20 June 2001

I woke up today at 3:15pm (or so I thought)....jumped out of bed, rushed into the shower, wondering if I could make it to work (by 4) on time.

Then--about mid-shower, I realized that I totally read my watch wrong....I was looking at the "six" thinking that was "noon"--so what (for some odd reason) was appearing as "3" to me...was really nine. That probably didn't make any sense, but yeah, just re-affirms the fact that I can't read a watch that only has dashes on it :) Of course....if you think the "six" dash is the "twelve" dash, there really may be no hope for you!

Haha, oh, that was such a delirious state I awoke in! Must be the heat. My mom, is trying to get used to the heat, because she's going to Florida, so we turned off the A/C and of course, my room--always being one of the hottest, has turned into a sweaty sauna. The fact that I keep my bed heated (yes, even during the summer) only makes it worse, and I'd turn down the heat, but I'm going to turn on the AC once the fam has left for FL!

I need a new "waste your time" computer game. I've been playing this "theme hospital" (I use computer games for meditation--microflow--whatever you want to call it for fun brainless relaxation :) and I get to a level where I just can't control my hospital. It's like too many people start coming, and I don't know what to do with the flow--except build more doctor's offices, and hire more doctors....and then I have no money, and my hospital gets trashy, then epidemics hit and it costs $30,000 + that what I have to vaccinate everyone, my reputation is ruined, and bleh...

It's like, it wouldn't be so bad, if there's some way I could just....send people home? Like, why would I have 10 people waiting outside a doctor's office.....someone's gonna die before they all get in to see the doctor...and then off to the pharmacy or whichever next place they need to go....

If you've never played, this is jibberish, sorry. ;) Anyway, so I need a new game.

Er, maybe I should read some of those books I got from the library. It's why I got them, instead of just messing around on the computer I could get back into something I used to love doing--reading.

So deep dish is coming to town this Friday. My boy has known about it ever since the Paul Oakenfold show, and the plan was to go...and if the occasion moved us, to roll as well.

I wasn't real familiar with them at the time...and truthfully, I'm not now either. I've downloaded some of their songs, but except for a few, I've deleted them. Jeff and I usually like the same things though, so I'm trusting I'll like them at the show and it'll be fun.

I got this job so fast, and scheduling was done before I could really ask for some days off (that I already knew I couldn't work)...one being my one year annivarsary (I ended up having to work it) and the deep dish show....which I also ended up being scheduled for.

Earlier, before I realized I would be scheduled, we had been talking about the show, and Jeff had mentioned that he didn't think he'd roll for it. That originally he had been really excited about the idea, but figured he would enjoy the show as it, and he wasn't going to. (Not that you should get the impression that rolling makes a show good, just that, I think he felt that a roll should be saved for something big.)

And I found, I was kind of glad he didn't want to. I don't know, if it's because I had a "less than spectacular" ending to my last experience (I felt sick all night long) I also feel, that if you're going to mess around with something that's more powerful than you are (drugs) especially one that has no definite studies on how it effects your mind and body in the long run (and because you never know for sure what you're getting anyway)......it's not something you want to be popping everyday, just because it's previously been a good time.

I've taken E four times over three years. All were "special occasions" and don't regret it. So, to be taking a roll (when I just did in April for Oakenfold) for a group I'm not even sure I like, at a venue I've never been to--I'm pretty sure it will be your standard cheesy club.....well, I don't know, just wasn't too excited about it. The thing about the roll, is that the experience can be potentially so amazing, it's like i get wrapped up more with it than what I'm going to see.

Like Paul O. that was a great chance to hear someone spin, someone who's the best in the business right now, and I found as the night got closer, I was excited about the roll more than seeing Oakenfold at all!

It's interesting how being with Jeff while I'm on it...it's completely a better ride with him than when I did it the two times before with other people. The energy and that awesome community feeling from it, is probably my fave aspect. But it just heightens all these feelings I have for him.

I don't think I'd want to roll without him.

Which gets me to my story. I was scheduled to work this Friday, and unsure if I could get it off. Jeff kind of threw a mini-tantrum saying he "didn't care" and was going without me. And if he had said it in a different way--maybe, "Oh no, please try to get it off, it'd be so much better with you there." maybe I would have believed that he wasn't mad or frustrated by it. And as a couple of days passed and the issue was brought up again, I could tell he was still [annoyed?] with me for not remembering to get the day off, and still insisting that he didn't care.

Sure, I had planned on going, and was going to try to get the Friday off, but I wasn't too concerned about it, and maybe he could pick up on that. I need to be getting money (not spending it) so working instead of going to show I know nothing about didn't bother me that much. But, there was one thing that did worry me. I kind of jokingly told him he wasn't allowed to roll without me.

Which he responded that he *was* going to roll on Friday. And that did bother me. Part of it was jealously because I didn't want him to have this experience without me. And not that I think he would try anything, but he's always told me how horny he gets while rolling. (That doesn't really happen to me--I mean yes, I always want to fuck jeff ;) but, I get more of a commmunity, I want to be best friends with everyone there, kind of vibe). But either way, I'd rather be there with him, sharing in on everything, and if anything were to go wrong (say he gets sick this time), I'd want to be there with him.

So after he told me this, I drove home, kind of angry and pissed off--part of it, was because jeff was throwing a party at his house and something had him upset, and he basically ignored me when I told him I was leaving. I knew, that if he went and rolled without me, I'd be bitter about it, and whatever, but I finally realized that I would get over it quickly and it's not that big of a deal.

So I'm about to fall asleep when he calls me and says he wants to come over. Probably to apoligize I think, and he comes over, and he basically sits on my couch looking upset not saying a thing for a half hour or more. Finally I tell him I'm going crazy, and if there's something he's not telling me, he needed to, because I would think the worst if he just left me there in silence. So he finally told me it was just a combination of things, that he was mad at me for not getting Friday off when we had been planning it for two months, that he was mad at his younger brother who drank too much and was back at his house getting sick, and he had to clean the house before his 'rents came home in the morning, etc.

Then he left. I was kind of frustrated that he was angry at me for something that was beyond my control (the scheduling) but decided it wasn't really about me, and just other things, and went to sleep. Everything was fine the next day, so I guess it got worked out.

We then proceeded to go over to his friend's house he was housesitting and have sex in their shower.

But that's another story. ;)