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Grandmother's Passing & New Car (I Know, They Don't Go Together)
04 November 2006
My grandmother (father's side) passed away on October 3, 2006. She's been sick for a long time....really, since 2000 when she had back-to-back heart attacks, but more so in the last few years. In 2000 she had just moved into a brand new house, something that had breathed a new life in to her as it went up. I think that new house gave her the push to fight through whatever came her way. All the doctors told us to start making arrangements for her funeral and that she wouldn't make it...but she kept going and for awhile even got better. A couple of years ago she started to experience a range of symptoms that none of the doctors could explain or pinpoint to a specific disease or problem. She was up and down from this point on until about a year ago when she started to become more and more less mobile/weak and basically forced to stay in bed. Even then she was always an incredibly brave and positive woman. I never heard her complain about something. She was very into alternative medicine, though, and would always tell me about something new she was trying or reading about. She was finally diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia about six months ago. I have made an effort to go and see her every time I visited home. We weren't close but she's still my grandma and I have a lot of memories I shared with her and my family. My dad was also not that close to his mom in a lot of ways. But he visited her weekly and I think over these past few years with her being sick they had developed a new closeness and friendship. My dad is easily depressed (hey, that sounds familiar....) and I think we were all worried on how my grandma's death would affect him. Even though we were all preparing, and had been preparing for her passing it doesn't mean when it actually happens you're just okay. It's still your parent. It's still your mom. I'm glad I was able to go home and be with him and see my family. I don't know why I was surprised by Jeff came too. He basically asked, "How could I *not* go?" and it made me realize I how I both protect him and shield him from being a part of my family. I was thinking of the funeral as an abstract thing---something he didn't need to do or be a part of--and he was thinking, but this is family, so I do have to. I think sometimes I feel so bad having him come to my family things because he's so bored, but if I know it�s important to my family, then I should support and encourage him to be a part of it. I think part of that too is my own personal feelings relating to my family functions. I find them miserable myself so I wouldn't want to force anyone else to have to sit in on them. He was very sweet in coming, and his parents even came to the viewing which I thought was really good and (I was going to say awesome which sounds cheesy, but I mean in its true sense...just really amazing and good, and it was). On the drive home two bad things happen. One, my "service engine soon" light came on. My past troubles with this damn diagnostic instantly made me woozy. Two, Jeff basically throws out there that's he not really happy with where 'we' are and he's not sure what to do with that or what it means. I tell him I'm good with where we are and was feeling fine about things. I agreed we still weren't having enough sex (and when I say "enough" I don't mean by some average standard, just that I would like more and he would like more but we're still not doing it). I also brought up again the fact that I need help finding strategies to beat the monotony and create an environment where I do want sex. I'm tired every night and as much as sex is fun and I enjoy it, I would sadly choose sleep over sex....and so I do. But, if he would try to initiate sex before we climb into bed then that would work better for me. I've tried to tell him that (I admit I haven't been doing my part in initiating it either) but it doesn't seem to make a difference. By the time I get into bed I've stayed up as late as I can. I just need to be quiet and still and go to sleep so I am functional in the morning. It also doesn't help that when we hang out at his place (and it's always his place since I'm the only one with a car) that we hang out in his bedroom. So it's like we have this efficiency apartment where I come over, we briefly hang out and then I go to sleep. Anyway, I'm getting off track. I think the sex issue is and always will be a problem. I can't see how this would just magically go away at this point. It's something that we'll both have to work really hard at and I don't think it always has to be a 'problem' necessarily, but I do think it will be something that we'll have to be more creative and strategic about. It can't just be "oh, when I feel like it..." --that's what we have been doing and that does is create a cycle where he tries to initiate it when i'm trying to sleep, I reject him and he ultimatley rejects me when I try to do anything. So, but beyond the sex issue I think he was trying to say he wasn't satisfied overall. And I'm still not sure if that was him saying.....us, as we are, in general probably won't satisfy him in the long run, or if us, as we are, need to be fixed and he's letting me know we need to work on it. It felt very....like there wasn't something specifically wrong that he could point out, just that he wasn't real happy (nor sad). He's been having a bit of these random "who am I and what do I want moments" and I'm not sure if that has to do with us or his job or is simply the restless disappointment experienced with a "quarter-life crisis". It also didn't sound like he was accusing me of not living up [to something] but more he was just sharing that he wasn't where he wanted to be. I'm glad he is talking to me and we both should if we're not happy but on the otherhand it sort of felt like he was testing the relationship. He kept saying things like, "Do you want to see other people....do you want to take a break?" --and I wasn't getting the feeling that these were things HE wanted, but instead I felt like he was trying to figure me out to see if these were things I wanted. I think there's still a lot of trust issues going on with him since it was me who tried to break up. It was really uncomfortable and I didn't know what to say. For the most part I didn't say anything which was eating me up because I felt like that wasn't the "right" reaction but I had no idea what to say other than I liked where we were and I was good with moving forward (but, perhaps not now after this conversation...) After I dropped him off and drove home I just cried and cried. My mom was very nice and listened to me moan about it all. I feel bad because the only time I talk to my mom about Jeff is when he does something I didn't like or when I feel sad. No wonder she doesn't like him! I knew we needed to discuss that conversation further but I just didn't want to deal with it. I also didn't know what to say about it. It was as if he was just throwing out there that he was working through some things...and I wasn't sure how I fit into that. We never did discuss it. The next day was awkward but the day after he had a friend in town and we were off doing things and then I had someone in town and then work was busy....and so on until there's now where nothing has really been said.
