I feel weird.
Over the last six months I feel like I've entered into this new phase in my life. I feel different. My brain is different. I am different.
And I can't go back. How do I reconcile that I am a different person and my husband hasn't changed with me?
Or he has changed as well. Just differently as well?
I don't think you can explain to someone who is young and hasn't been in a relationship that long what it�s like to really be with someone for years and years. It�s hard to really wrap your mind around it. It makes me respect my parents so much more for making it work. It also makes me wonder about their struggles, because surely there were some.
I met J at 19. I was just beginning to explore who I was. I'm sure he was too. We've had so many years of developing who we are as a unit. We are permanently changed because of each other. Our history, our selves are entwined in a way that you can't see who has influenced who.
We will have been together for 14 years, this June. It really is incredible. And just now (now!) we are trying to have a child and I find myself...so conflicted. It's not that I don't want J or a family because I do. I want both and I want more. I just don't know how to tell him that I want more�as in more sexually without it hurting his feelings.
I've had this huge growth spurt, personally and professionally. Emotionally I've experienced something that has actually altered personal truth. He doesn't even know. And I can't talk to him. That's so sad to not be able to have that person you can be radically honest with, without fear of judgment. I read somewhere that that's what real love is. Having this other person you can be completely honest and real with and they will be there to support you or to call you out on your B.S. I loved that...because when I hear it's about putting the other person first, or worrying about their happiness...I just don't buy that. Yes, there will be times where the other person IS the most important. And making them happy will make you happy.
But there will be plenty of times where you aren't getting what you need and you can't keep just giving love, unconditionally.
I'm feeling J's pressure...that I'm constantly disappointing him. And this disappointment stems from behavior that just doesn�t seem that big of a deal to me. Yet, the fact that he keeps riding me about the same things, it is clear it is important to him. And from there I dive down the rabbit hole and begin to think....well, if this is SO important to him and so NOT important to me - what does that say about us?
I try to be very sensitive about not making other people uncomfortable or to put them in situations where they feel obligated to do something out of fear or guilt. This is one of those truths for me that I really value. My mom used to do that constantly to me and I hated it. It still makes me angry when I think about my mom and how she behaved and still behaves. I realize that's just her thing but it's taken me a long time to get over it. I'm still not really over it. Going home is always mixed with a little uneasiness because of it.
Anyway, J is making me feel resentful which is just a horrible feeling. If someone is asking you to do something, and you don't want to (and you're the one being the brat)...what do you do? I mean, the easy solution would probably be to just do it. But, I don't fucking want to and don't think I should have to.
It's really making me crave my own, private space. I can feel myself withdrawing and protecting myself. It�s making me feel selfish and perhaps it is. But it also just feels like he�s trying to control me. I don�t want to behave or do things just because it�s the way he wants me to act. It�s not fair. I shouldn�t have to change everything.
I'm feeling really boxed in.
He doesn't like the food I eat. Really? Why does he care? Can you imagine what he'll be like if I actually get pregnant? Everything I eat feels like a judgment. What's crazy is I actually I have a good diet. Most people know me as a "healthy person." He complains that I eat the same thing every day. WHY DO YOU CARE?
He doesn't like the websites I visit. He thinks social media is dumb. Great, then don't do it. If I happen to like reading my twitter feed or looking at pictures on Facebook then that's my business. I am a girl, if I go to a dumb celebrity gossip websites for a little amusement...again, it's my time wasted not his.
He doesn't like the television I watch. He makes fun of everything I watch. Actually, he makes fun of anything on TV. Again, that's cool. TV is dumb. But it is MY TIME to waste.
He doesn't like the clothes I wear.
He doesn't like it if I sleep in.
He doesn't like it if I indulge in video games.
He doesn't like the way I organize my desk.
Or my computer.
He doesn't like the books I read or the audiobooks I listen to.
WTF J, what do you like?
I just keep thinking...leave me the fuck alone. And that's not a good thing.
