Dear Jeff�I have been thinking a lot about us lately. I know the best thing in any relationship is to share your thoughts and to not let things sit inside of you. I�m always so scared to talk to you about things because I�m scared of how you�ll react or what you say. I don�t want to hurt you or judge you or�.lose you. That, most of all. You are the most important thing in my life. You are my best friend. (My only friend?) You know me better than anyone else, even my family and the idea of putting something so important in jeopardy makes my stomach sink.

Two years ago when we graduated I thought it was only a matter of time before we got engaged. In fact, I actually thought you might propose on graduation day. Perhaps it�s just that girly side of me caught up in the passion at the height of so much promise for our future but I still thought it was a possibility. When you didn�t I wasn�t surprised. I told myself (and have continued to tell myself) that getting married wasn�t important. I had other things to concern myself with like getting a job and starting a life. I was young, just out of school and in no rush. I continued to tell inquiring friends and family that the things that really mattered about a relationship�the love, the commitment�I had that. Did I really need a fancy wedding, a ring, a certificate to make that any more real?

Maybe it�s just society whispering in my ear but the truth is deep down I DID want to get married and if you would have asked me I would have been so happy. After a year with nothing and I finally got up the courage to ask you�at least to throw the idea of marriage out there I was relieved to hear that it was something that you wanted too. But not yet. I wasn�t completely bought on the idea on why we couldn�t get engaged. You used the same story of not having any money, not having job security�not having the right something to be able to go to my dad with a proud request to ask for his permission to marry his daughter. It was a romantic idea but�.unnecessary. Many people marry without money. My parents would have given him their blessing and I think they would have been thrilled with the idea. But even though I threw those things out there he rejected it.

When I would bring it up again he would shuffle the topic in a new direction. So much so that he almost got angry one time telling me he did NOT want to talk about it and that I would �ruin� the surprise if I did. Right. Throughout these quick conversations I got the impression that his idea of �marriage� was different than mine. I think he too was wrapped up in society�s pressures. I think he felt he would have to buy a house, settle down, spend tons of money on some lavish wedding. The idea of it all was just overwhelming to him. Both on the part of not having a job (and down the line, not having a job he liked) and the idea of becoming a J.Crew dad that BBQs with neighbors, who only watches the news and goes to bed at 9pm. Not that his J.Crew vision (or nightmare?) is all that bad but it IS a tad dated for a young 20-something right out of college. He wanted to go out and party and I think he thought if he were married he wouldn�t be �allowed� to do that.

Even when I told him that I DIDN�T need a big wedding or even a ring to announce an official engagement (I don�t wear jewelry and I honestly could care less�and I can never compete with my sister�s 37K knockout diamond) he wouldn�t listen. Even when I told him that my parents would rather us be engaged or married than to live together and not be and that they would of course give the �ok� for us to marry. Still, I got nothing. I tried not to let this bother me but as time continued on it became more and more of an enigma. Why exactly was he so against even talking about getting married?
If he would ask me tomorrow (or when I walked through the door on my return trip from the meeting�..) to marry I couldn�t honestly accept. I think I could be with Jeff and it would be okay and we both would still get a lot of out each other and the relationship but I think there could be more. And at this point with how far I�ve gone and how far my thought process has taken me I�m not sure if I can go back.

It doesn�t mean I�ll break up and not feel a thing. The idea of all this makes me sick and sad. Wistful. I think of us and all the promise and I�m sad it didn�t turn out as good as I hoped. I�m sad I allowed myself to let things fester for so long rather than attack them as they appeared. Had we done that then perhaps things would be different. But, ultimately the issues we face would still be here. And the things that I now consider to be really important�I don�t want to have to bury these sides of me. Yes, I can find a life outside of Jeff and still be WITH him but things like my spirituality and general discussion about life and community, I want to be able to share and grow with my partner. Making those connections with him�I feel like we�ve stopped making them. When that began to drift away so did my sexual excitement. I feel so dead sometimes and I cannot will myself to simply be sexual on demand. My body is speaking truths where my mouth will not.

I hope we are able to talk, to openly share and to come to a mutual agreement that we should �take a break� (as he always says). It won�t be easy. We will both probably cry. But I hope so much that once it�s been decided that we can hug, that we can hold and we can somehow support each other through the transition into the next part of our lives as individuals again. I can�t�.lose him. That�s what makes this the hardest. I am breaking his heart and losing my best friend. I know after this all comes out that we probably won�t ever be just good friends. I don�t know how you can be so intimate with someone and then fine that really good place again without having everything else flood in. But I hope we can still be with each other and accept the circumstances and make this break as best as possible.

The other two scenarios�which I�m not sure which is worse�is he could flip out, be angry, hurt, ignore me or even possibly be mean or cruel (the idea of walking into an emptied house when I return my trip has flashed across my mind) or the other emotional side of it is he could beg for us to stick it out and make it work. If it�s bad and angry then I think it will be that much harder for both of us to cope and move on. If he begs me to stay I don�t know if I�ll be able to stand my ground and say no. Partly because I don�t know if that�s what I should do and partly because it�s easier to say okay than to stand and continue to hurt and reject him more.

In the ideal scenario�.I don�t know if he�ll be silent and sad or if he�ll agree and say �me too.� Does �me too� hurt? Do I want him to say he doesn�t really love me anymore or that he�s not getting anything out of this relationship? Of course not. Do I want to think about him liking other girls, dating other people, being intimate? No, it crushes my heart to even consider it. This won�t be easy no matter the results. I just hope we can do it together. I don�t know how else we can do it if it�s not mutual. Especially since we don�t have any friends here other than each other and (most of all) because we live together!