5 August 2000

I am *so* sorry I didn't get a chance to call/see you Scud. I never really had a chance where I could call you--even just to talk, because I wasn't sure if it was too late when we would get back to our hotel or what not. That kind of sucks, because when am I ever going to get a chance like that again?

Ever coming to Cols, OH dear Scudly? ;)

Ha, you know, you're not the first to steal my little paragraph breaker line. But (shhh) I actually stole it myself. Probably a couple of years ago. Best diary ever, I loved it, I would log onto her page like five times a day to see if she had updated it. Then one day, it was password protected. She had never answered my emails where I gushed how much I loved her. Who know's maybe she just got sick of my rambling. So it sucks, but I guess a little of her lives on with the paragraph breaker. :)

Speaking of cool online journal people though, my oldie actually reminds me a lot like ladiebug although my oldie had some awesome personality quirks that I had gotten to know that were always so funnny to read about. Made her uniquely her. Not that ladiebug isn't unique too. She's swell, and nifty.

Anyways. Where to start, what to talk about?

I was in D.C. y'll if you wondered and missed me. You didn't miss too much. I guess I've been there before and that kind of took out most of (if any) excitment for this trip. Besides, it was spent mostly driving there and back. (And well, driving around D.C. lost while I listened to my mom and dad bicker to each other...No, I think you should have turned left back there, that's what *I* told you...) [sigh.]

Funny you mentioned the Air & Space Museum, as the place to go..... My first trip there, my group stopped there. It was late, my friends and I were tired. We *really* didn't feel like looking at another museum or what not. So we go to the planetarium, and we all still laugh about it today....best five dollar nap,we've ever had. Ah, I'm serious, it felt so good to drift off to sleep in there.

We did go this trip too. But just to eat at their cafeteria. Yum.

Night tour was alright, hotels kind of sucked, my sis's apt. is nice, but neighborhood is all ESL mom's with their kids....i think it will be hard for her to meet friends and girls around her age. She's also not getting the kind of job offers she wants. (But hey, when you major in economics, and start interviewing at Law Firms, I don't know what you expect...all they can give you is receptionist, ya know?)

I got to catch up on sleep, and that was great. Definitly was not sleeping enough with all the work I'm doing. I also started and finished a book. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Good stuff. I'll have to watch the movie.

How dorky am I? I just go into the "School Reading" section of our library and pick out books that I've "heard of" and just read them. I don't know, it's like when else am I going to read these books? No one ever assigned me Moby Dick, so I had to take it on myself to read it. (Also good stuff ;)

[chants...]Everyone at my restaurant wants a little Aglaia loving! Haha, I swear, i'm the shit over there. Just playing, (sort of ;) it's such an ego inflation, they need to calm it down. Worked with a guy named Joe today. I've never worked directly with him. (Like I've hosted while he was on shift, but never served with him.)

Today we were both upstairs working together. He's a doll. Actually, no he's not, but he's a cutie. He dyed his hair super neon blond. I think it's fab, i'm always into doing something random and gutsy like that. He said he never dyed it before, but figured he had to shave it off in three weeks so why not... (I think he may..be going into the armed forces or something?) But I think all the attention and the "what the hell did you do?" talk put him in this great upbeat mood, and it totally rubbed off on to me. I was so full of laughter and such, made for a fun night.

We started messing around towards the end of the night though when he was trying to use the computer and I was still up at it organizing my slips. So I was kind of joking, and getting it his way, blocking his view and throwing his hands away everytime he tried to put something into the computer. We were getting kind of rowdy and his hands and arms were wrapped around me from behind trying to move me out of the way just laughing and such. Then finally I just let him get in and he was like, how about next time I just take you out? Okay, I said. Where to? Anywhere you want.

Ha. Like I could. I am (so far :) faithful to my dear Jeff. But, we were joking anyway, so I'm not going to worry about it. I think I have a couple of "dates" that need to be scheduled around the work place that were made jokingly. It's always easiest to do it that way. If it falls through, it was just a joke. If I take them up seriously, then they get a date. Yeah. ;)

But all it really made me think, was how much I did want to see Jeff. I missed him on my trip. So when I got home from work, I gave him a call. A while later he picked me up and we went to his house. His brother, funny as always, trying to hang out with us like buddies. Didn't bother me, but eventually Jeff told him to get out of his room. Not like we were doing anything. We always watch our movies. :) We watched Fight Club. I saw it in the theaters and really loved it. Thought the ending was dumb (like the very ending, not the twist) but not enough to ruin the core stuff of the flick. We just kind of held each other, and watched and talk.

I got to meet his mom, who had been wanting to meet me.. and he told me how bored he was when i was gone, and how his weekend is going to be so awesome now that he's seen me. How cute is that?

I know it's weird to jump from one guy to the next in this journal but....my life revolves around it I guess. ;)

Bryan is leaving on August 17th. I feel like...this Sunday is sort of my last chance to say goodbye to him. I don't know if he will work the one after or not. I just, I still would like to have one last "hang out" time with him. Like Anain would say, love is pure honesty. I would just want to tell him everything. I still do. It doesn't matter if he wants to know, or care's to know...or especially when I was dating other guys as well as him...he doesn't need to know, but I wanted to anyway. He really is so brilliant. I can't help it. Bryan touched a cord in me that I didn't even know was humming until he was completely grasped out of my life.

Maybe it won't matter to say something, to try something. But at least I can attempt to get snaps for trying at least within myself. He is, after all leaving, how much more damage can I do by giving it a try. I think, I'm going to ask him, what he is doing after work on Sunday. And then I'll ask him if he wants to go grab some coffee or something. It feels cheesy, and I don't even know what, but just putting it out there. Proffering a little of myself, my time to him. I really want him to take it.

God, I wish he had responded to my email letter.

Didn't any of that mean anything to him? I mean did he get it? I just don't know. I don't know anything. I don't want to be overdramatic, I keep swinging to these differing sides. At one moment, I can recal his mind, swirling, so beautiful, and the next second, I think he's a jerk, and I'm so turned off. I don't know what I want to say to him. I don't know if I want to turn to bubbles, and blow words of gracious thank you's for everything he made me think about, praising his incredible intelligence or.... sit there silently and see what he has to say.

Can I ask him about April? Did he ever find his closure, or is it still a wound, merely buried in hope that it'll all fade away. Does he fear NYC, or is he genuinely excited, hopeful to rid himself of Ohio?

And what was I? Was I anything?

I feel so used sometimes when I think about it.

I don't know what I'm waiting for. Drippings from the table, just one word that would say that I was more than just some silly girl.

Would that make it okay? Could I finally put him to rest? Is it too sad that I hope that we'll have a talk, and it'll be wonderful, and we'll keep in touch. He's going to do so well, I know it. God, he made me love life, see trees and light in poetry lyrics and song, and dream of romantic grand things.

How can you tell someone that, without sounding so naive and young?

And how can you let someone slip away with never telling them what they did do for you.

I just don't know.