11 April 2003

So what's been happening?

Well, the past week has been pretty internally stressful. There were some circumstances that led to a situation where I had to make the choice if I would carry out my double major (Communications + Women's Studies-WS), or take a light load this quarter (drop WS). It was a really tough choice. I didn't know what was "right" or what I was really basing my decision on. I felt completely confused, and my thoughts were all over the place making it even harder.

When I approached my friends/family with the question it seemed everyone was in "agreeance" (haha) that it was only ten weeks (before I graduate) and that I had got this close, it was worth doing, and that I would regret not completing the double. And part of me understood their argument, because outside looking in, sure, it's easy to say "just do it" because they weren't the ones in my situation. But there was one person who disagreed.

But does he exist? I have had "internet buddies" since I discovered the Internet. In fact, my first experience with 'net life at all was through chat rooms--and not even those that you typed in, but those that you actually spoke into a microphone and heard each other's voices. I have always had a technology based family (two brother computer nerds :) so we always ahead of everyone.

I was addicted. Most of the world had yet to discover the 'net, and here I was, 7th or 8th grade, talking to all these different people across the world. It was wonderful. Then came mIRC, and that was fabulous too. I was actually on there so much, I had my own chat room...and what's worse, I had groupies. Haha, I remember getting on and people had opened up "my" room (under my screenname) just sitting in there...waiting for me, and others. Pretty pathetic, huh? But it was...amazing to be able to reach out and talk to the most bizarre of humanity.

I remember feeling so young. No one would talk to me, because of my age. It was so insulting. Now, ten days til my 22nd birthday, I understand why so many people wouldn't talk to me. I was so naive! I remember there would be these sex rooms with titles like "I want to suck your clit" and I thought clit was a typo for "tit"--some typo, huh?

I had no idea what a clitoris was.

But I had "friends." There was a guy from NY a little older than I, terribly nerdy, but fascinating to talk to anyway. We could share our fears, our hopes without worrying about being judged. But that's not true. I judged him. I thought he was a nerd after all, right? ;) But, more importantly, we didn't really care about our shortcomings or why else would we come back?

I remember when he first had sex, it was so shocking. Haha, and it wasn't even vaginal, it was anal, and I was completly freaked out. He said it was so she wouldn't get pregnant..and that she liked it. I thought it was crazy.

But this was past middle school, that makes him sound all advanced, haha, no this was into high school. Probably my first 'net buddy that lasted a long time. We hit on a lot of "coming of age" issues. I think it's good to have someone like that.

And I've had "net friends" here and there, who I do not really know, but I don't really care. Their advice, their stories...that's the attraction. Probably he has been through the most with me. All of our confusions about life, shared. Perhaps me more so than him. He's always been wonderfully good to me. I don't understand why sometimes. He...impacted my life in away I never really thanked him for. I had a lot of spiritual issues, and somehow God found him, and used him. He actually sent me a book that changed my life--and he never even read it. Something inspired him to purchase this book and send it to me, because of what he had heard about it. Isn't that wild?

Thank you, swiftheart.

Am I wandering? I'm drinking wine. If you like a light, fruity wine, I recommend, "Giesen" from Marlborough. It's a sauvignon Blanc and probably my favorite wine. Oh so more sophisticated than a white zin (my boss calls it grandma wine ;) but still drinkable, for those who aren't big on wine.

So internet friends, yes. Friends may be a stretch of the word, but perhaps internet acquaintances (sp?) that ebb in and out of your internet life, they still influence you...whether big or small, they leave an impact. I've carried on many conversations through emails with people. I used to love going through yahoo ads and just trying to find interesting people to talk to.

So to complete the circle, about internet people affecting your life, there is a person named "state route" who wrote me an email. An encouraging email that went against everything all my "real" friends/family told me concerning my double major, and the email spoke to me. And I was...confused after I read it, only because I didn't know who had the better insight. The person who reads my diary, and gets short snippets of my thoughts, or people who interact with me frequently?

I didn't know. I don't really talk about school to people I know, other than this is what class I'm taking, etc. But state route, he seemed to know everything i was feeling. So I took a deep breath (after a week or so of thinking about it) and decided I would drop a couple of classes, keeping one WS course, and picking up an archery (to maintain full time status, gotta keep the loans coming ;) and that was that.

It was such a great feeling. Ahhh, I felt so good walking out of my Comm. advisor's office. So free and excited about the quarter. My last quarter! ever. Unless if I go back to school sometime in my life. Which I'd be okay with. I'd love to even eventually get a PHd sometime in my life. But first, let's figure out what i'd like to do with my life, before I'm school for the rest of it!

So it was pretty much decided in my head that I would stick it out with my major until I read stateroute's email, so he basically influenced me over everyone else to drop my major. Which is kind of interesting, because had I never "met" him, my future would look different.

And whether good or not, some of the initial circumstance that led me to this problem of whether I should keep the major or not....they ended up being resolved, the day after I dropped my courses. So really, perhaps it would have been better to never have been influenced by the email. BUT, I still decided to NOT pick up the major (again) and to carry out my quarter a little less stressful.

Did I make the right decision? Who the fuck cares, ahhh, I'm drunk. haha. No, but yeah....I mean, after being constantly concerned with what to do...just having a decision made, I really don't care anymore. But it does feel pretty awesome to be where I am right now. This will be a fun quarter. And, I think stateroute had it right...WS while personally satisfying in many ways, I never really intended to use my experience professionally (although who could say).

So last week, one of my closest girlfriends lost her virginity. Wow! She'll be 22 in June. If you're a virgin, it's all good, because I have a lot of girlfriends who are still virgins, or who waited relatively late. I mean, I feel I was "late" in that I had sex...well like a week before I turned 19.

But, I mean she had sex with this guy...who she's friends with, but...not even good friends. More of this weird relationship in which when they see each other they flirt a lot, and occasionally make out or whatever. And then she goes and have sex with him out of no where. And the guy, isn't exactly the best guy, he has a reputation for being a jerk, but...she seems to see something in him.

I mean, I don't even know if she would want a relationship with him. I don't know if the sexual attraction just overcame her or what but...

Even so, you feel happy for someone when they do, because it is this new thing, this...I guess if you were a virgin for a long time (I'd say anytime after HS) you develop this protection. You take some sense of pride in your virgnity. And it's not like she couldn't have lost it very easily. She's really cute, nice body, smart, funny, involved, etc. I mean she's a good package, but for whatever reason she's never been in a relationship in college. I'd say she's too picky.

I have to go. Sorry to leave you hanging :)