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springbreak03, classes, drop major?
02 April 2003
So spring break was less than what I expected. I'm not sure what I expected...part of me understood it would not have the flashy appeal of a "spring break hotspot," and that I was packing casual bar clothes, not freshman sparkly tanktops for outrageous clubs, but it just fell flat for me.
BTW, I went to Freeport, Bahamas. For the price (less than 500, minus transportation to Florida's dock, and everything was all-inclusive--food&alcohol) the trip was a success. But I think in general spring break is not going to be this really fun experience if you're dating someone--not because dating someone is boring, just that spring break's ultimate appeal is the potential hookup.
Everyone is looking for that spring fling. The guys are in search for some hot chick to score with and the girls are hoping for some physical action as well (and in the back of their heads for that potential magical "one" out lurking in the world's unknown). And that's part of the appeal. It's actually, the only fun part of being single really. That fun, free unknowing singleness, waiting to randomly meet an incredible person.
Spring break....It's the freedom to flirt and to feel perfectly comfortable with making out with a guy just because--even if you would have no intentions of dating them. In fact, why not make out with a different boy each night? Haha. It's the freedom to be a tease, a flirt. You can be out of control every night...and everyone is perfectly okay with that. It's an atmosphere. It's a perfect mix of wild tails and behaviors, and all that (a twinge of alcohol doesn't hurt ;) makes for an interesting week or so.
So at least for me, going into a spring break with a boyfriend....everything that I find exciting and fun about spring break is pretty much out of the question. Part of me wants to be tempted by a hot guy that refuses to let go of the idea that I'm "taken" because I'm so desirable. Part of me hoped I wouldn't tempted, because with the spring break atmosphere and all, la la la....
Haha, no...I would never jeopardize everything I have with Jeff just for one random guy, no matter how "Hollywood romantic" it would sound in theory in my head. I think the quickest wakeup call if you're ever tempted to "cheat" is to consider how you would feel if the other person did it to you. It's just not worth it. If you really feel that compelled to go ahead and do something you know would make you feel guilty afterwards you need to suck it up and end with the person you're with now.
Of course, that's all easier said than done.
But back to spring break....the island was *so* poor. I mean, I knew it would be, but I thought we'd be on the ritzy, touristy part....and er, there is no part like that on this island. I mean it just looked trashy just about everywhere. We were even staying at one of the best hotels on the island and it literally reminded me of a summer camp. You checked in at this desk in which there was a lobby, but there was no actual walls that enclosed the building. Like an open air market you kind of just walked in and right through it out.
There was archery, dance lessons by the pool, theatre productions at 9pm, etc. Camp anyone? But, there was also free alcohol from 7am-2am so most of the kids couldn�t really complain ;)
The drinks were so fruity though. I mean, I know I complain when they�re too strong, but these were too much for me as well. Plus everything was on the strong side and I�m sorry�I just don�t like the taste of alcohol. I was only able to get drunk one night, and it was because I was taking shots all night long. I didn�t even get to enjoy my drunkenness either�.I got drunk sitting around a table and then I went to bed. What�s the point?
I didn�t stay up one night�what kind of spring break was this? I never saw the sunset, I never took a walk on the beach, I didn�t do anything.. I only went �downtown� once, and it was on the first night when no one was there. Having seen the area at such a �dead� time completely turned me off so we (Jeff and I) never went again. Besides, the taxi�s cost you five dollars a person no matter how many people you crammed into a van, so it was a 10 dollar trip no matter what. I was more interested in saving money. Jeff had talked about going deep-sea fishing, which I would have liked to do, but we never ended up doing it. Not like it mattered�I ended up being robbed of 150 dollars out of my checked suitcase on the cruise ride back. Great, huh?
And we didn�t go to Miami either. I can�t believe we were less than an hour away from one of the biggest club scene parties in the country and we missed it. Sigh. But that�s a whole �nother story.
So class began on Monday. I feel so�completely unmotivated. I think a huge part of that is I am PMSing really hard core again, and so I feel pretty much cranky and emotional all around. I worked tonight and boy was that a bad idea�.I am so sensitive that every little thing makes me want to fall apart. I�m not going to make it in the real world�am I?
I am interning at the YWCA as class credit for my women�s studies degree. We have a class once a week and I wasn�t sure what would be required of such a class, but I found out there�s a lot more work than what I had expected. We have a bunch of papers, a lot of reading and a lot of terrible class discussion. It�s a really tiny class�.there were only 7 of us, but the teacher said we should have 15. Even then, I hate talking in class, and especially in women�s studies I find it unpleasant.
