|
-
03 July 2009
I'm home for Fourth of July. Not sure why. Jeff and I are driving back here in two weeks for our "stateside reception." Plus, next week I'll be living out of a hotel from Tue-Sun for a conference so it would have been nice to just had the downtime at home. Er, my apartment in Chicago...not my parents home. I only got in a teeny little "disagreement" with my Mom this weekend. I was being a brat (as usual). But, I'm only being a brat because I don't have the energy to fake it with her. As I get older I get a lot less timid and that may make me a bitch but it's also very freeing. If I don't like something, why I should I pretend to just because it's the "right thing to do." There are times to play along but you shouldn't have to do that with family. You should be allowed to be honest. Completely honest, even if it doesn't sound good coming out. I'm not saying I'm proud to be owner of some of my thoughts, feelings and actions but they are me and I don't have the energy to stress about it. I stress about everything. I am on constant worry alert. So, between friends and family, I apologize but I'm not going to watch my words or my actions, I'm just going to be me. Raw, me. I basically told my mom that the reason I didn't call back my sister after my wedding is because I didn't want to talk to her. I had nothing to say. Gee sis, thanks so much for not going to Greece and missing my wedding. It was great, the trip was awesome. Thanks again for not coming! I mean, she didn't come. What else is there to say? I went to Greece to get married...and I did. You weren't there. That's fine, it really is. Honestly, it would have been stressful to have her there because I would have been worried about her judging me. But, what am I supposed to say? I'm not a phone person. I had already forwarded her the link to all the group photos. She had already talked to mom about it so she heard about everything. Yes, fine, I'm a brat, I didn't return her call. If it makes her feel better, I also didn't call one of my friends who also was unable to attend, and had called to see how things went. I don't know. I just....there's nothing to say. These were both people who were supposed to be there. But they weren't. They let me down. I've accepted that but I don't really have anything to say about it. When I finally did talk to my sister it was stiff. I don't really care what she thinks. Whether she knows or remembers...what I remember of us growing up is her never being there. And when she was, she was mean to me and my younger brother. She was stuck up and I thought she was a bit of a snob. I'm so happy she married a really amazing guy who is laid back and just and all-around good person. Anyway, off topic. But, perhaps I shouldn't have told my mom I didn't care. But, I don't care. And, it's a big enough issue that I don't want to stress about it. I *did* plan on calling my sister back. I just hadn't had the time. And while that is a lame excuse, it is true. Or, more accurately, I hadn't made the time to call. The phone being the central issue. Really. Had she emailed I would have responded immediately. But, I don't really do phones. I'll go for days without even looking at it and realizing I have a voice message. It's something I need and it's something I use if [I] need to make a phone call but it's never the way to get a hold of me. I'll be sitting right next to it when it starts to ring and I won't even hear it. I completely block it out. I don't do phones and everyone knows that. But, I figured I would call my sister when I had [ahem, made] time and when I had something to say beyond "yes, I'm married." Honestly, when you've been dating someone for nine years, you already live together and you go and get married, it's just not a big deal. Yes, marriage is a big deal but we've been dating for a long time, the engagement lasted 13 months, she heard all about the planning and how it would go. So, it's like...I don't know, I don't know why she even cared.
I think that's actually the issue. I DON'T CARE. She's offended that I don't thank her for everything she does because she's so thoughtful, blah blah blah, but the truth is her efforts are lost on me. I didn't ask her to call. I didn't expect her to call. When she told me she wouldn't be coming to Greece I was a bit shocked only because if the situation was reversed I would have gone. Maybe I would feel differently with a kid but I don't think so. That is just something you do. When your sister gets married, you just find a way to make it happen so you can be there.
If it had been a financial issue I would have understood. My older brother also did not attend. But, I never really thought he would. His wife hates to travel and they don't have a lot of money. But my sister does travel and she does have money. A lot of it. I think having a child did influence their decision but it wouldn't surprise me if they (they being my sister and brother in law), looked at a calendar and thought, "hmm, this really doesn't work with my vacation schedule" and that's why they didn't go. I think they had other ides on how they wanted to spend their time and their money --and that's fine--but I think that's what it was. What's crazy is that I'm just...annoyed she didn't come. I'm offended only because *I* would have gone. The genuine fact that she/ wasn't there....I don't really care. I know that's a horrible thing to say, but I really didn't. Sure, it would have been nice to have her there but...no, we aren't close so it was fine. Ditto for my brother. I would have loved to see him because it seems like I only get to see him once a year. I also know he would have loved to visit Greece, with or without his family. But, we aren't close and he doesn't have the money so it seemed okay he wouldn't be making the trip. The truth is, had having all my siblings there been a major factor I wouldn't have done it. I knew who I needed/wanted to be there --my younger brother, my parents and my best friend. Once I had their commitment (and blessing) I was moving forward. I would have paid out of pocket to have my little brother there. We are close and it was important to share that with him. Anyway, I'm annoyed that I even have to feel bad about this at all. I shouldn't have to feel guilty about not calling my sister. Or not caring that she didn't attend my wedding. Because, it's truth, it's my reality, and it is and I should be allowed to say it aloud even if it is hurtful. I didn't tell my sister that I didn't care if she was there or not, I wouldn't do that and I wouldn't want to be told that (even if true) but I shouldn't have to cover that feeling up when talking one-on-one with other people. I'm okay with them thinking I'm a horrible person (sort of ok), but... I don't know. My mom keeps saying that my sister is trying to reach out and keep a bond going. My feeling is....what bond? Also, she lives out of state. We live in different worlds. She has a child. Maybe if I had a child it would be different. Actually, I think it *will* be different. But, for right now....I have a hard time maintaining a close relationship with my friends who live in the same city as me. That's how I am. There is my work, my health and leisure, and my husband. Those are my driving day-to-day factors. I'm sort of a spaz and I'm constantly stressing and between worrying about work, me and Jeff there's not a lot left to give to other people. Not something I like and not a way of life that I approve or endorse, but it is how I live. More importantly, it's how I've always lived. Not likely to change anytime soon.
About a week ago I felt really depressed. The type I used to experience in waves. I suppose the waves still flow. It is a more mature depression if that makes any sense. Maybe just the way someone who is chronically depressed feels. There's still a sadness. A deep, painful sadness. But what I felt last week was....defeat? I felt defeated. By what, I don't quite know but it was a very deep defeat. There was sadness but more than anything, just a submission to that feeling.
Deeper then hopelessness...but a giving into it. Is that normal? It doesn't seem normal. But then it passed. It always does. I assume it's just hormones....except I wasn't PMSing...I just felt, ugh, just, I gave up. I was done. I still feel unmotivated but I...seem to always pull myself out of it. I have too many things going on in my life and I need to be present. There are times where I wish I could just be left alone to work it out. If Jeff could just go on a vacation so I would have time to think straight. I think when the depression hits it's because I'm so flooded with insecurities and worrying about other people and what other people think of me that I wind myself up to this terrible, frantic place where I'm completely useless. I can't function. I can't think straight because I'm thinking so fast and everything is jumbled. That's where the defeat comes in. I need time to sift through it but without the time to do it I just surrender. I'm done. What's the point? The point of anything? But, a week later I'm fine. Or, at least I'm better. I am struggling but at least the deep weight is gone.
|
