Okay, so I wrote the above a couple of days ago. I�ll have these moments where I feel like updating but it�s kind of hard to do when you�re sitting mere inches away from someone else at the same table. Not that he cares what I�m doing or writing but if I saw him there writing out a book I�d be curious as to what he was doing. So I stopped when he came through the door.

It�s interesting how our dark days coincide sometimes. I felt he had been �distant� all of a sudden and asked him if there was something wrong�if it was me. He admitted he had been in a �funk� and he didn�t know why. Yeah, that�s my life story, isn�t it fun? Now just add a horrible daily headache, painful heart palpitations and you�d be me!

I have very obviously rejected his sexual advances these last few days. As much I say to myself when he�s not around that I�ll be better. That I�ll be the initiator. That I�ll blow his mind (among other things�) but then when an opportunity presents I just feel crushed by the boredom and utter lack of interest. I keep trying to get myself excited and say it�s for him that I should do it for him but my �positive thinking� method does not seem to be working. So fine, I don�t initiate�but then why can�t I at least play along when he does?

The problem (at least my excuse for now) is that when I crawl into bed I am there to sleep. I stay up as late as I feel comfortable doing without feeling too tired the next day and from the moment I begin my night time routine to the moment I walk out the door I�m on a time schedule and I like to keep it. So not only is sex not on the agenda when we go to sleep it annoys me because I want to make sure I get enough hours in so I feel functionable the next day. And what a bratty thought that is!

I mean, c�mon, he�s your boyfriend!

Sigh.

And even though I think you should do this, just turn over and kiss him. Do what ever you have to do to make your body work�do this, please. But, eventually, I give up and turn over and hope he just spoons me and falls asleep. We were drifting off to sleep last night and I was just kind of caressing his stomach while we both laid on our backs and he asked me for �side kisses.� This is kind of like code for go down on me. But, I out right denied him. Not only did I not bother to at least take a minute or two to shower his belly with kisses I just told him, �uh, no�I�m just going to sleep.� Lol, it�s funny only because if I didn�t laugh I would cry. It�s so pathetic. I feel pathetic.

Then, this morning, I had an extra hour to sleep because I was going downtown for a one-day conference/show I was attending and instead of allowing me this extra, blessed hour of sleep he arouses around the normal time we get up and begins to �initiate� sex. He�s kissing me, touching me, even going down on me which he hasn�t tried in forever (and, of course, I appreciate the effort but it still makes me squeamish so I�d really rather he didn�t�.) and I�m lying there just thinking�agh, I just want to sleep. Get up and shower already so it won�t ruin MY schedule.

It feels so selfish�well, because it is. And, he did �run over� into my morning time. By about 15 minutes and I tried my hardest to simply be pleasant and act like it didn�t bother me�.he did after all practically make love to my body for an hour and he got nothing out of the deal�.but I didn�t want to �do it� �I wanted to sleep.

It�s sad and I�m disappointed in myself.

I saw Angelina Jolie on Actor�s Studio on Bravo and she was just fabulous. What a beautiful woman inside and out. She just seems like someone I would love to be friends with. Very connected to herself and reality on a level that so many people never get close to attaining. And I�m not saying she has everything put together or is perfect or anything like that, but that important element, that awakening�she is awake. Plus, she just oozes sexuality so it�s hard to not find her at least a little bit mesmerizing. :-)

I miss having passionate people in my life. I feel very bored. And yes I know, only boring people get bored but it does help to have someone or something to inspire you. I�m feeling a bit uninspired here. While I like my work it�s more frustrating and overwhelming than satisfying at this point. There�s so much I don�t know how to do and no one in the office seems to know how to help me and my supervisor is out of the office half the time doing who knows what and when I do speak to her I leave feeling just as confused with the information she provides. It�s like everyone in that office has never worked with a �new� person before because they act like I should (and do) know everything. And not in a mean spirited way just�..like they don�t even think about the fact that I DON�T know a lot, often about things that I couldn�t or shouldn�t know because...it�s so unique to their organization that why would I? Am when I express my confusion or provide them with my smiling but blank face they don�t seem to mind that I don�t know�but no one is making that extra effort to really guide me to that inner loop of things. Mostly, because they don�t know what I�m supposed to be doing either!

But, it�s like I�ll get an email saying something like, �XYZ Company will be doing a new demo workshop. We�ll need to send them an invoice, put them into the program, update the database and adjust the online listing.� I�m like�yes, these all sound like nice things. First, (er) what�s a demo workshop? Second, how do I invoice? Third, where all in the program is this referenced? In which file (of your many, multi database system) is the correct and most recent version? What all in the database needs to be updated�what are the steps (and what database)? How do I update the online listing?

And this is my day�all day long. I am constantly beat down by the fact that I don�t know how to do ANYTHING and that each step of the process is like pulling teeth to move on to the next.

So, as I said�.the work, keeping me busy and even though it�s not exactly pleasant right now because it�s hard on my soul to be constantly asking for help, I think I will actually like doing it. ;) Or, so I keep telling myself (no really�.) Ah.

I just want a really cool, funky, interesting person to enter my life. There�s this girl who works at my gym who I�m very attracted to. Not, like I want to jump her bones (although, she is very cute and petite) but more like she�s got her own style and is always so friendly. She�s always reading these interesting spiritual like books or chatting with others at the front desk on topics that I wouldn�t mind jumping in on myself. She looks young�perhaps more college aged? (ah, yes at 24 I am so old, right? ;) I get kind of excited when she�s working the desk when I come in like he�s some �hot guy� I have a crush on, isn�t that funny?

That�s how desperate I am to find a friend. I just want someone I can go hang out with.

I don�t know, Jeff and I cycle in and cycle through. The no-sex issue is a big one. We�ve probably been having sex twice a month�always him initiating and always quick, short and likely only semi-satisfying for him. I�d like to give him more but I�m never in the mood. And even if I am feeling horny I�d rather just go be alone and take care of business on my own. It�s not fair for him.