20 June 2000

My eyes are burning. I think that's their nice little way of asking me to go to sleep.

My friend Heidi.....poor, confused Heidi, left gaps in her directions to her house. Even when I called 5 minutes away from her house, she was mighty confused of my where-abouts. So she sent me on my way, in the completely wrong direction. (Over two hours later) I arrive. (I only figure out on the way home....where I passed that point where I called, how close I actually was.)

Many tears, lipstic applications, and quarters spent on gas station telephones later though, i did actually get to her house. But I suppose arriving 1.5 hours late to my first concert, and ahem, the only band I like enough to claim as someone I actually "like" and call myself a "fan" of...sure--that's not so bad, I guess.

Infact, arriving exactly as they were wrapping up my favorite song, really, was a good thing. It meant I didn't have to wait the whole concert expectantly awaiting the song. It also prevented me from embarressingly yelling out the title of the song. Hey girly, they've already played that one. Not a good chance they'll...play it again.

No doubt, huh?

I also fear Heidi, is a poser. A little DMB college kid poser. Do you even own any cds, Heidi? Or (gasp!) maybe....play them? Are you a radio DMB fan. I mean, it's okay. Any appreciation for them...I appreciate. But I felt tricked. "What's this one called" you would whisper into my ear, as the crowd started whooping and hollering that they "loved this one." (they love all of them though ;)

I'm not about to claim the title of their "no. 1 fan" but seeing as they're the only group/muscian I can actually say...that I like, that I own all the cds to....I just, like they're my only band. Sure, I have lots of cds, and i like lots of songs. But to find someone who plays stuff that I consistantly like, and also, any good music (for you personally) you should feel a "connection" to, and I do with Dave. When he plays "41" damn it's good stuff. Haha.

Caught in long traffic in the way out, the conversation turns to God. So at least it's out there that I'm not a Christian. I felt like I came off very typical in the sense of "yeah, i did that Christian stuff, but I just don't know what I think now." Which isn't the case. I just didn't feel like diving into all that. But I sounded like a "sad case" even in my own ears. But what the hell, i know what I know. She's a Christian.

I know how to pick 'em, huh? It's okay. I just find more and more I can't fellowship with Christians once they know I'm not one. So it's time to keep looking.

So, I'd like to see Jeff. I was assuming I would after the concert. Of course, for no reason other than "because" I'm not allowed to go. I don't know, maybe I've had my share of "fun" for the night or something, by going to the concert. It really doesn't make any sense. I mean, it's not like, by making me stay here, you're gaining on any quality aglaia time or something. Everyone is in bed, and you're playing solitaire, while i'm down here on the computer. I don't understand you.

When I show my "disagreement" in my face when you tell me I can't go out, you start harassing me about not having sex with him.

Look, mom, we had sex one night. He hasn't tried anything sense. I mean, we're in his parents' house. No doubt, if we wanted it, I'm sure we'd find a way, but in the mean time. Maybe, I just like his company. I like being with him, I like talking to him, and yes I understand what AIDS is.

Why is my mother lecturing me on AIDS? I'm the queen of AIDS knowledge. All my friends know that, why don't you know that mom? I'm an AIDS activist, I give money to AIDS research. I don't know anyone with AIDS, but I've read all about it, done countless research projects on it, and believe me, I understand the risks. No, I don't think I'm invisible. Yes, these are my own choices to have sex.

I'm sorry. Yes, I know things have changed since you were "getting action" back in the day. No I wasn't in love. No, I'm not willing to have their baby if I were to get pregnant. But yes, I'm going to have to live with whatever consequences come along, and with whatever choices I decide to make. But they are my choices to make.

And yeah, if I want to go to a concert *and* go see my boy, there is no reason I shouldn't be able to. Why don't I invite him over here? I'd love to mom, maybe if we had a couch or something in the basement that'd be great. Yeah, good idea, huh? Bye mom.