I had a pep talk with my mom after the last entry and felt much better. This was a crazy week but I felt in control for most of it.
Now it's Friday and I am exhausted, mentally and physically. Okay, I feel depressed again. There's just this sense of deep sadness. It just makes me want to crawl into bed and let everything fall into sleep and dreams.
I think it's the stress with the job. This is always a bad time. For any meeting/event professional I think we can all relate to the high work periods that tax everyone. There's always so much to do and not enough me (or anyone) to do it all. For my personality this automatically means failure to me. I feel overwhelmed, stressed and just full of failure for somehow not being able to keep up. I know logically that it's too much. Every year it will always be too much. And every year I will probably be like this.
Miserable and depressed. Sure, there's a frantic high that comes with being overly productive (I am working so hard to try to keep up with everything) and on the days where things flow and I am efficient or I finish some project and can be rid of it...ah, the sense of accomplishment makes me so giddy I find myself actually clapping with glee. I'm sure I look like a frantic mess...I don't know maybe I don't.
Maybe I only know how frazzled and messed up I am inside. I hope I'm not totally crazy at work. Sure, I like to cry at my cube when I hit a breaking point and am just so frustrated there's nothing else to do. So much just comes together at these points when you're building a large event and when you don't have enough staff to handle it all....it's just really hard. It's also not something you can totally prepare for. Of course with each year doing these annual conventions I get better and I learn how to do things differently but when it comes down to those final months out...too much is going on to get it done.
The problem is that I rely on so many people for the working parts of my job and most of them are volunteers. All of our committees and faculty essentially work for free on top of their own busy jobs. Nobody reads anything I send. No one follows directions. No one meets deadlines. And there's nothing I can do.
If a speaker is delinquent and non-responsive I can let the next chair of the program know...but if he's the world expert on a topic and attendees love him....he's going to be on the program regardless. I can threaten they've signed agreements and must comply but again....other than shaming them in front of the audience (I'm sorry, Dr. Smith couldn't be bothered with providing handouts) or a program chair I don't have any power.
Between constantly sending reminders, following up with people, and having to play secretary to all of the powerful doctors who couldn't bother to actually write down commitments on their calendar my job can suck in a lot of ways. I'm afraid I'm reaching a burn-out situation when I am constantly groaning and sighing and roaring at the injustice of another #^&F* member who drives me crazy or is making me insane. Both comments made daily.
It sort of reminds me of restaurant burnout. You reach a point where you have been so abused from everyone that everything has cause for anger....or depression. The same stupid questions, jokes, rudeness, etc. It's pretty awful. You lose all patience and in away, kindness. Sure, you're (hopefully) not passing on your annoyance to your table but on the other hand the job is probably making you sick and you can't possibly be giving your greatest service if your mind has been poisoned with all the negativity.
I think that might be where I am. I've tried taking days to think positively, to act calm, to just let things slide and not think too much about them. To try to return to a more member-focused 'here to please' mentality but.....I have not been very successful. The major problem now is just too much work.
Everyone is overworked when the big meeting creeps up. It helps knowing we're all miserably busy...but it doesn't change that you feel constantly behind. You feel like you're letting people down. You have to begin prioritizing but there's no real logic behind it.
Project X must be completed (now) because until it is done we cannot continue on to steps A-C, which HAVE to be done by Y date. Launch date critical.
Project Z must be completed (now) because it's due in two weeks and it will take some time to produce, edit and finalize.
Which one do I do? If I focus on project Z I am putting project X on major delay. People will start to ask about it....they can't do things until I finish my part. But what about Project Z...it's due and I should have been working on it earlier...but I was too busy working on other things when I should have been doing this.
That's how everyday is. Things that are due in (weeks/months) get placed on hold even though they need a greater focus. I work on the immediate deadlines and by the time I'm done with that I have new projects and older ones that haven't even been started. I have like 10 things going on and they're all important.
I know I'm complaining and I know I'm not unique. I know everyone has busy times in their job regardless of what they do and they come with challenges. I'd like to say I'm up for the challenge and I am working really hard to get it all done but I'm never caught up and I feel bad all the time because I'm not on top of things. It's not that I think people may view me poorly --actually, I think management is very pleased with my performance. Sure, there may be a couple of times where I get behind in something specific and someone notices and has to follow-up but I can always pull through and make it work.
