15 April 2000

James, notify the FBI, I'm good to go. I finally got a guy to come last night.

Sorry, it's a private joke (above.) HAHAHAH.

But let's start from the beginning. Chris comes to pick me up, late may I say. That's not nice to make your girl wait outside for you, all dressed up and feeling like a freak and what not.

Okay, Chris is this really fantastic dresser...unless if he's in his club "get up." I swear he picks the funkiest stuff, it's sort of embarressing, but I get over it.

We're driving, and it's a little early to go, so we just drive around some more. I am quiet. Well this time, my mouth is shut, but my thoughts are tripping over themselves, I'm thinking so much. I'm thinking I don't like him. I don't want to be with him. And I want to get out of this.

But, never one to dwell on the unhappy things if it can't be helped, i just try to look forward to dancing and what not. But all I can really think is, is that I don't want to see this guy again. How am I going to get out of this situation? And uh-uh, you aren't going to DAVE (dmb concert) with me.

sigh.

So we go in the club, and we're kind of feeling it. No big DJ tonight, I don't really like the mixing that's going on. We find his girls. They're all drinking. But they're all attractive. I don't know why I thought they wouldn't be, but I was glad they were. Those pretty girls only hang out with cool guys, uh right?

So I'm sitting beside this girl Angie. I like her.

Oh, i feel so disconnected. I think I kind of want to take a nap. Do I have to finish this story? I feel like I'm getting deja vu.

I'll just jump to the keynotes.

Club was okay, but I have decided that the rave ruined it for me. I like real ravers too much, to stand around and see preps screw around with glow sticks like a fool. And I'm a fake too. I don't want to be a part of these invaders coming in cuz it's something fun to do, when it's really this whole different world. I love ravers. The girls, the guys, i was seeing some great dancing.

We went back to his mom's place. (Well, i mean she wasn't there, and it's just where he stays while he's here in town and not in Indiana). I was partly considering asking him to just take me home, but I wasn't really ready to end the night, so I just decided to (fuck) it an stay and deal with it later in the morning. I was feeling more pro-Chris after the club, because I liked dancing and what not.

whoo, getting tired again. Okay, so we go in, and i'm really wiped out, it's like 4:00 and i'm really tired. He gives me clothes to wear, but i don't change, i just slip one of his shirts over the shirt I'm already wearing. We're just watching TV, Rocky is on (it was pretty good, I'll have to watch the whole thing sometime) and we're just doing the "love tickle" thing and what not. We decide to go to bed, and at first we do just kind of lie there trying to go sleep, and mildly cuddling. Then either I or him start the kissing, and we have this cyle of kissing, and at the end he says, "that was fucking awesome." [ha.] I've never had someone say that after a kiss!! hehe, I must be getting good, because first there was Bryan who said that was the best kiss he had ever had, now i got a 'fucking awesome.' Well I'm impressed.

So we're just lying there talkinga, sharing stories and stuff, which is good. Then he just says how wonderful I am and I'm so positive and he really loves that...yadda yadda. And that impresses me too. So I guess he really likes me. Not just because of my looks, he kind of has a hook on the way I think. And i instantly was pro-Chris again. Oh well for never seeing him again, right?

Then we start making out, mildly, and he's about to head south with his hands, which i was kind of hoping wouldn't even come into play, but then i had to be like uh...don't do that. Which really wasn't in the end as bad as i thought it was going to be, because he caught right on that I wasn't saying "don't do that...." so much because I didn't want him to, but because...well as he said it, "red?" Yep, red.

But it's okay, back to regular kissing and all that good stuff. Then we're getting pretty hard core, and oh well about sleeping...our shirts are off, and it's my turn to take my hands places. He says something at this point and i'm not sure what it was, but i figure he's kind of asking for some release himself, so, down his chest and stomach to go.

Okay now I've talked it out with some girls/guys and we were kind of thinking that maybe the penis is always the same size when hard for each guy, no matter how big he really is...originally. But I swear, Chris is smaller. Okay, so he's only my third of me getting up close and personal to, and i'm not sure i would put money on it, but I think he is. Not like it really mattered, I didn't care. The only thing that was kind of (funny) was that it was so erect that it was like laying on his stomach. So you actually had to hold it up to get into any proper position to do your thing.

This time was actually a reasonably good experience...being down there, perhaps my time of fear has passed. Anyway, I finally hit success and he comes, and my little world just took a step up. I have finally done something right.

Okay, so I know that originally I was like, i never want to see you, and from that point i'm thinking, gee i can't wait to have sex with you.

I am such a user, i swear i'm using him just to get some. Just to be in any physical relationship with someone. Hopefully we can go from here, and I try to like him more as person than just a body. I feel like such a guy. But I'm really happy he likes me for some inner beauty as well as outside. I don't know why he makes me shy. I don't know why I continue to be so negative thinking when i'm with him. Why I can't I just relax and like him?

Talking. I need to learn to talk.

And I will.

I hope. :)