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Worrying about Relationship and Crushing On Chris

20 June 2003

So. I'm feeling a little confused right now. Maybe not confused, I just feel blah. I think Jeff and I are on a down cycle. It's perfectly normal and it happens with all things in life, not just relationships, but knowing that doesn't make dealing with the downside easier. Because the problem with downcycles is they sometimes never go back up...you never know if it's just a downcycle or something worse til you're so down, it either explodes or ends.

But that sounds more dramatic and negative than I'm really feeling. I don't think there is actually anything really wrong with Jeff and I. I just think it's a natural down cycle. Right?


I think the week before one's period is an excellent time for a downcycle, don't you? You're perfectly set up, complete with paranoia, mood swings, unsettling emotions, etc. It's hard to tell if it's actually a downcycle or just another week of the month ;)

I knew moving out of campus would be difficult on the relationship. We've spent the night together basically for the last two years. It's been two summers ago that we actually had to deal with parents and curfews and lacking the boy to spoon everynight. Not exactly a fun thing. Knowing someone (your parents) are expecting you home everynight almost makes you want to not go out at all. You can't drink because you always have to drive. It's no fun staying out late, because then you get too tired to drive too. Infact, I'm just a lazy homebody so I never want to go out when I live at home.

It doesn't help that I work at a restaurant in the evenings, so directly after getting off work, it's understandable I don't feel like doing anything. But anyway, I think it might be the whole lack of sex thing right now.

Grrgh. Haha, and Jeff thought we didn't have sex when we saw each other everynight. Try living with your parents and having a curfew! La la la...

Actually, I'm wondering if this will help, because I thought before tha maybe when we saw each other every night, and everything was a routine, that was part of the problem as far as sexual excitment may go. But if that's the case, then what's marriage going to be like?

I'm scared. My sister is supposed to get married in October, and she has been considering calling it off for the last couple of months. I don't know how in depth she has discussed her doubts with her fiance. Infact, she hasn't spoken to me about it at all, only through mom do I know all this. I feel like what [my sister] has is really good...but then again, how well do I know her?

Do I want to marry Jeff? I don't know. I mean I do, I've known I wanted to for awhile now...but then....Okay, I guess first of all it's not like he's popping the question anytime soon so it's not *really* an issue I need to concern myself with. On the otherhand, our lives are changing. We just graduated, we're trying to take our lives to new places. Do we want each other in the picture? I hope so.

I do worry if he'll ever want kids (he says he doesn't...I *know* I do). My mom says that just comes with maturity, that most guys don't want kids, and actually my dad said the same thing (I'm one of four kids ;).


Jeff is pretty much everything I want in a guy. And he appreciates and understands me in a way that I think a lot of people can't. I don't believe in soulmates, because I think a soulmate would have to be truly perfect. And no one can pass all the requirements. And maybe people shouldn't. I think you find what your soul is thirsting for in different places and people. Jeff will satisfy some parts of me, and the rest will have to be found in friends, activities, organizations and work. In a perfect world it all comes together and I find the resources to make my life living to its fullest.

But not yet. And I'm okay with that. I don't even have a jobe yet. ;) But Jeff...I don't know, whenever we go into the downcycle you do have to pull away and ask yourself, "Is this what I want?" And, in the downcycle it's the scary place where you can be honest and say you don't know. What do I want? I don't know. I feel like I'm too young to even possibly know what is really out there, what I'm really meant for.

If Jeff asked me tomorrow to marry him, I would say yes without a thought. Now...we'd have to sit down and have some major conversations before we ever actually got married, but I do feel that I would be happy with him. That I love so much, and sometimes I don't even realize how much of me is him, that he has influenced so much of who I am....(oh geez, I'm crying now)

I don't even exist anymore.