I think it's more of an internal battle. I feel bad. I am extremely critical and judgmental when it comes to my own behavior and performance and I expect a lot from myself. When I can't keep up I am so cruel to myself and already being a sensitive and emotional person it's really hard sometimes.
I don't think Jeff knows what to do with me when I'm like this. It breaks my heart because I really need him. I need a rock and someone who can just roll with it. Jeff can't always do that.
He basically pulled me aside last week when I was about to spin out into a breakdown and he told me right out that he wasn't going to take it. He couldn't take it. He felt when I got so worked up and stressed that I pulled away and it hurt our relationship beyond fixing in some ways.
It's not that I disagree with him. When I'm like this I can be very moody. I'm fatigued easy, prone to crying and yes...I just want to go to sleep because nothing else, oh, I don't know, nothing else is worth it.
That probably doesn't make sense but that's how it feels. Why go watch a tv show...what's the point? Everything feels so pointless and meaningless. Sure, picking up that book is fun, but the idea of it seems exhausting.
This all writes more pathetic and dramatic than it really is. It's not always like this. But when I feel down and overwhelmed then that is how it goes. Everything just feels exhausting. It's like my brain is so maxed out and full from the constant worrying and churning of things I haven't done and need to do that there's no room left for anything else. Social events are unbearable even though what I really need is someone to talk to.
I don't get why Jeff doesn't like talking about work. I get that we are in different industries and I won't always understand (or even kind of understand) things that are going on at work or projects he is on but I still like hearing about them. I like knowing what's going on all day and what's making him excited, or frustrated or how he interacts with his coworkers --those that can make him laugh, or those who are all drama. I'm not looking for gossip, I'm looking to experience where he is and what he is doing for the majority of each day of his week!
Jeff never wants to talk about work with me. I actually learn more about what's going on at his job by overhearing conversations to his mom. Which seems sort of odd to me --Jeff is not a "mama's boy" or anything like that. It's sweet he can turn to his mom and she's the one that can provide a good ear and sound advice but at the same time....why not me? Does he just not want it in the home? Does he not want to complain to me?
He's told me before to leave it at work. Jeff doesn't want to hear about what's going on at work and it consumes me to a point of madness...and then I can't even talk to him about it! Again, this sounds more dramatic than it really is....of course we talk to each other and hear about different things going on in the office...but not to the extent that I would like.
Also, talking about things doesn't necessarily mean I feel better about it afterwards. Sometimes talking about things will get me going and just help push me deeper (off the end). I think it depends on my state of my mind and where the conversation enters. Jeff definitely has that "guy listener" thing going on that really isn't what I need. He'll ask questions or make points that aren't helpful---and I don't mean he makes suggestions that just won't work--I mean he'll say things like "you should just get another job".
What the hell is that? Just be patient and let me vent. I'm already in this job so help me make it work or just be my friend, be my support when I really need you and stop [pushing me?]. It just feels like a brush off....you're stressed about work? "Well, just leave it at the office, that's what I do."
Totally not helpful and offensive because it feels like my complaints aren't being taken seriously. Those aren't genuine, thoughtful responses. I'm in anguish about something --and no matter what it is, in that moment, in my confession to you, it's real and it's affecting my life. If you don't have anything helpful to say (and that's fine) then just be there and tell me you're there for me. Give me a hug and be there.
I feel like I'm completely there for him when he's being mean and withdrawn and is upset about things going on his life. I'll be his support when he's feeling bad and things aren't going well.
I'm also offended by what came out of last week's "You can't be depressed" speech (beyond the conversation itself) he actually said, "I'm still testing this ["us"] out....."
WTF, testing this out? We are living together....AGAIN! Are you crazy. I didn't move in with you to test anything. I made the commitment. Me moving in here with him was as good as saying "I do." No matter what we'll work it out.
This all sounding so bad and negative. Which is a shame because it's really actually been good since we've moved in. I'm just feeling overwhelmed with work and I don't know how to manage it. There have been some really sweet times and I'm glad we did move in with each other.
But idea of him still "testing" things makes me sick. It's been just over seven years. No more testing. It's life, it's unpredictable, either you go for it or you don't and I think by now you could make either option work you just have to make the choice and bring as much out of the opportunity and the experience that you can. No matter what the choice is about.
