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CWG influencing who I am, telling sister/mother that I had sex, their vision of me, my vision of me.

4 June 2000

Where do I start?

I think i'd like a fruity drink. My college days have addicted me. But I'm poor now. So I'm left to drinking water. And I like water, but...sometimes you need to shake things up you know? Haha, I just thought, Maybe I'll make some ice tea....yeah, the day I take home all my tea bags, I have that thought. Like I'd do it. I haven't made any tea since since first quarter.

But that's what happens when you start packing away your room. All of a sudden, all those things you never used before...you wished they were here.

I don't move out until Thursday, but I've spent the last couple of hours taking stuff down, and wrapping it up. It's kind of...clarifying? Is that a word. That's not what I want...it's uplifting. I mean, I suppose it's sad to see my room empty, the shelves cleared, the walls bare. But I find it...almost empowering, refreshing really. I'm a clutter girl, I keep everything. So to take it all down, and clear it all out. I feel very clean. Virginal. Haha, is that a word? I don't think so.

I could go for some ice cream. Yea.


My sister made me a cd. A Dave Ralph mix. She's trying to culture me in some popular trance. Nice. It's probably why I was feeling all...something...while taking down my room. It just puts me in that mood. Trance does. I have a new MP3 mixed by Bad Boy Bill...whom I've actually danced to live if you've heard of him....but anyway, the beginning of it is so good. There's a lot of interjected voices and people recordings. There's this guy saying that a lot of people don't understand the music...but it's a spiritual thing. Haha, I love to say that. People who aren't into it....it hits you in your heart if you're really into it. It is spiritual. YEah, la la la..

I just found out Ladiebug has read the CWG trilogy. That's interesting. She's hurting, and I hate to read someone struggling, because I never know how to deal with something like that. I'm good if someone needs a listener. But I can't give advice. If I do, it comes out sounding...flat. Not that I what I'm saying isn't genuine. I just have these one-liners. And in my head, they mean so much to me, even though I know...they're easier to say, than to live.

But what can I do? CWG liberated me. It's lead me down this whole different path. When it came to me...the way it came to me, it's all really amazing. I think it was...really right for the time it came into my hands. Because I had been through a lot. Not really like I have some horror story life, I lead a typically...suburban easy life, but our minds, our beautiful minds can create drama and chaos at any moment. My problems felt and were very real to me, and I was doing a lot of self-exploring. I'm so happy, that I've had the life I've had. I'm so glad, that I started to think outside what was going on immediately outside of me. I see too many people who've...

never thought about it. Never thought about life, or anything. Deep inside me, I think they have. People tell me that people really haven't, and I think maybe....that they're right, but I can't imagine living like that. But I lived like that. But I only lived like that until my sophomore year in HS. Not that I'm all special and better or "enlightened" now, or anything like that. Just for me personally, I'm glad that I turned and found this path. I'm glad....I'm glad...for something. :) I can't describe it. I'm just...for me it's better, for me it's...awakening.


My sister, asks me to go up to Easton with her. This is a shopping place. I say sure. As I've said before, we aren't close. This as a general asking, wasn't necessarily a kind gesture....more likely, she didn't want to go by herself, and I would do. :) But, she asked anyway, so I should be grateful by that, and so I went.

She's so beautiful. Inside out, I really respect her. I think that's why a lot of the time I kind of wish I had that respect from her. I know she doesn't understand me, that she has this whole different idea and view of who I am. I don't truly have a handle on her either. I think...I'd like to change this. I think it's time for me to really change a lot of things in my life.

We're riding in the car. She asks me about "chris 1". Nicole (sis) has known and dated a lot of Chris's in her life. He could technically be my Chris 2...seeing as I was flirting with the idea of seeing Chris--Tim's brother, but anyway..another story. And since that Chris and I have never actually been together, I suppose the Chris I just dated could be considered, my Chris #1. I tell her we broke up. I don't know how she got to this question, and I know she was just playing, but kind of laughs and says, "ooh, did you guys do it"?

She's 22, not like she's immature, she was just kind of joking. But...since we did, I was like...."yeah...".


This begins a long ride of freeway driving of talking about sex. She then asks me how many guys I've been with..."two..." I don't think she recognized the fact that I've slept with two guys in the matter of months...although on the way home, I think she kind of got it, although didn't say anything directly about it. (I mean I just saw her not so long ago, and I *was* dating Chris at that time so...)

I didn't try to justify it. I feel like I need to. I feel like, the way I view it....in my mind it all makes sense. I understand if I didn't think the way I think now, I would look at my actions and be kind of....well, not horrified, just....woo, that slut, she just slept with that boy, yadda yadda. I don't feel like a slut, I don't think I am. I feel cool with my actions, in fact, I was making the decision all along, I don't feel wrong, so why do I want to justify it? I shoudn't have to care what others think about me.

James asked me a minute a go if I really thought I cared about Chris if I could move on so quickly. I responded, "I was over him the moment he broke up. Not because he didn't mean anything to me, not because I didn't care, not even because I understood why he was doing it and agreed. I just accept the changes and experiences around me, i take as much as i can from it, and i move forward."

That may not be the whole truth. I think, it's what I was trying to do, and I think for the most part that was how it was. I mean, it is how I want to be. Even if it sounds all...inhuman, which I was struggling with that feeling. Like if I didn't cry and be upset with his descision then I wasn't human. I liked Chris a lot. But, I think it was how I felt, what I said above, it really was.

