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Diet, Job, Love, and Choice

22 December 2003

If you're feeling generous I could really use a gold membership so I'll actually have some graphics on this page.

I've been incredibly lazy/busy with other things and never got around to switching my graphics to a different site (rather than hosted through diaryland) so when my membership ran out....so did the pictures. I had considered renewing but I thought I could potentially be moving and depending on how things go I wasn't sure if I would have internet accesss, yadda yadda. Probably should have just renewed it!


I tried to see Lord of the Rings III last night. And apparently so did everyone else and their mom. All the showings were sold out. I forgot that all the kids are off for winter vacation.

Ahhh, I remember that...vacation.

This is definitly a great week to take off work. Get your house in order make some fantastic food and settle down and enjoy the holiday. I don't get vacation until I've been at my job for a year. And if Jeff has anything to say about that I won't be there long enough for that!

Not that it's all his decision. Just that...now that I'm in a job, and I like it, I admit I am somewhat settled. Sure, I live at home and that really irks me at times, I think I would sadly be happy to move out and stay in Columbus for awhile, even years. And ahhh, isn't that what I was afraid of when I started looking in my hometown? I knew I would trap myself here.

So what a strange dilema--to have a job you really like, and to be scared you'll have to quit and move somewhere else....or be scared because you're going to live in the same city for all of your life. I know this job doesn't have to be forever. In fact, our staff is so small I don't really see opportunity for advancement. But I do enjoy my work and definitly I could learn a lot from staying there for a few years. Already from when I began to now my workload has definitly increased and changed as things come on board.


So I joined "ediets" on whim about the week of Thanksgiving. Sure, we've all been bombarded by ads and I've checked it out a couple of times but never went through with the actual payment part. It seemed like an okay deal and it wasn't too expensive, but who knows what you'll really get, you know?

So I figured I plop in my chunk of change and simply not think about it (kind of like the gym membership...it just gets taken out of my account and it's almost like I get it for free). Plus, it's week to week so if I ever found myself not using it...I could simply quit. There's no start-up fee so there's not that much to lose (other than your weekly $$$).

Well, the first week was a bust. I believe that was the week of Thanksgiving and who is anyone kidding if you'll start a new "life eating plan" on the week of a holiday food fest! Luckily, I'm not a big Thanksgiving fan. I'm a relatively picky eater so about the only thing I like on Thanksgiving is the mashed potatoes and Pumpkin pie (okay, not exactly the healthiest thing, but after a bowl of potatoes and a slice of pie, i'm pretty much done so I don't really eat that much calorie wise).

SO, I didn't do anything that week. The following week I tried following it, but I just can't get into the meal plan. Each meal had something I didn't like/wouldn't eat so it was really difficult to do that. As I said before I have simple taste buds, and unfortunately they're quite limited. So I tried counting calories for each meal and then I went from there. That seemed to work out pretty well.

The biggest lesson I was trying to remember/accept was that I could not work out to eat. I know that was definitly the killer when I joined the gym. I took a workout as a welcoming party for food. I mean....I actually gained weight as I was working out 5 times a week! I just was eating more than I burned, and so what's the use? So now I work out simply because I do. I don't minus the exercise out of my daily caloric intake, so I'm not trying to burn off a cookie or so on. It's been hard to change my mind set, but I've been doing pretty well.

They have these "support groups" (chat rooms) and I joined a couple of groups. For the most part the people I was talking to were very overweight. I was having trouble really finding anyone who was coming from my position so at first I wasn't sure if I would get anything out of the system. Then I joined a 21-day challenge. It is *extremely* organized and all I had to do was sign up and I was assigned a team, all of whom were very welcoming and quite helpful.

After lots and lots of rules I was finally ready. It's fun because different things earn you different points. There are even "real" prizes for the top winners (on top of the bonus of weight loss, etc). Most of the points are for eating right or exercising but there are fun internal challenges and what not to "self-better" oneself. You even have 3 bonus points to hand out to yourself for personal goals each day(writing in this diary is one of mine).

Anyway, while this "contest" probably wouldn't motivate a lot of people I was sure it would work for me. I need some sort of motivation and however silly this seems to work. I think about eating a cookie only to remember that I can get a point for not eating "junk food" and for some reason...that's enough to make me not reach out and eat!

I've been through two weeks of the challenge and I've lost 6 pounds! I am still amazed myself. I told myself that I was trying to lose a pound a week and if that's all I lost I would okay with that. But I guess if you consider that you're on a 1200 calorie diet (not as bad as I thought it would be) and you work out for an hour everyday...hell yeah you better lose some weight!

I shoot for 1200 but am flexible to about 1600 (still losing a pound a week at that rate). 1200 is what ediets has me on. I was in shock when I saw that at first. But, it's surprisingly not that hard to do when you stop snacking on sweets all day (who knew ;)


I saw the movie "Something's Gotta Give" last night. Diane Keaton has girl right on. So perfectly giggly and confused about love. I know Jeff was rolling his eyes out of utter boredom, but he should have been paying attention because he got to witness everything woman. I hope she gets an oscar nod for the role, she was just amazing.


Sometimes, when Jeff deals with his own insecurities and issues he disappears into himself. I know this about him but it always throws me off when he gets into this mood. He's feeling "poor me" because he went to a get-together the other night and met up with old buddies. Apparently everyone has jobs and is successful (whatever). First of all, all of jeff's friends were older. So they've been out of school for an extra year than we have. Plus, Jeff JUST NOW started putting out resumes. Not only is no one hiring during the Holidays any normal person is going to have to spend some time hunting to get hired.

It took me three months. Now, I do expect him to have more success because he has an actual skill to sell (product design--he's very good, BTW if you know anyone...lalala and I'm not just saying that). He will be the luckiest guy alive when he finally gets the job. Drawing/designing...it's his true passion. I'm very jealous.

Anyway, he's feeling all down about it, and i understand....I don't feel all that great knowing I'm still living at home too. I know I have a job though, in my field, and...my insecurties and self-doubt were lifted once I got this job. Jeff is still dealing with it.

But he loves me so hard. I don't know how to explain it other than I am an object of much affection and just pure love. I am used to commanding his attention and touch and when he's involved in his own mind...it's like I don't exist.

And it's so hard to just be...dropped that way. I know, he can't always be there and always be loving, but, to just disappear like that. It's awful.

After I dropped him off after the movie I just began to cry. This welling of sadness just overcame me. I didn't know what was going on. (Post PMS?) Finally I realized that I felt hurt. I felt alone.

I missed my boyfriend.

And this was only one night of him acting "distant." Lord, I would be so incredibly crushed if something ever came between us.

I love Jeff.

For all of you who have written either by email or in the guestbook, thank you. I appreciate your comments, even the ones that are hard to hear.

And stateroute, you are right. 2004 will bring some big decisions. I am excited and hopeful.

Happy holidays everyone. I know it's a cliche, but really take the time to appreciate what you have.

A woman at work lost both of her grandparents this past weekend. Her grandfather passed of cancer on Friday. Her grandmother on Saturday. Jeff said she died of heartbreak.

To pass in heartbreak, how beautiful and how true. May my prayers be with all who have lost someone close to them. Please know that this life is how we make it and how we choose it. Love doesn't happen, we choose it. We choose to love.

Ok, enough sappyness.


And choose a gift of a gold membership here! (haha, had to do one more plug).






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