7 March 2001

Do you ever have so many thoughts, jumbling together, that your hands can't type them out quick enough? So some thoughts you lose, and the others just come out in randoms, with no flow or sense behind them?

Yeah. That's how I feel today. There's no reason to be jumbled though. The quarter is almost over. Will ya'll pray for some good grades for me?

Last night I was in another "pow-wow" with a bunch of my girls in my bedroom discussing "crushes & ex-es" and the unwritten rules of "hands-off" for fellow friends.

I can see it from the "normal" standpoint, and understand where most people are coming from concerning the wish that once you have "claimed" a guy he's not open game anymore. But I disagree. I think part of it, I've never really experienced it, and second the core philosophy of my life (we are all one) really doesn't reserve room for jealousies like that.

Say I'm at a party and I'm talking to a guy who I think is cute, yadda yadda. I tell my friends that I like him, only to later see my friends getting up on him on the dance floor.

Would I be jealous? (haha, okay, probably. ;)BUT I wouldn't say anything, and i'd get over it. I feel that...okay not necessarily "may the best girl win" but just that, we aren't dating, we aren't anything, he's just some guy at a party (or wherever) and who am I to say that just because I "claimed" him first we would have this awesome relationship together? Maybe him and my best friend after dancing, would later talk, bond, go on dates, get married, be each other's "soul mates" (ha, if I believed in them?) and so on. I mean, I don't want to deny anyone experience, and that's all life is, the chance and enjoyment of experience and feelings and touch and so on.

OR maybe me and him would have been awesome together. But I'm just gonna suck it up and take it from the point I saw my other friend hitting on him, that everything is fair game, unless if we've specifically verbally committed ourselves together. Say in a cut out boy/girl-friend or marriage type of deal.

Same goes for ex-boyfriends with me. We're done. He's going to be datig again. I (really) don't have a problem with it. The fact that I've dated a bunch of really great guys actually [helps] me not have a problem with it. We had our thing and [for whatever reason] it ended, and as someone who cared about this person, got so much out of him, why wouldn't I want a friend to experience all that I did too?

This probably isn't making sense, but basically if think of the everyone is one philosophy, if I experienced something wonderful, by sharing that or giving that wonderful experience to someone else, I am in really giving it back to myself. Another part of my bigger self.

This is probably why I can visualize myself in an "open relationship" at some point in my life, because by experiencing others, I can give them a part of myself, and return what I receive from another person and give it back to my original [lover?]. And yes, I do believe it takes a lot of communication and trust, and whatever it may be, but same goes for the "off limits" ex-boys and "claims".

So Am and I both agree that everyone is fair game (unless specifically committed) while the rest of the girls were horrified and probably wondered in their heads if we are going to steal thier "claims" and what not. Because we've been having typical "girl issues" about claims, etcera. and well, it bugs me. First, I don't like girl fights, because I don't like fighting in general. I don't fight really. I don't know, fighting is dumb, get over it? Haha.

No, but, take this guy who went to a "date party" with one of our friends. Ever since then they have had NOTHING. It's very clear to everyone (really) that NOTHING is ever going to happen between them. (c'mon, insiders tell me she threw up all over the guy ;) SO....fair game, right?

Nope. The girl goes ill on Am for dancing with him at a party, and.... I just think it's dumb. They weren't dating to begin with. I hooked them up, because he needed a date. Date is over. It's been, well a couple of months now? No other datees. I think that clearly states the END. This is a cool guy! She is also (as far as i've seen from hanging with her) a cool girl. I don't see any reason for people on both sides of the mutual friends to date (or especially anything as innocent as dancing!) be a problem.

Okay, another situation. Girl likes this guy. Guy says "hey let's go make out" girl turns him down. Guy actually has a girlfriend out of state. Mutual girl (friend) dances with guy. Cat Fight.

What's up? I mean first of all, strip it all down, it was just dancing (which usually means nothing, with my group of dancing gals). But even if it was something more (and i know both girls, it wasn't.) who cares. First girl doesn't want anything to happen between them because of his girlfriend. So what, we all are banned too?

I'm so totally sorry if this isn't making sense. Haha.

So somehow ladiebug was somehow supposed to tie into something up there, but I don't think it ever did.

Basically go enjoy life, enjoy people, and touchy feel every darn thing you can. Believe me, there is more after all of this.

So I'm taking the Self.com challenge. I've been reading the magazine probably for four years or so, and every year I've thought about doing it, but never really did. So this time, I actually signed up. I started Monday. I have realized that my diet is pretty terrible. And that as far as calorie numbers, I'm super low, but also my main diet consists of jelly beans, etc. ;)

Well, now we know if I actually start liking food and eating I won't be skinny anymore. :) See, something good has come out of being a picky-eater. ;)

Oh well. I don't know how long this will last. Keep in mind, I have spring break coming up. I don't see myself getting any good nutrition or any exercise (except maybe sex? :) there. We'll see.

Tengo mucho hambre! We're having a gross dinner tonight.

I'm meetin with my travel agent to go over Cancun details. She said she might buy us a pizza (trying to repay her guilt for signing us up on a shady deal and taking all of our money, I think.) But anywho, I could definitly go for some pizza. If not, it looks like me and cap'n crunch tonight!

Talk later,

ag.