So I find out why I received an A- in my WS class from last quarter. It was because of participation. PARTICIPATION! That�s so dumb. I attended every class, and the teacher knew I wasn�t comfortable talking in class too! That�s BS in my opinion. You can�t force me to talk in class. It�s a double punishment for me. One, I think there is too much talk in WS courses to begin with. I see the merit of class discussion, but they�re usually tangents and life stories. I don�t care to hear about other people�s personal lives, and I certainly don�t want to be taught by my peers who have no teaching authority, especially when their answers are purely subjective and completely opinion based (which some could argue all of WS is, though). Anyway, so I hate most of the class discussion, I do not want to contribute to it. Now, as in my personal life, I will talk if I have something to say, but I feel for the most part I either do not know the answers to the questions that are being asked, or others answer for me.
Besides, the people that talk in class are the type of people that naturally talk in class. Believe me� these people love to talk. I doubt anyone in there was talking because they thought, �Hmm, I better talk today so I can get my points�� So then I got completely fucked because I didn�t.
And I understand an A- is a fine grade, but fuck you. I am all about the �A� and if I don�t get one when I think I deserved one I am eternally bitter. I can pretty much recall every grade �wrongdoing� in my life. But I can�t argue with the teacher, it was right there in her handout that participation counted�.even though every other teacher in the world considers participation points �attending class and looking alive� she is the teacher and she can do whatever she wants. Even if I had participated how could she possibly remember how much all 40 of us contributed? And it wasn�t like I never talked, I did, but I am honest enough to say that if she was counting �active� participation I probably didn�t earn the points. But I still think that policy sucks. Like I said before�the people who talk anyway are the people who would take whether their grades were based on it or not. No one in there was talking just to get a grade. Why should I feel forced to talk?
What I�m getting to is�.so in my internship class the teacher specifically brings up this former instructor�s idea of �active participation� and how she too also grades in that way. And I cannot explain how angry I was sitting in my seat. I could literally feel myself bubbling to the point that I wanted to run out of the room and start hyperventilating. (I�m not good with anger). So instead I waited until class ended and I ran home and cried. And cried.
I just can�t be screwed again. Because it�s not even about forcing myself to participate (which I hate), but very often I really cannot participate in these classes. I enjoy them because they open my mind, because I can listen in on other people�s answers, but I really don�t have anything to say. For example, the teacher held up an advertisement from the newspaper and asked for our comments about them. I know they�re just comments�and there is no right or wrong answer, but I found that to be incredibly threatening. I am staring at this ad thinking ��.� I physically get flooded when a question like that occurs. Mostly because that is such an open ended question that I have no idea what the teacher wants. I am looking at the ad thinking�.yeah, it�s an ad. But in women�s studies it is all about symbolism. I feel as if I am in English class again and I have to read deeper into everything. I have a horrible time doing that, and especially in women�s studies. You could pick any damn object in the world and a WS person could somehow figure out how it was oppressive in some shape or form. Ugh.
And sometimes I am totally wowed with what people come up with. It makes perfect sense to me�.and other times I�m thinking�. (�What the fuck are you saying? No that glass of water is not symbolic of the womb, which also represents motherhood, which also means that�s all a women is good for�.�). Grrrh. So, I was kind of thinking, is all this stress really worth it?
Can I really take another 10 weeks of WS torture? And while I find these courses thought provoking (at times), and brain stretching (which is good for me, even if somewhat unpleasant during the process) I find them mostly tiring in the sense that I�m not quite �there� with everyone else. And I think I probably have a better grasp of the topics than I think I do, but I cannot help but feel the �lesser� of the class, because the people who talk are so WS-ed out that I�m just completely blown away (haha, and not usually in a good sense, I think most of them give WS a bad name ;)
So what am I saying? I�m saying that technically all I need this quarter are TWO HOURS of elective credit! So why should I torture myself with 15 hours of pain just to obtain a double major with Women�s Studies when I will graduate with a major in Communications and a minor in WS without these courses? Is it really going to matter? To be honest, I don�t see myself using WS in any way job related. The courses have been purely to satisfy my own personal curiosity with the subject and while I am happy to have learned what I have (and I�m sure I would learn more if I should carry out this quarter as I am currently scheduled) I am not sure if my heart is in it anymore.
There are plenty of positive and negatives to the issue. But man is it tempting to just drop everything and take�say an acting course! That would be so fantastic. I would only have one course to concentrate on, and it would be something that I love (although I am psycho so I�d find a way to stress about it anyway ;) plus I would still be taking my internship, although I don�t think I would take the class to get credit for it. Fuck it!
And I know that�s terrible, to drop everything, when I just have to get through 10 more weeks of class. But I am that anal about grades, and that offended that I received an A- in that class that I can�t stand the thought of receiving a lesser grade once again just because I didn�t participate. And since I�m all about the grade I would be in a constant state of stress and trauma in these classes trying to rack my brain to fucking say anything, just to get some damn points. It�s unfair.
Unfortunately, I�m PMSing so I shouldn�t be making any major decisions at this time, but I kind of need to decide on this soon, especially if I want to take a different class. I have a paper due already next week too. Boo. Am I just being lazy? What do you think?
Any advice state route? (If you don�t understand, don�t worry about it. ;)
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