24 August 2000

I played my guitar tonight. It should have made me feel awesome, but it just made me frustrated. (It does that.)

It's interesting how big survivor became, because really, MTV's Real World has been doing the reality based show for so long. My sis is a fan of Real World, but claimed Survivor was stupid. My mom loved Survivor. I only saw a couple of episodes, but through my mom, and little ditties through print and radio medias I seem to keep up with what was going on. So tonight I watched the finale. I wanted Kel to win. I thought Sue was a bitch, and sure Kelly was "wishy-washy" but I mean she played it for both sides--let the alliance get her to the end, and her friendships with the other team made her some friends.

Okay, so she didn't win. But, eh, I don't really care in the end. It was kind of funny that it ended up being about the mind games opposed to actually just surviving the "roughing it" part of the island. You know, they never discussed the bathroom situation. Do you think there was really some portable johns down there or something? I mean, maybe to squat somewhere to pee wouldn't be too terrible, but ahem, number two? And being on your period? That would suck more than you can imagine. Especially since you're always running around in a bathing suit and such.

I mean, they never talked about digging "bathrooms" or such did they? But really...I don't care about that either. ;) Was just thinking.

I find that having sex once or twice a week with Jeff, has infact quieted my horny mind. I used to think about sex constantly. I mean, it could be the restaurant--my mind is usually focussed on that now, but I don't masturbate or anything. It's just weird. Of course, last night was wonderful, so most of today I thought about it. La la la.

I notice a pattern in diary entries (of others) that begin to ramble and then they catch themselves and say something of the sort, "geez, i sound like i'm 13." "I'm going on and on, like i'm in middle school."

Do you think our minds are forever caught up in the selfish thoughts of me me me middle school trauma and drama far past the years of teenagism and into our adult years? I can't decide if that's a fabulous joke, and something to laugh at forever, or if its scary and tiring (just to think about.)

I already think too much about everything, so I figure I'll always be like this. (I never really had middle school drama, go figure.)

HAha, I hate when people say "go figure." So that's more of a private joke. Oh, sigh. I keep wanting to get on, then i'm here (and then I'm like, what the hell did I possibly have to get off my chest that made me come and write here?) Because this certainly can't be it.

What do you think love is? I have a big dependency issue, because I never really allow myself to depend or need anyone. I like being self-sufficient, but it's lonely and separative and well...not fun. It seems like in our society telling someone you love them, is basically being able to admit that you need them, that you depend on them.

CWG tells me that in real love you don't need the other person. That they are just co-existing, and you love them....you love them for who they are. And that sounds cheesy and I want to explain it better but don't know how. You can't love them for what they do, or how they make you feel, because you can't let it be about that. Because if they change, if they don't do the things....where does the love go? But say they do change, and you loved them for how they "used to be" does the love just cease to exist? And do you love parts of people, or must you acceptm the whole package?

And shouldn't I just be accepting everyone's whole package, because they're all a part of the bigger picture (that ultimately creates Me.) If you haven't read Conversation With God then you probably aren't following me here, but it's okay ;)

But what about a romantic love? Do the same rules apply? Can they? I feel like, my whole life I had this idea of love in my head that was too grand to ever become a reality, and I threw my nose in the air at an "I love you" happy society, which said it with empty words. (Which is a lot how I felt about sex.) So all of a sudden, I view sex with this very turned around idea of almost a "free love" kind of a thing, and now with love, it's like it has been simplified. Because I love everyone.

I did love Tim.

But I didn't need him.

I didn't depend on him.

So it didn't feel like love.

I think I fear a dependency on someone, because that will lead to expectations. And expectations can so very quickly fall into this trap of unhappiness and depression. I don't want to be one of those girls. I suppose it gives me this sense of strength not having to depend on anyone. And I think that's fine really. And even if you do love someone, it doesn't mean you have to tell them.

Concerning Jeff, I can say I love him, but I still believe there is a love that I haven't experienced. And it won't necessarily mean I will need someone.

Or maybe it will.