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You "might" have broken your foot

16 July 2006

So where are we? Better, same, worse? I don't really have an answer. At times it seems like Jeff and I are in this new, good place and at other times it's more confused and mixed up than ever. I feel like I'm continually being tested and forced to prove that I really want to be with him. I understand his hesitancy to just welcome me back but at the same time I need to him to be completely here to make us better and to make us work. I feel like we're both so sensitive to everything it's hard to move forward when you're constantly questioning everything.

The things that don't have meaning or area easily worked through in a normal relationship are now stopped and examined for purpose and meaning. Does this mean we shouldn't be together? Does that mean another person is better suited for me (or him)?

It's exhausting and frustrating and I don't think there's really away out of it other than to make some choices and go with it. I'm prepared and ready to choose Jeff and do this and I just wish Jeff could get to that point as well. Even, if when he finally gets 'there' it's to say he doesn't want to be with me--I would rather just know and be able to move forward.







I find I avoid coming here because I don't have anything to say. Or the things on my mind have already been said.







I injured my foot over the Fourth of July weekend. I slipped on the stairs while at my parents house. The heel on my right shoe went out and my foot flipped over and rode all the stairs down (top down). I had things in both of my hands so I couldn't really grab out at anything to catch myself but instead slid down with my hands balanced against the walls (I actually had a burn on my thumb for pressing so hard against the walls).

As I hit the bottom my family came running and I saw (with some horror) as my right foot ballooned right in front of me. I've never seen anything swell so quickly. It was both fascinating and disgusting and was very unsettling to watch. I was in pain but not awful, mostly I was just upset with the image because there was this huge swell on my foot along with massive bruising.

My dad drove me to urgent care where x-rays were taken. It was hard to see with all the swelling but the doctor didn't think I had broken anything. He recommended I use crutches for the next couple of days and within a week I would be walking again.

I've never hurt anything before like that. And I've never used crutches. I was pretty awful at first. My family was very helpful but surprisingly, Jeff wasn't. You would think with the state of things between us you would step up to the opportunity to really show your love and compassion (er, that's how I think I would have reacted). Instead, it just seemed like a bother to him. He was definitely not thrilled with the fact that he had to (1) drive us all the way home back to Chicago and (2) help me carry all my stuff up into my apartment. I didn't understand that reaction at all.

I injured it on July 2nd and was back home by the evening of the 4th. By the 6th I could sort of walk on it and things seemed to look better, although it was still badly bruised and the swelling was pretty gross. Then, all of a sudden on the following Sunday (9th) my foot re-ballooned and the bruising had changed. I was really concerned and didn't know what to do.

My toes had turned purple and the swelling was really awful--it felt like my toes were going to pop off. I called urgent care (back at home) but they didn't seem too concerned. I got more of the same (ice, elevation and stay off of it).

I decided on Monday to try to get in with a foot specialist. Although I had been working from home I was really beginning to panic with both the worry over my foot and my work load. One of "my" meetings was scheduled for this weekend and I had a lot of last minute things to do, including getting handouts copied, shipped and other items prepared for onsite management. Besides the meeting I also had a lot of other deadlines for other projects I was working on. I felt completely overwhelmed and miserable.

I was able to secure an appointment for Thursday (7/13). Since I was still completely crutchess bound I decided to relinquish power over my meeting and give it to other people in the department. It's pretty disappointing because you spend so many months preparing for something and then you don't even see it all come together. And while being onsite means long hours and little sleep (and you're there all weekend), you still get to enjoy a nice hotel and fabulous dinners every night at some of the top restaurants.

But, I decided I would probably be more in the way than helpful if I went down to lead it. I couldn't carry anything, I'm slow moving and the crutches make everything awkward. Thankfully my boss took over and was able to get a lot of the last minute things done for me. I feel a little delinquent even though I know it's not my "fault" that my foot is injured. It's just really frustrating not to be working at your most efficient state. The only good thing is that I got my weekend back. :-)

So, I got to the foot doctor on Thursday and it was a pretty unpleasant experience all over. First, it's downtown and since I can't really hobble all the way to the train station and I can't drive I have to take an expensive taxi down and back. Then, I wait almost two hours in the sitting area before they finally call me in. I mean, that's rediculous. I almost brought a book with me, but then didn't because it was too awkward to carry both a purse and do the crutches. To add insult, there was no reading material in the sitting area. What kind of doctor's office doesn't have magazines?

Argh.