And I don't think I say that in a sad or lost way. I feel like I have gained so much from my relationship with Jeff. Oh...and I miss him. I feel like...he's so far away sometimes, and that's how I feel right now. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know I'm PMSing and he probably doesn't even think anything's wrong, but it feels wrong to me. Something isn't right. I don't know if it's in my head, or if he feels it too.

I don't know if he has a problem with me, or if he thinks I have a problem with him. And it's like, if I ask him if something is wrong, I know he's just going to say no. But I miss my [nickname] (I'll spare you the cheesiness).


I feel like he doesn't even kiss me anymore. Am I bad kisser? Haha, has he dealt with it for three years and now he can take no more of it? I need that affection. I miss it. I miss that expression that he used to have when I would walk in a door and he would see me. Have I stopped showing him that expression too?

I still love him. I do love him. It just feels so blah. I mean, I call him last night, and say I want to see him. And no, he won't drive the six minutes to my house, because he doesn't feel like leaving. When I ask if I can come over. He responds with "I guess." Inviting, huh?. It's like...well, if you're doing something and you rather me not, I wish he'd just tell me. I don't know...why wouldn't he want to see me?


We haven't had sex in awhile. Well, I guess it had been last Thursday, which isn't so bad. But before that Thursday it had been pretty sparse the month before, only twice probably. And I've been trying to have sex with him these last couple of days, but he has seemed completely uninterested in me.

Since I'm about to start, I wanted to have sex. I wished we could have great, passionate sex. But to be honest, I didn't care if we had sex, just to have sex, I wanted it to happen simply to say it did. How pathetic is that? And so, I attempted last night, to get him to kiss me. And it took awhile, but I suppose it eventually worked.

We had sex. It felt good.

Physically, it was alright, but mentally it was void. I also felt like I was kissing a doll. There was no emotion between us. I don't think we even said anything. He didn't really touch me. And when it was "over" he didn't talk to me, we didn't hold each other or do anything. He just started watching Conan on TV. So I left.

Jeff....doesn't really talk about things. I suppose he'll talk about it, at sometime. Probably a good majority of things he'll never actually talk about. I think that's socialization. Boys are supposed to deal with their problems and be "manly" by doing it on their own time. Girls, (the weaker sex of course) should show their vulnerabilities and discuss their issues. I wish he would just talk about things with me. And I don't know if prodding helps get it out of him sooner or not.

I know it's not fair to be having these feelings then not saying anything to him, but I suppose it's never easy to tell your sigfig. other that you think there's something wrong with your relationship. And typically, when something *is* wrong, even when I do ask him what's going on between us, he replies "nothing." So there I go exposing my vulnerability, throwing out my feelings that I think something *is* wrong...and if nothing is, then what's wrong with me...or what's wrong with us or him that he didn't notice that something was bothering me? (Okay, so I know that last sentence didn't make any sense, but just go with it).


It feels so good to be recognized and appreciated sexually. I went out last friday and met this boy at the bar. He was from out of town and in the city with his aunt's and uncle's to celebrate some family member's birthday. His aunt actually brought him to our table (with my girlfriends) and introduced him to us, just joking around about how she had to bring him over to all of us girls, apparently sitting around boyless. She then bought us all beers (we can't complain).

His name was Chris. He had "rockstar hair." It's hard to describe, I use it like an adjective, but I'm sure we all have our own idea of "rockstar." It's kind of a shaggy, spiked do. A bit alternateenish. Think cute alternative band. He was hot. But not hot, like Hi, I'm an asshole, and I know every girl in the room thinks I'm goodlooking. Just really cute and tall. (I'm 5'9 without shoes so tall is good :)

I thought he'd be perfect for Heidi (she loves this type), but she is more interested in her boss (who is goodlooking too, and young and he was at the bar)...even though, ahem, he is her boss, and ahem, he has a girlfriend (but then again I have a boyfriend so...). Anyway, it ended up being another girlfriend and I being entertained by Chris. I pretty much got the short story of his life all while he fed my girlfriend and I shots and beers. Actually, it was a good thing he showed up. I was pretty bored up to that point.