I told him CWG. That if you looked at pre-CWG aglaia, then post-me, you could see that.

He said, No. It's just Aglaia.

...that I bounce back easily.

I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't remember me. It's not who I am anymore, why should I stay connected with another part of myself? Because it's not really a part. The past doesn't make you who you are today. I mean it has, every little piece of the past makes you who you are today, but in an instant, every moment you are creating a newer self. I shouldn't have to answer to the past me, cuz it's not me...anymore.

(James): but I think you have an enormous ability not to worry about the future, and for the most part the past

I can't tell you if it's CWG, or just me always. I don't want to be cold. I don't want to be impersonal. I can't tell you how I cared about Chris. Was he something, someone that came in my life, now he's gone...I don't think about him at all? I do think about him. I don't.

It is a disconnection. I don't...necessarily want to be like that, I just...it just Is how I am...Now. It's not even bad, good. And it's a lie to generalize. I still cry, I still enjoy, I still worry, and stress, and feel "negative" feelings and what not. I'm not saying I'm this total "new age" girl, but I wish I was. I do want to come from love, and be love, and create something wonderful in me.

I think, Chris, or anything, for me, I don't have to hold onto it anymore. I didn't move on because he didn't mean anything to me, or it "hurt too much" to think about....I just...accepted it as another stage of my life, embraced what I learned from him, about me, about life, about people and everything, because I think I did learn a lot. I'm not totally outside this "society zone" i have my....relapses if you will. ;) I don't think it's just repressing these thoughts or feelings either, although sometimes I wonder if it is. I don't think I play an artificial happiness. I really do feel free from a lot of things.

Every time that happens I think of the Christiany/sin thing. About people not being perfect. For me it is a sin. (Viewing sin as a separation from God.) If I'm....feeling anything....but...gosh, i can't vocalize any of my thoughts, sometimes I feel so inarticulate, I just, want to say for me, I want to live my life feeling, the truest vision of everything I can.

If i'm wallowing in something, I want to know how to get on, I want to view it as something not "bad" but good, I want to be able to get the most from everything as I possibly can, and change and grow and live. I'm sorry if it all sounds like bullsh*t but it's how I feel, no matter how cheesy I get here. :)


So what happens today?

Somehow my mother and I get into a conversation about middle schoolers having sex...mothers she knows and their daughters and who's who...having sex. We're laughing, how all their mothers are so clueless, and would never guess about their daughters (uh,haha, yeah...). Then she was joking and said, "...and is Aglia Grace having sex?" (wink,wink, nudge nudge) Uhhh. Actually...

Yeah.


For a few seconds in paused eternity, my mind raced, and I'm sure my face twisted, as I wondered how I could answer, when she joked and asked me that question. For years past I could proudly say, "nope!" and let a shy smile cross my face, but all of a sudden, that really wasn't the whole truth, and I have been thinking about telling her....I need to her, and here's my chance, well goodness, can't lie now, I mean you could, but you shouldn't, yadda yadda, so the truth came out.

Thanks God! Haha, I know that happened because He knew I'd never really do it. Or it'd be like months before I said anything, so anyway, it was really a blessing, even though for the moment, a horrifying one, sort of. Okay, so I needed it to come out, but I probably wouldn't have told her about Jeff right off. My mom doesn't even know about Jeff at all. Okay, she doesn't even know that Chris and I broke up.

So when her next question (after a quick glance of surprise flashed over her) was, "with who?"

I paused again, immediately thought about her comments about Chris and older boys "wanting it after they've had it" and wanting to prove her wrong....I said, "...the guy I'm dating now."

And who's that?

"....Jeff."

(More looks of surprise.) Well, that was fast. she said. Didn't even ask me about what happened to Chris.

Yadda yadda, safe sex. Just a few comments such as "ooh, aglaia, it should have been with someone special."

I of course lamely, replied in a so obvious "la la la...uh, he's special...yeah."

And also a, "I didn't think you would..." comment by her.

But overall. I got lots of support. Even a light-hearted, understanding, and girl-girl bonding feeling from it. Not that I bonded. I wanted to get the hell out of there. ;) But I was pleasantly surprised that she almost seemed....not to care (I'm think initial shock, she probably thought about it after I left) but almost a perverse disappointment there wasn't some shout out. Not that I expected a fight, or even necessarily a blow out, I just expected....disappointment. And there really wasn't. Which is cool.

Go Mom.

Of course, she doesn't know about Chris. And she thinks I just lost my virginity to some random boy I just started seeing, which probably doesn't look so good. I guess you could say the same from the Chris viewpoint--only, it never felt like that, I felt like we got close super fast (mentally...although admitedly, sexually as well. ;) I think, if I could go back in time. I would just tell her about Chris. And not Jeff.

Just let her assume once she meets Jeff, that we're doing it too. ;) Oh geez, but anyway. Now my mom has one story, my sister the truth. Time to tell a friend? I think I might tell Holly. Kathryn? Uhh, only if she asks. I'm not going to lie. I don't lie. I tell half truths sometimes no doubt, and I wish I wouldn't. But I'm working on it. One step at a time. I really respect Honesty, and want to try to work on practicing it.

It's hard to be true to yourself, when you can't be true to others.

Well, I have tons more of commentary to say about this, but I've already written a dent in my life story novel here, so I'll move on.


Not that anyone has read this far, and if you have...I don't know if I should be flattered or worried, but does anyone notice that I change my diary links at the bottom of this page...like almost daily? If not, please check them out...only the best for my readers. :)

Peace out.






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