Back to that "Service Engine Soon"...I had just had an oil changed and fixed a number of problems for close to $500...my car appeared to be fine and my original plan was to keep driving on it until I needed my next oil change. Obviously, this isn't the smartest decision but I had just fixed a bunch of things and I was going into holiday season, plus I needed to get my hair done (hey, that's easily $300! ;) and I just didn't want to spend any more money on the car for awhile.
But, a few days later I am driving home from work. I come to a red light and when the light turns green I go to press my gas and nothing happens. My car is on and in drive but the engine is revving as if I was in park. The nice people behind me start to honk as I turn my car on/off, on/off trying to get it to go. Finally it hiccups into drive and I'm back on the road. Hmmm, maybe I can't wait another three months to get my car looked at.... Since my car is running I keep on driving until I can get to my autoshop. I'm scared the entire way there and with Chicago traffic there's a lot of stop and go which made it a very stressful 45 minute drive to the mechanic. Thankfully, I didn't have any problems on the way there. I dropped off the car and heard from the mechanic late the next day ---there was a problem with the transmission (something they don't do) and referred me to transmission shop. I went and picked up my car and drove home. I knew I shouldn't but I continued to drive it it while I panicked about what I should do. I called the transmission place and after hearing by my problem and symptoms they estimated it would cost "at least $1500" to rebuild. First, I don't have $1500 even if I did want to fix it. Second, I drive a '97 Ford and it's total value was probably $3000. I knew I was going to have start looking for a new car in the next couple of years but it was hard to justify putting in $1500 for a car that might have another number of issues the following year. Besides, to get it fixed I would have to get a loan from my parents because I don't have it to spend . I figured if I had to get a loan I might as well get a "real" one towards a new vehicle. I began researching what I should purchase. While I bought the Ford all on my own I had come into that deal with $4K in the bank and a dad to help me look around and check things out. I wasn't sure what to expect when dealing with a tradein (and a damaged tradein at that). I had done a lot of research and looked around at what was available. I knew I wanted compact, 4-door, AC, cd-player, 2002 or newer, no more than 60K miles and no more than $8 in price. Well, I soon found out that I *could* find that deal but not for any car that was worth buying. I had actually gotten to the point where I was pretty sure I was going to buy a Dodge Neon. They were small (so cute, haha) but seemed to offer me what I would need. The fact that there were so many used Neons available for sale should have been a warning sign but they weren't on any "bad used car" lists (ahem, not on any good either) so I figured I would do it. Then, I overhead some people at work talking about the Neon. Apparently two other people had either had them before or their children did and both had experienced all kinds of problems. Now, every car experiences problems but this isn't the kind of recommendation you want. So, I scratched the Neon off my list and was back to feeling hopeless, overwhelmed and depressed. Jeff doesn�t know much about cars and either does my family so I wasn�t sure where to start. I knew the basics of what I wanted but I didn�t want to buy some awful car that would give me all kinds of problems. The search sites weren�t real helpful either b/c most want you to search by make and model. I had no clue who to look for. I knew that Hondas have a high reliability but they were also really expensive. I started looking at lease options after further discussion with my dad who seemed really worried about my safety (awww, dad!) but soon realized I couldn�t find any financing that was within my reach (oh yeah, I didn�t want to put anything down other than my trade-in, AND I didn�t want to spend more than $200/month in payments). �back to the used car search. I finally decided I would go with reliability and pay the extra bucks to do it. I was searching for used Honda and Toyota but was disappointed with what I found. I was seeing a lot of 2002s�.with 50K or more miles, anywhere from $12-15K �I mean, doesn�t that seem like WAY too much for a car that old?? Ugh, so I was still driving my car, having more and more �oops, my car isn�t going� moments and feeling more and more overwhelmed and depressed with everything. Another idea my dad had proposed was the idea of going with a new Hyundai. Their quality has apparently improved over the last few years, plus they have an amazing warranty and I might be able to get a $14-15K car �that�s BRAND NEW! So, last Tuesday, it�s October 31st. I find out about a Hyundai special going on �that ends that day. The dealership is in a far off suburb to the west. Jeff can�t go�he�s stuck at work late. All of my roommates are either working late or out-of-town. It�s just me. I�m scared to go myself, miserable with what I should do. Driving on a car that could leave me stranded somewhere was scary and I felt a lot of pressure to find something quick. After a lot of crying and a lot of �I don�t know!!