I'm still with Jeff. Nothing has changed. Except, perhaps, that we're having even less sex. That's not completely true....because we were having so little before how could it be any less. I guess we're having even less intimate moments than before. That, I blame completely on myself. I'm stuck in this paralyzing fear and guilt and it's easier to push him away than actually do anything about it.

It has been incredibly stressful at work lately. My "first" meeting that I planned completely on my own is next week. I had planned meetings with my last job but they were always in the same city, with one speaker and a relatively small audience. Plus, I had a lot of guidance and much of the work was shared with my supervisor.

With this meeting I am in a completely different city where I've never even been to the venue. I have 35 faculty, close to 300 attendees, 15 exhibitors, three sponsored events, workshops involving cadaveric specimens, concurrent breakouts, a special reception and an off-site faculty dinner to arrange. Plus, I had a bunch of signage to order, multiple syllabi to create and print and the list goes on.

Of course, you have exhibitors that sign up last minute and you scramble to find room for them. Attendees wait until the last week to sign up which means you have to adjust your meeting room sets for more people, add on a new hotel block/contract to accommodate all the cranky people who don't have a hotel room, make new F&B estimates. Then your speakers decided to take an extra two months to turn in their handouts, which means you spend 70% of your time calling, emailing, faxing and leaving messages to try to get people to actually turn in their work.

In the meantime I have five other projects that aren't getting done. I'm behind in everything and there simply isn't enough me to go around. I've been ARRIVING at work at 6:15 AM. I'm gaining weight and I feel terrible about myself. I'm so out of my mind with the worrying about everything and then compounding with what I need to do with Jeff.....I'm a mess and it makes me sick.

I hate feeling like this. I feel so overwhelmed and immature. I just want to ball up and be a teenager and go hide in my room. The only problem is I don't even have a room to hide in. I can't escape anywhere. I've been desparately dreaming about my own space lately. It will feel so good to finally have my own room, my own desk just some place that is just for me.

Maybe all along I've been the immature one. I just want some of my own space. There's been times that I just wish Jeff would leave and get out of the house so I can spend some time by myself. Both because I'm insane and cracking from my job and because it would be nice to just....not have to worry about anyone.

I worry about everything and I think that's why I get like this. I'm not sure if this is something I can change. I feel like I've always been like this. Driven by my judgement from my mom I can constantly hear a voice in my head to push harder and....I'm tired. I'm tired, god. I'm tired of caring about things that don't matter. I'm tired of worrying about what people think of me.

Jeff and I....we're not bad. That's what makes this so miserable. We're a good couple that get a long great. We support each other and make each other laugh. But I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to touch him. I don't even want to kiss him anymore. I think part of it is my own internal drifting away and then there's the guilt of knowing that I've felt like this for so long...how can you go and pretend when this is how you really feel?

And for a while I was able to pretend but now even when I want to just go with it I can't. My body is completely non-responsive. It's awful. He must feel so shut down. You would think with all of this that I could finally talk to him.

You would think with as much worrying as I do that I could finally say "enough" and do something about it. You would think about a million pep talks and promises to do something but watching deadlines pass would make something spark that I could finally be moved to action--but I'm still not there.

As much as I'm scared and sick of not knowing what will happen I *know* deep inside of me that this move will free me to start a new and better life. I know that whatever awful things could result it will ultimately be better. I know, even in the worst case scenario I would be okay....but I still can't initiate this dialogue.

How do I hurt him and crush him with this news? How do I continue to pretend so casually and talk about decorating our house, buying a pet and dreaming up vacations....if what I really want is to break-up? How is hurting him now any better than just making a clean sweep and being honest with him? No matter how he reacts he'll be happier in a new life with someone who actually loves him the way he deserves to be loved. Yes, this will hurt. Yes, it's probably not going to be this easy transition.

Yes, you probably will lose him, Aglaia.

You won't be able to be "just friends" at least not like what you have now in any capacity...probably not for a long while, and possibly maybe never.

I think it's that reality which crushes me. I'm losing him. I will really lose him. I'm going to really lose someone that I love. And I will never get them back. I've had time to mourn the loss of our physical relationship. To...come to terms with the fact that I don't love him....the way that I used to. But it doesn't change the fact that he's my best friend and in many ways my only friend right now. And he's a huge part of my life...both in my history, of who I AM, and in my daily interactions.

Everything is going to change. This is more than a break-up. This is a divorce, a death and I've never had to deal with either of these things in my life. Combined with the stress of my job I need something I can rely on and I'm about to throw that all away.

I know talking with him is the right thing to do. I know being honest and moving forward is the only thing to do. But that doesn't help me deal with everything that I'm feeling. I wish I could just do it. I wish I could just confess and no matter what happens or what's said just do it and begin moving on with my life.

Wish me luck.