable. I've been binging at work all week. I know it's the stress that allows me to put my guard down. I hope that making this decision will allow me to just move forward.
To add to my internal stress I am having a "bad friend" moment. Heidi is in town this weekend with work. She had a promotions event that she invited me to be a VIP to. At the time I thought I was going to be working on my paper. I was stressed that I was going to be putting my best girlfriend on hold for something I didn't even care about. I also knew that I would need more than a Friday night but all of Saturday to work on it too.
I have sent Jeff in my place. I'm happy that he feels comfortable enough to just go and be with her. I hope Heidi feels the same way. I do, at least. He's known her as long as I've known him and we all really get along well. I was still undecided as of lunch time today what I was going to do about the report and since we only had one VIP pass I told Jeff to keep it. I was exhausted all day at work. I have had a developing sore throat the past three days. Today has been the worst. I have that all-over body sickly feeling, with the heavy head and watery eyes. So far my nose seems to be holding up but I'm just waiting for the cold onslaught. My throat is the worst right now. It's very raw and it feels like I'm swallowing daggers. It's so dry that I keep sipping something every couple of minutes. I've drank a ton of water today which I guess is good for me but it really does hurt. As soon as I walked in the door I went to bed. I hope Jeff doesn't tell Heidi that I'm just being lazy. Yes, I'm being selfish in a way but I am sick and am still mulling over my paper project. I hope she doesn't mind too much. I don't really have party stamina anyway. It's sad, but she's probably having a better time with Jeff than she would have had with me.
I've had some hard hits to my wallet recently. My dental coverage sucks. I guess that I'm happy we have any but when I went in for a check-up last month I learned I had two cavities. I think I take good care of my teeth and my dentist said they looked good overall but the cavities were in the far back of my mouth between the teeth which is hard to prevent. I also went to this dentist to discuss TMJ treatment options. The dentist not only had a recommendation of a treatment method (NTI mouth guard) she was also a user.
I read up on the NTI treatment and why it was more successful than other guards. I was to have a day guard and a night guard. Both are very small and snap on to my lower teeth. It's just enough that my top and lower teeth do not touch to take the pressure off my jaw. It made sense to me. Plus, with the dentist as a user AND because my retainer/guard I had received in high school was so well worn from my grinding at night that I would actually wake up with my teeth touching I decided to do it. Unfortunately, my cavities cost me around $700 which the insurance covered $150. The NTI guards cost $1200 and I haven't heard back from the insurance but from my discussion with some of sales reps it sounded like the very MOST I would receive was around $200. Woo hoo. I actually had to take out a loan for the NTI guard. It felt very "adult like" to get the financing. If I read the paperwork right I shouldn't have to pay any interest as long as I pay off the loan in one year (it's a two year loan). Then, I've had three different things fixed on my car, not to mention the obligatory oil change and that topped around $1100. Oh yeah, it's Christmas so I've been busy spending tons of money on that as well. All said and done I'm not honestly sure where I stand. I know I can pay for my bills (couldn't have done the NTI without the loan) but I wasn't sure what my bank account would look like once I have paid December bills and January rent. Then I get the good news that my organization will be offering holiday bonuses. Not everyone will get one and they range in amount given. I'm crossing my fingers that I get something. From all the feedback I've heard from the other staff I felt confident that I was doing a good job that people liked me and I was making a valuable contribution. Still, I was new and I didn't know how that would affect the decision. I had heard that one person had received $300 one year and another had gotten $1500! I'm so desperate for money they could have given me $30 and I might have been okay. I was very pleased and surprised today (and relieved due to my $$$ stress) that I received a $2000 bonus!! I was so amazed and excited. After taxes it's more like 1200 but hey, I'll take it. It's kind of a bummer that I can't really spend this money on something fun (like vacation) or on a big ticket item that I've been eyeing but have not purchased (like a new monitor). Hell, even an iPOD would be fun to get. But, I've really already spend the money. I'm just waiting for the monster Discover bill that will have the car payments, dental bills and probably some other holiday spending that hasn't caught up to me yet. When I told Jeff he was so excited. He started talking about going out to dinner and buying things and it's like...whoa, it's already been spent. :( So, the good news is that I won't be crying at the end of December but the sad news is that I don't really get to enjoy the bonus. Had the dental or car things not popped up this would have been so awesome. I could have maxed out my Roth account and felt a little more financially secure. Instead...I pay bills. At the beginning of February we will also have employee reviews. Even the new people will go through the process. Our E.D. also said that everyone is eligible for a raise. Again, I don't know if being new will be held against me but I would love to be making more (okay, I know everyone would) but I am beginning to feel the crunch. My great savings I built up before moving to Chicago has greatly dwindled. I have been overspending not saving and while I have a monthly Roth deposit I want to have a regular savings account I can rely on as well. I'm going to really put in my best effort to shine during the review process. A raise of any amount would be really helpful at this point.
Oh yeah, so how's Jeff?
We are doing okay. We've both been busy with work and home life has been pleasant but I'm definitely holding back. Jeff has these moments where he is really glowing with his love for me and I feel really guilty. I�m not in love with him. I love him and I treasure our relationship and friendship. I value who he has made me. There is no �true� me anymore he is so much a part of my life and who I am. I appreciate that I�ve experienced real love and that we had this amazing connection. I�m sad that I�ve grown away from that. I am ready to move on but I�m scared of what�s ahead. I�m scared of not knowing Jeff anymore. I�m scared of being on my own, of being a new city with no one to lean on. I hope that I get the courage to truly share these feelings with him. I keep saying that once this date passes I will take action but I�ve yet to fulfill these promises. Our lease is through April and we will have to make a decision on where we are going to live in March. Three months. I can�t believe I would allow myself to live with him, to sign another lease. I didn�t think I would go through this Christmas with him either. There is never a right time to have this discussion. It will hurt. So I avoid it.
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