� moments I finally revert back to a tried and true decision maker�.. The coin toss. Ah yes, the �coin god� has made many decisions for me in the past. Sure, it�s usually reserved for those pesky �do I want Chinese or Mexican tonight� musings but tonight it was �should I go buy a car?� �I promised it was not an absolute, I was not under any pressure to buy but there was a pretty good deal going on and it would be silly to not go if your new car was waiting for you. Well, the coin said �go� �and sometimes I just need a decision to be made. That really was the worst part for me �that awful, confused �I don�t know� feeling that no one could answer. I really just wanted someone to make the decision and no one would (and how could they?). So, I showered, got pretty and off I went. Interesting, because on the way there my car was sounding the worst it has all month. There was now a bit of rumbling, a cranking sound and my nice glowing �service engine soon� light was winking at me. Driving to a foreign place was really the first challenge. I am map-challenged and tend to get lost wherever I go. I hate driving. If yahoo maps said it was a 30 minute drive�I could only imagine what that would mean in Chicago�s traffic. I didn�t get lost but it did take me close to 1.5 hours to get there. Once I�m there I pull in and give myself a little pep talk. I remind myself there is no pressure. I remind myself that I have a flat rate and I will not be spending more ($12K max) and that if I didn�t like the car there was no reason to �be nice� and go through negotiating if I really didn�t want it ---(as an aside, I was checking out the Hyundai Accent 3-Door Hatchback �not the 4-door I had in mind, but it was being offered at a manageable rate (just over 12K vs. it�s normal just under 14K). As I�m walking up to the sales door an older man (60s) asked me if he can help me. I�m caught a bit off guard but I went quickly into my confident Aglaia mode. I explained I was here, had heard about the Internet special, yadda yadda. We took the test drive both through neighborhoods and on the expressway. He came with me�which was fine, since I tend to get lost I was happy to have someone who could guide me and I could just focus on the car. We chatted friendly about our jobs and families and everything seemed good. The car was very compact and while I would prefer the convenience of the 4-door (and the larger trunk) I thought it would be plenty to meet my driving needs (I really don�t have backseat passengers, but I do like being able to place things in the backseat easily if I need to). As far as the drive went I thought it was smooth and seemed to be okay (but hell, if it�s a 2007 it better drive fine). Back at the dealership we went through the usual motions. I was very proud and impressed by myself. I felt intelligent, confident, and very much in control. We worked on the numbers and while he had the final price down to just over 12K it still was over my asking price (plus, they only wanted to give me $500 for my car which sucks, b/c other than that �pesky� trans issue I had kept that car very well maintained and lot of it had new parts). I really thought I was going to leave (had my coat on and everything) but he asked what it would take and I told him. So, I got my trade-in bumped up to 900, and the flat price of the car down to 11, 670 ---and I thought, well, for a 2007 for less than $12K�that�s pretty good! Next we moved to financing �I didn�t think it was possible to negotiate financing but when he came back with 7.9% I told him my bank could do better but I wouldn�t buy a car until I knew for sure what the financing would look like (the bank had offered me 7.5% --okay, I know just a few points, but hey! �but I had priced it for a different year/car). Since the bank was closed he asked �his people� to match it or do better�which they did, for 7.3%. It�s not great, but it�s better than what I had found online (over 8% --c�mon, I have PERFECT credit!). I think it�s because I was financing the entire amount I couldn�t get a lower rate. Which sucks, but it brought my monthly down to $230 �higher than a wanted, but I thought it was manageable. Okay, this really should have been multiple entries so that�s it for now. But, the story ends with�I said goodbye to my first car (with a bit of tender fondness) and drove home in my beautiful new Accent. (Oh, and I proceeded to get very lost on the way home�putting 70 miles on my brand new car, UGH!) Haha.
Six years ago I had a nice shower team. Five years ago I was I was discussing my spirituality. Four years ago I was having mid-term blues/ Three years ago I was having a PMS downer. Two years ago I was sharing my story of visiting Buenos Aires Ouch. One year ago I was trying to break up with Jeff.
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