So, I finally go in and get new x-rays done. The doctor walks in along with a resident. He checks out my foot, examines the x-rays and in a "aw, shucks" manner asks the resident what he thinks (and it's hard to explain without imitating his voice, but it was very much like "gee whiz, looky, a foot injury, what do we do?"). I'm not sure what to think of this. Is the doctor just backwards (er, you are a foot specialist, right?) or is he just trying to give his resident something to do?

The resident rattles off some "yadda yadda syndrome" (what, syndrome?!) and the doctor says no. Goes back to pressing his fingers into all of the painful places in my foot and finally looks up and kind of announces in this big, overly formal way, "WELL, you might have broken some bones, but...well, I dunno."

At this point I'm just staring and smiling patiently....because, surely, if you don't know (and that's a little scary that you don't)...shouldn't there be a next step to find out if I really did or not?

He kind of shrugs his shoulders, says he doesn't know again and tells me he's going to get me a walking brace so I can get off the crutches. (Okay, that's great, but what about that broken bone thing again?)

He basically says he doesn't think I need surgery and the bones will heal on themselves. If I broke something I'm looking at a few months of recovery and if I didn't....hey, maybe a few weeks.

It was so weird and I was speechless. He's supposed to be an expert and I really don't know what to say or what to ask. And I'm just trying to think of anything so I feel a little more settled. Finally I ask him if I should come back for a follow-up and I get the same kind of "Yeah, sure, if you want to come back you can set up an appointment."

And I felt like....wait, if I want to? Or, I should? Do I need to come back? Are you really a foot specialist? What the hell is going on here?

So, I booked a follow up appointment and left feeling extremely bummed about knowing my foot could be out of it for months and that my doctor appeared to not know or not care about what he was doing.

Was that some weird show for the resident?

Does he only care about cases that involve surgery (he's an orthopedic surgeon)?

Is this really nothing to concern myself with?

I don't know. At first the brace or "boot" was great. I was off the crutches and finally able to walk a bit. But, whereas before I didn't have much pain unless if I bumped it or put pressure on it I was now in constant pain.

The next day I drove into work. I had drove a couple of other times...one time partly using my injured foot while having assistance on the break with my left foot...and another time using my left foot completely with my right foot/leg on the passenger side seat.

I decided to go with the left foot all the way method. I kept wondering if I was breaking some law. Am I allowed to 'straddle' my two front seats? Am I allowed to drive with my left foot at all?

I don't know, but I simply couldn't miss any more work. Plus, I was apparently at risk of being placed on probation seeing as I had violated the work-at-home policy (little did I know there was some big controversy with other people abusing our work from home policy). So, even though I had a valid reason to work from home, since I had done it over consecutive days and yadda yadda (there are there little rules and procedures to do it right), I guess I was supposed to have taken sick days rather than say I was working from home.

I don't know, that probably didn't make sense, but basically I was (sort of) in trouble for a dumb reason, even though everyone knew I wasn't just staying at home and playing or watching tv.

So, the next day my foot is just in constant pain...usually just throbbing and at other times there was shooting pain that completely took my breath away. I don't know what to do at this point. Some people think I should get a second opinion which I am not necessarily against, but the timing for all of this is really inconvenient. So, since then I've sort of half done boot, half done crutches or hopping. The boot is convenient but I think since my injury is on the top of my foot it just puts too much pressure on it.

I leave for Dallas next Thursday to visit a friend so there really wasn't a lot of time to try to get in with another specialist. Between missing work and then leaving for a vacation, I didn't really feel good about taking more time to go to another doctor's appointment. And, all the specialists are downtown (at least, the ones that take my insurance) so that would involve another expensive cab trip.

So, I just decided to wait it out and see how things go over the next week. If my foot really takes a turn for the worse I'll try to see someone sooner but if not I'll just keep my first week of August appointment and see how things go.

This has all been very frustrating and it sucks being essentially house bound. Little trips like walking three blocks to get to the bank are now out of the question. It's too far for crutches, and while the boot is helpful I still have to take it very slowly (each step hurts) and carefully.

Besides all that I was already struggling with some major body image issues. I have disordered eating habits and while I have never trusted myself with food I am a regular gym goer. I'm usually at the gym 6 days a week so going from something quite regular to nothing at all, that's a pretty drastic change. Sure, it was fun to not have to go to the gym for a week but now it's just one more thing contributing to my pants not fitting.

So, i'm stressed with work, depressed with my body, confused over jeff and really bummed over my foot. Weee, life is fun.

At least it's warm and beautiful outside and I've still been able to enjoy the sunshine even with my foot. Plus, my roommates have been wonderful and really supportive, so that's been great.






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