It was supposed to be a fun "girls' night out to celebrate college graduation" but I forgot that girls night out really don't work unless if you're all on the same page. Going to a bar, where you don't really like to drink, and all the single girls are looking for a nice guy to talk to....bars get pretty boring pretty fast.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I thought it was funny that poor Chris had found us to hit on, seeing as we were both in committed relationships. But oh well...he was cute, he was flirting and he was buying us drinks ;)

At some point Kris left and it was Chris and I. What a sweetheart. It was such an exhilerating feeling...to be hit on. To feel so desirable. To have this really nice, attractive guy (who plays soccer!), who's not too shy to go out with his aunt and admit it, and he....I mean you could tell, he was really "sweet" on me. It was too cute. Sure, I felt bad knowing that I was wasting his time, but it was fun letting this little fantasy play out. Somewhere in the night, things got mixed up, and my drunk self decided to talk to a 40-year-old bald man for an extended time (hmm, I'm thinking at *least* 45 minutes) while poor Chris looked on, probably as confused as I was on why I was talking to the old man.

(I was drunk, anyone seemed fair game for a friendly conversation about anything).

Chris was leaving and he was so cute, he pulled me near and it was almost liked he brushed his lips across my cheek as he whispered in my ear that he was leaving. He looked sad...I mean, disappointed, I think he wanted me to come too. He knew some guys in one of the local fraternities so I could have gone with them and still been in the company of people I knew, not just Chris but...I knew I wouldn't be leaving with Chris. Chris was just a fantasy, that cut short, but cut right when it needed to.

Hopefully, his friends at the frat tuned him in to the fact that I have a boyfriend (the same guy he was leaving with knows me). Or maybe they didn't, and the fantasy can play on in his head too.


Sometimes I think about how far I'd let myself go if I was given the opportunity to cheat. Thankfully, I have never been put in that position, and for the most part, I don't even allow myself to be in that position, but I think...sadly, in the back of the head that I might. I don't think I would sleep with anyone, but I can't say I wouldn't steal a kiss or a grab.

I'm not proud of it. I can trick my brain into thinking it's "ok" because I don't think sex was supposed to be monogomous (which is a true, I don't), but it doesn't change the fact that I'm in a relationship, and unless if both partners agree to how it's going to work, then it's never going to be right.

But it's not just Jeff. I doubt I could ever find a guy who would stand on the issue in the same way I do and basing it on a spiritual understanding. I also do not think society would agree to it. I also think I would have my own battles to deal with, knowing a partner was out with another person. But that's all socially constructed, that would take another world to live like that. I don't know how swingers do it. Not that I actually know anything about swinging.


I don't think I would be into "swinging" though in the sense I've seen in on TV. It wouldn't just be about sex, it would be about a connection (c'mon, I'm your cliched girl). I wouldn't want to have sex with someone that I didn't like. I suppose it wouldn't necessarily have to be someone I would want to date, but it would at least have to be someone that I liked personality wise...however deep that goes. This is all easier imagined than actually done though. Like I said, I have never actually been tested. I have never been put in a room, with a guy I liked, who liked me, in an environment of which I was under the influence of something that would allow me to react without guilt or knowing--and that really is the only way it could happen. And I'm not saying it would if I was faced with the choice. And actually, I'd like to give myself more credit, I am 99% sure I wouldn't...I think.


So lately, I have been overheating. I mean, my whole house is cold and I keep turning the AC lower and lower. And then, the other day I had a dizzy spell at work--and I wasn't even moving around I was just talking to a customer and I could feel myself almost falling, like I was about to black out.

My mom joked I was pregnant. La la la....we'll know in a few days, huh? Ahhhh, that would definitly be in the top worst things to happen to me list right now. I'm sure my unborn child is probably retarded from the shrooms I just took too. Great.






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