17 November 2000

Yo. In my never-ending search for long black pants I found myself in the dressing room of The Express horrified at my barely clothed body (the ever so lovely socks in underwear look). My once carved belly looks fleshy, my thighs....the cellulite moving down them greedily covering every inch they can devour.

I'm disgusted.

My tall frame, I'm still thin, but my body looks pathetically out of shape. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. And while I'm probably at "average" instead of below it, I don't like what I see.

I don't think I would even want to get in a bathing suit like this.

What happened?

What changed?

This sucks. :(

I keep thinking how if I was dedicated I could put myself on a strict diet, and I'm sure I really could do it, but I would be miserable. It's creating this huge relationship with food problem, and I never wanted to be one of those girls. Basically I need to start working out more. My metabolism is changing, and while there's no way I look big at all, I don't want to get any larger.

What I really need is a personal trainer to kick my ass. I can't do it on my own. I know that.

How much does a personal trainer cost? Would I have to join a gym, then get a trainer? That's a lot of $$$. But I think it would be worth it. I would love to feel more athletically inclined body wise. I used to have abs to die for. I'm so unmotivated. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Blame it on the Spanish. I think everything leads back to my extreme unhappiness of that class. By the end of this full year, three quarters deep into espanol I should be mighty obese. Hahah...la la la...sigh.

I make shitty money at work. I need to find a new place. Something classy. Who cares if I have to wear a pressed white shirt. I need a job that won't cut me at 7:40, leaving me out with 25 bucks. That's a terrible, terrible night. Especially on a Thursday. Hey, that's bad for a Monday....

I'm off of work (last night), considering not going out, but working all night on my Spanish composition, that way I'll save some worries and free my weekend a little. Of course, my parents are not home when I get off of work. So I have to wait around until one of them comes home so they can take me back to school. I'm home by 8:20. I don't get back to campus until around 11:00. I'm pretty pissed by then. I might as well go to sleep by that point. I have class the next morning. It's too bad I didn't bring some of my spanish stuff with me to study at home.

Jeff calls. His UA friends are hanging out, but he thinks most of them are heading off. So he asks me to meet him up at his house in 15 minutes.

Okay.

I get up there around midnight. It feels a little silly to try to do anything at that point having to get up in the morning after all. I get over there and him and Bill are watching Saving Private Ryan. We sit there and finish that up.

I cry. A lot.

I've seen it before, but I think with me being on my period, I'm overly sensitive. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom, where I broke down in the stall and just prayed to God. Even though it's just a movie, sometimes it's fiction that gets you thinking about our real history and reality. People amaze me.

I loved the way Jeff looked at me when I walked in and he could tell that I had been crying. He just wraps me up in his arms.

Do you love the way I changed tenses in sentences?

I had a friend who used to write reports like that. It would bug the heck out of me. I'd proof-read 'em and just rip it all up, trying to pick one (a tense) for her.

She always got decent grades though. A good writer, but her grammer and spelling was awful. (The girl, I don't think *ever* used the damn spell checker and out of anyone *she* needed it the most.)

Not like I'm the best example of quality here.

But it's just a diary.

It felt like a booty call from the moment Jeff called me. What else would we really be doing at midnight + (?)

Being on my period, I hoped he wouldn't be too disappointed. I chose the dormer over the room. Better chance of escaping the "sorry, nope.." situation. We go up there around 3:00. I never have to tell him, he figures it out from the first moment I guide his hands away. Sorry babe. It doesn't stop us from making out. At the first time check I see that's it's 5am. (woah.)

By this point he's made me come just from shifting in all the right places. He's still raging.

(Poor guy.)

I wish there's some way I can relieve him at this point. Partly because it's unfair to leave him that way and partly because I'm ready to go to sleep ;)

I try using my hands, but the position is awkward and I can't keep it going without making a lot of noise. I motion to go down on him, but there's no way without making it so obvious to the rest of the room or almost falling off the bunk ;)

There's this period of time between 5-7. I don't know if we ever actually fall asleep or not. All I know, is that in mid "sleep/making out" I wake up, and Jeff's still grinding from behind while feverishly grabbing at my breasts. (Oh hello again.)

We start it up again and his fingers are up my ass. I'm guessing what he wants, but I'm not sure if I want it. The last couple attempts at anal sex have been...not so much painful as the pressure is really uncomfortable. It makes me kind of...ansy? I don't know, I can't take it more than a couple of seconds, so I didn't want to encourage him unless if I was prepared to last it out. I also, didn't want to have an "accident" (keeping in my mind the red sea down there) on his bed. Who knows what kind of male trauma that could create ;)

But eventually we situate ourselves, and I decide to meditate to get over the uncomfortableness. It probably took him like two thrusts and it was over. I can't imagine being a guy having an erection for 4 hours straight like that. For being as frantic as he was before, as soon as he orgasmed, he just dropped dead, his penis still inside of me. Exhausted. I could feel him relaxing, growing smaller.

Eventually I situated myself, fully clothed again. Goodnight.

I got up at 8:45 and felt great. I of course took a three hour nap once 12:30 hit that afternoon. ;)

I'm so frustrated with my printer. A power surge a week back did something and now it won't connect with my computer. I don't know what to do, but already it's holding me back. I might just stay home Sunday night after work and use the computer at home to study for Spanish. Of course that means it's a last minute thing again if I do that.

I'm so bored. I don't know what I feel like doing. Mer suggested we all go bowling. That would be fun (if we can bring some boys along ;)

A few hours later...

I call Jeff to check out if he wants to go bowling. I don't even get a chance to ask, he's "hammered" as he says and at one of his friend's parties. He invites me and my girls. So we decide to do that. Jeff's UA friends that I know who are there are pretty trashed as well. I cup of beer and a cup of cider. Then a game of flip-a-cup gets going. My team is awesome. We're finishing before their last person even gets to drink. Then our anchor gets changed to this random girl and we start to lose ;) Oh well, game over.

We dance a little, then decide to go back to sigma chi. Once there we play this card/drinking game (circle of death?). I'm falling asleep so the girls leave with another sig chi, Joe to another party. Jeff and I go up to the dormer. One of the first things he does when we crawl into bed is pull me close and whisper to me, "Do you know how crazy I am about you?" AHhh! That is so adorable, I feel like such a girl!

Haha, that's a couple steps away from the big three, huh? Hehe, no, it's just cute to hear him say that. We've never been very verbal about how we feel about each other, it's like it just is. So far that's been nice, I mean I eat it up when people do say it, but I still prefer my boyfriend to not tell me how pretty I am and such, because then I feel like I always have to "be pretty" and that's all he likes about me. God, I felt so vain saying that.

We're making out, and almost immediately I can tell he's frustrated with the situation. (No repeat of yesterday night's four hour session!) We end up having anal sex again, but it lasts a lot longer this time around. It gets less uncomfortable with time.

I don't even remember him coming. I just remember at some point we woke up and we were pulling our pants back up because we were still undressed. ;)

At 5am boys coming running into the room screaming "kegs & eggs!!". It's Ohio/Michigan football game day so the bars are opening at 5 in the morning to let us fans get our drink on way ahead of time. Flashlights in our eyes, and whistles to our ears we get up.

I go back to my house and back to bed.

I'm up again at 9:00 to get ready for the game. Head on over to our designated house pre-game party and I'm very disappointed to see they are only serving beer there. Boo.

Usually they have vodka and rum, but I guess not today. I just can't drink beer. First of all I did it mostly the night before, and also it would take a lot of beer to get buzzed not even thinking about drunk. So after I had finished half a beer I gave up.

And that brings me here. I get so bored at the games sometimes. Hopefully this one will be better.